Bro Bits #7:
For fan etiquette questions, there are few E-Z answers.
Special to BroncoCountry
It was bound to happen. You register for Insiders, make a few posts, or a few thousand, share your opinions and participate in pseudo-intellectual dialog with your insider siblings, and wham! People start flooding your ezbox with massive praise and adoration!
And then there's me. As an admitted idiot, I get the other kind of messages: those from equally hapless, helpless and hopeless souls all desperately searching for answers and who send me their questions by mistake.
Yet, I feel obligated to respond.
There is a common theme in these messages. This year, thanks to record crowds at Bronco Stadium, proper fan behavior and etiquette has become a popular topic of conversation and debate. It seems some of BSU's more well-known fans have taken issue with certain aspects of the crowds this season, as the following ezbox messages unequivocally prove.
Thieves! Rotten, stinking thieves! These men and elves and orcses from far-off lands, cheering for the other teamses! Must Smeagol be nice to them, if they be nice to us? Burns, burns their cheering does! And they takes our precious seatses, our seatses, my own, myyy PRECIOUSSSS.
Misty Mountains, West Virginia
Okay, ease up on the coffee. I'm not even sure what to make of your message. From what I gather, you're asking how you should treat visiting fans, yes? That's easy:
Fan Rule #1: Treat visiting fans in our stadium as you would wish to be treated in theirs.
Represent your school and team with class. Welcome visiting fans, and treat them with respect, and chances are they'll reciprocate when you visit their stadium. Sure, there's bound to be a few obnoxious fans, but ignore them; every team has those. Thankfully, they are few and far between and greatly outnumbered by well-mannered people who know how to have a good time without ruining it for others. As for visiting fans "taking your seatses," next time buy season tickets if you can, then you won't have that problem.
Oh, and please put on some clothes. Perhaps something blue, or orange that covers up your, uh, hobbithood. Sheesh.
Boisebro I seek,
Many games have I attended. Yet angry have I become. Booing, many fans are; this is not the way of the force! Booing leads to anger, anger to frustration, frustration to impotence--this is the path to the Dark Side. Cheer, or cheer not. There is no boo.
That's an interesting take, um, "Yoda." And you have quite a unique command of the English language. Have you met Gollum?
You do raise an interesting point: many fans feel that purchasing a ticket provides them with the right to boo as they see fit. Yet, others would suggest that booing a team or coaches, whether your own or the opposition, shows disrespect to them. Booing suggests you are questioning their abilities as players or as coaches, despite the fact they likely have forgotten more about the game than most fans will ever know. So is it appropriate to boo?
It's a somewhat controversial topic. Perhaps I have a solution that will enable the boo-birds to keep booing—but only under certain circumstances:
Fan Rule #2: Never boo the players, coaches or opposing team. Booing should only be used to communicate mass displeasure towards the consistently deplorable performance by the officials. In that case, by all means, boo with enthusiasm.
Thank you for your input. May the Forsey be with you.
Yeah, Charlie Babbitt, Charlie Babbitt took me to a Bronco
game at on Saturday,
definitely on Saturday. We had two tickets to the game, two tickets. Uh-oh! We
were late! We were late, Charlie Babbitt made us late! Charlie Babbitt is not
an excellent driver. Charlie Babbitt made us late. Of course, I was definitely
not wearing my underwear, my Bronco underwear, size 14, three per pack, on sale
at K-Mart, always get them at K-mart, in
New Jersey, definitely New Jersey, yeah
I don't even know where to begin with this one. Why fans are late to games is beyond me, even if they aren't "excellent drivers." Here's a tip for you and Charlie: leave earlier for the game. Plan ahead a little, and be in your seat in time for the player introductions. Show support for your team; after all, the coaches and players have frequently commented how excited they are running out of the tunnel in front of a loud, packed stadium. Which brings me to:
Fan Rule #3: Get to the game on time. Please. Thank you.
