New intrepid editor Brad Allis…I call Brad intrepid more because it's a cool word, well, that and because Brad's ego is off the charts. Like low, so it's my personal responsibility to build his self-esteem. Brad would love it if you said nice things about him on the various Cat Tracks message boards as well.
I once called somebody erstwhile, but then I actually discovered what that meant. So I stopped. Naturally, he became erstwhile shortly thereafter.
So anyway, intrepid editor Brad Allis bags on my column last week, and suggests I attempt the Larry King USA Today style, because I guess, it's USA Today. You know Larry's style. One sentence as an attempt to somehow come off as the lucid, name-dropping voice of our generation. Larry King, in print, is sort of like Silent Bob on film. For those a tad out of the mod loop, Silent Bob is the creation of Kevin Smith, the dude who did Clerks, and got all kinds of hype because the movie cost dirt and had bunches of swear words. Then he basically remade Clerks with Mallrats, then remade the abysmal Mallrats with the possibly even worse Chasing Amy, then tried to tackle religion with his Magnum Opus Dogma, which was worthy only because of its appearance of Selma Hayak, who pretty much makes any movie better just by being on screen. And now he's making Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, a scathing attack on Hollywood, I'm sure. Basically, the gist here is that Silent Bob never talks, until he has something really deep and important to say, at least in the eyes of Kevin Smith. The audience is then supposed to bow to the brilliance that is Silent Bob, and in turn Kevin Smith.
Meanwhile, Larry King, for whom this comparison was originally meant, before I got hopelessly sidetracked, uses his print forum in much the same way. Brief sentences, somehow supposed to contain deep meaning because of their concise nature.
So if concise equals insight, then this is the most useless piece of writing you've ever read. I guess I'll let that speak for itself. What, you've actually made it this far?
So for whatever reason, Brad, who believes Kevin Smith is an icon, also thinks the Larry King column style borders on brilliant, hence the point at the onset of this intrepid endeavor.
Schu's sports insights, Larry King style: The Arizona football team looked like a mixed bag at its two scrimmages…I'm sure, at some point, the team will want to spend more time hitting opponents then beating up on one another…The telling stat of Arizona's offensive success might hinge around the number of times Clarence Farmer, a back with true breakaway potential, touches the ball…Rincon Market on Fifth Street and Tucson Blvd., just a mile from campus, has the best Italian Sub sandwich in the city…Speaking of best, David Rubio's volleyball squad, spotted last week at the aforementioned Rincon Market, might be the best Wildcat team on campus. Keep an eye on them…Of course, the defending national champion softball team might have something to say about that. Mike Candrea and assistant coach Nancy Evans pop up from time to time at Rincon as well…It must be the true eaterie of champions…Say hi to Paul when you stop by…As an aside, had lunch with message board regular fgreek at Rincon just the other day. If you ever want to know about the status of track and field, fgreek is your guy.
OK Brad, now I'm out of material. This is the worst thing I've ever written, or at least the worst thing I've written since last week. Are you happy now, Mr. Intrepid?
Brad is intrepid…And his mother is proud of him…Ugh…And Kevin Smith is awful…and this Larry King writing style is weak…and I'm going to be seeing dots in my dreams…