Bonney's Baker's Dozen

This week's edition of the Baker's Dozen is completely dedicated to the U of A-ASU rivalry. The annual battle for the Territorial Cup looks to be a good one as the Cats are fighting for their first bowl game in a decade and the Scummies are fighting for the league crown.

Since I am the Football Editor of a U of A dedicated magazine and website and an ASU graduate I have decided to make this week's edition a list of some of the top reasons to hate my Alma Mater. I have put some of my own reasons to go with some of the reasons from guys like ‘Frodo' Allis and Lamont Lovett among others.

So without further ado here is a sampling of the many reasons to hate the Scum Devils of THE Tempe Normal State Teacher's College.

1- I graduated from Arizona State and it pisses me off. All of my friends are always busting my chops about it. I always hear crap like ‘Hey, your degree is colored in piss and rust' or they simply just laugh. I am actually quite proud of my accomplishment. I actually graduated from the West campus in Phoenix and not the main campus in Dumpe. I am also very proud to say that most of my Communications professors at ASU received their undergrad degrees from U of A so in a way I have a U of A education. But alas, I hate ASU because I graduated from there and I catch crap about it.

2- The colors of Arizona State are horrendous. Pick your description, ‘piss and rust' and ‘rust and mustard' are the most common of the bunch and they both fit well. The colors are just ugly as all hell and they speak for themselves. When your uniforms make the team look like dried, bloody boogers something is wrong.

Lamont Lovett- ASU has some of the most annoying and dumbest fans around. They think they invented the game of football and it is truly sad. So they have a Rose Bowl win and two appearances, woo hoo, big dang deal. You are NOT THE Ohio State University folks; you are the arizona state teacher's college. I am not even going to mention the uniform colors; all I can say is ‘What the hell'?

4- ASU literally has the dumbest mascot in all of sports. I would seriously take the Stanford Tree over the Sparkler. Modeled after Walt Disney, the Sparkler is a tad on the GLAAD side and it acts accordingly. What is the point of having a mascot that looks like one of the most revered people in the history of the country? I am surprised their colors are not the full rainbow in order to put the Sparkler in touch with his true roots. Maybe Lisa ‘All The Things She Said' Love should look into making the change.

Da' Massa Chief- ASSU and their ignorant fans are pests. Pests have been around since the beginning of time and we just have to live with them. We wipe our ASUs everyday to get rid of the smell but this is one smell that we just can never get rid of. Maybe the best comparison to ASU is roaches. We all hate the little bastards but we just have to live with them. Yes I hate ASU with every bone in my fat old retired Navy body but I have to live with them. They are the pests of the Pac-10 but they are unfortunately here to stay.

6- Jake ‘the groper' Plummer is enough reason to hate ASU. The King of throwing into double coverage is the epitome of ASU. He is arrogant, ignorant and thinks the world owes him something just because he is who he is, an overrated has-been quarterback that left his fiancé at the altar. One good year in college and one respectable year in the pros don't make you Johnny Unitas, unless of course you are Flake ‘Porn-stache' Plummer.

7- This list is too long so forgive me because I am sure I will have left someone out. In no particular order, Danny ‘anger management' Masanai, Keith ‘the talker' Poole, Mitchell ‘the sex offender' Friedman, Loren ‘I love her' Wade, Kyle ‘nut-grabber' Dodd, Stevin ‘I need the money' Smith, Reggie ‘Mr. Arrogance' Jackson, Barry ‘Roid Ragin' Bonds, Frank ‘Woody Hayes wannabe' Kush, Dennis ‘Breathalyzer' Erickson. I am sure there are many more but the Fat Irish Bastard is making himself sick thinking of all of these dead beat turds so the list is going to end now.

'Frodo' Allis- So Chris asked me for a "good" reason to dislike ASU. I don't have a "good" reason. There was no defining moment. There was no single event. Growing up in Tucson and rooting for the Wildcats, you were trained to dislike the Devils. Plain and simple, it was just what you did.

Sure there was the drunk, 30-year old ASU fan with a black eye and smashed cigar trying to pick a fight with me in the north endzone when I was just 12. Even then I realized it was some random A-Hole.

In the end I dislike the Devils, because that is what Wildcats do.

9- There are a few reason the Fat Irish Bastard likes ASU. What John Cooper did to them makes me smile. Jim Brock was an absolute class act and one hell of a baseball man (baseball is FIB's favorite sport). Current ASU softball coach Clint Myers is a real good guy and a great coach. The fact that ASU has the most violations of any school in the country is just funny as hell so thanks for the laugh ASU. I am sure there are more reasons to at least respect ASU but I just can't think of any.

Erik ‘February Fat' Thompson- Whether you may not know it, one of the biggest chokers in professional sports history resides from Arizona State, Phil Mickelson. You know Phil, right? Well, maybe not considering he's constantly found himself trying to work around the large, much better shadow that is Tiger Woods. Earlier this year, he even hired Tiger's ex-coach, Butch Harmon. Can it get anymore pathetic? You bet it can. You remember the 2006 U.S. Open at Winged Foot, don't you? You know, when Mickelson was up one shot with one hole to go, and completely blew a chance at history? Yep, that's the one. Reflecting on what he had just done, Mickelson said: "I still am in shock that I did that. I just can't believe I did that. I'm such an idiot." Yes Phil, you are an idiot. Oh, and what's with those man boobs anyway?

11- 1996 Football game. I don't need to say anymore about it, Arizona fans know what the hell I am talking about. Daniel Greer was never the same and Bruce Snyder, in the immortal words of Doc Holliday, ‘you can kiss my rebel ****!'

12- The Steve Kerr ‘PLO' chant incident. Again I do not need to expand on what happened, needless to say the ASU fans really showed their true colors that day.

BUBBA- Howdy ya'll, Bubba here. I guess the ole Irishman doesn't have enough reasons to despise them ASU Sun Devils so he asked his favorite Southern Good Ole Boy to chime in. Now askin' Bubba to name just one reason to despise ASU is kinda like askin' him to share his sody pop. But I'm willin' to give ‘er a try. Bubba's number one reason for despising the scum, uh I mean Sun Devils is their fans classless treatment of Steve Kerr.

Mahalo Y'all, Bear Down and Beat the SCUMMIES!


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