Greetings and salutations,
As one of our society's more portly fans who finds it increasingly difficult to stand for more than five minutes at a time, I have a complaint regarding a certain group of overzealous simpletons who sit directly in front of me at Bronco games. I use the term "sit" loosely, as rarely do these particular individuals press their supple and disturbingly attractive posteriors to the bleachers. I thus spend the entire contest desperately attempting to peer between them to see the game for which I have purchased two tickets, one for each of my ample cheeks. I dare not divulge my section and/or row, lest said simpletons one day learn to read, happen upon this message, and seek to unleash harm to my person in retaliation for my grievance. Nevertheless, my issue is this: Bronco Stadium contains bleachers, and I suggest fans use them as they were intended. Please sit down. Thank you.
--Comic Book Guy
Proprietor and Chief Executor,
Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
Comic Book Guy:
I'm with ya, pal. I get winded brushing my teeth. In fact, I'm exhausted just typing this. However, even I can't keep sitting down the entire duration of the game. There are plenty of times you just have to stand up and cheer, just as there are times when it's best to sit down and let those behind you see the game. It's just common courtesy. As such, I present:
Fan Rule #4: Respect the other fans around you--stand only during key moments in the game (e.g. the national anthem, kickoffs, scoring plays, critical 3rd- and 4th-down defensive stops, etc.)
NOTE: This rule does not apply to those in the student section, where standing for the entire game is both encouraged and expected. Oh, to be young again, when my heart raced for love and not because my cholesterol is higher than Ricky Williams on a Jamaican vacation...
Bro, you hoser,
Good day, I'm Bob McKenzie with my brother Doug. How's it
going, eh? We're just polishing off another half-rack of Elsinores in the Great
White North (that's, like,
--Bob McKenzie and his brother Doug
Thanks for your message. Sadly, it does sometimes happen here. Unless you're in the student section, there's a good chance that there will be families with kids around you within earshot. In that case it's good to be on your best behavior, especially at a family-friendly event like a football game, or even, um,… a hockey game. Which leads me to:
Fan Rule #5: Be wary of children in your area. Football games are supposed to be fun, family-friendly entertainment; don't ruin it for others by acting like a hoser, eh?
By the way, send us a couple cases of Elsinores for tailgating, willya? The ones without the mouse, eh? Thanks.
Eight and twenty past the hour
Southern dogs arise to fight
Great numbers collide on azure fields
Foul temptress beats the bitter time
Close and lengthy the contest rages
‘Til mighty equines, conquered, thick with dread
Alas, the arena, nearly devoid of followers by end
As many gone since half was nigh
What the hell are you talking about?!? If that's poetry, I've got a message for you: it sucks. Try reading some Wordsworth or Milton or Dr. Seuss, okay? Buy a rhyming dictionary; they're cheap.
Anyway, I THINK
you're attempting to suggest that perhaps too many fans are leaving games far
too early. I tend to agree. There are those who can be excused, such as parents
whose children are tired and ready to go, or fans who need to hit the road to
get home before sunrise. But what irks me are those who leave at halftime and
never return, who head out to some kegger down the street instead of sticking
around to cheer the team. They can't hear you if you're shotgunning a
Fan Rule #6: If you can, stay until the end of the game, even if it's a blow-out. The team and coaches would undoubtedly appreciate your unwavering support.
By the way, nice try on trying to predict a Bronco loss, Nostradumbass. Your forecasts have consistently proven to be more pathetic than prophetic. Hopefully this one will prove false, as well.
I get no respect at all. My wife, she's always cheating on me. She thinks "monogamy" is a type of wood. I'll tell ya, my wife, I call her "old faithful"--because she always steamed and full of hot water. What a terrible life I've had. To make ends meet, I worked for a pharmaceutical company. I was the test subject for Preparations A through G. Then they fired me, just before they got it right. No respect, I tell ya. I was miserable, too; why, I even started taking depressants just to cheer up. Speaking of respect, what's with these fans? Showing no respect for our offense by cheering when they're at the line? Starting the wave when we're due up on offense? No respect. No respect at all.
Cloud Nine, Heaven
Rodney, we miss ya. And you're right; some of our fans have yet to learn when to cheer and when not to cheer. One way to tell is to watch the players: the defense always begs the crowd to roar, whereas the offense asks for quiet so they can hear the count. It's a simple rule, really:
Fan Rule #7: Cheer when we're on defense, keep quiet when we're on offense.
And please, for the love of Rodney, quit doing the wave. That's so 1984.