BroBits 11: Predicting the Perfect Season

It's still two months until kickoff. Until then, we have to put up with all of these "in-depth" season previews and predictions from "national" magazines, most of which are based in the "non-biased" east. But I'm tired of "in-depth" previews! If I wanted depth, I'd date Paris Hilton!So, in the spirit of absolute shallowness, I present my very own week-by-week glance at how I think the Bronco's 2005 season could transpire...

BSU at Georgia, 09/03/2005

All right! Now THIS is the way to open a season!! The Broncos get the chance to show the college football world that it belongs on the big stage against an allegedly superior foe on national television! BSU has been amping-up for a challenge like this for years, and now it's time to take the next big, logical step and neuter them Dawgs, and we may just have the team to do it!!

Though it may be a wee bit sticky in Athens...

Prediction: Georgia 44, BSU 24

Stupid humidity.

 

BSU at Oregon State, 09/10/2005

No doubt the Beavers want revenge after last year's defeat in Boise, and they get their chance in the new, improved Reser—now with 20% more fannage! Even though the Beavers officially open their new facility the week prior against Portland State, they no doubt will have this game circled in hopes of chewing up the Broncos into Reser's Pieces. But for the Broncos to earn respect, a close shave against the Beavers just won't do. We need to pound them! Unfortunately, the Broncos will still be thinking about how they let last week's game slip through their sweaty little fingers.

OSU 37, BSU 35

Is it hot in here?

 

Bowling Green at BSU, 9/21/2005

Omy, it's Omar! Jacobs scares the daylights and nightlights out of me. Some day, this kid is going to take his game to the next level, but first, he's going to do everything he can to level our defense. But there's no WAY they'll be able to keep up with our high-powered offense, especially on the blue!!!

No.

Frickin'.

WAY!

 

 

 

 

Unless it's humid.

BGSU 56, BSU 48

#$!@ing humidity.

 

BSU at Hawaii, 10/1/2005

No Timmy Chang? No problem -- Elvis is in the building! Hawaii always plays better on the Islands than they do on the continent, and now they have Jerry Glanville calling the shots on D. Instead of the run and shoot offense, the Warriors will probably install the shoot-the-runner defense which will inspire their squad and make us as one-dimensional as Glanville's wardrobe.

Gun violence is so wrong.

Hawaii 37, BSU 17

 

Portland State at BSU, 10/8/2005

Don't you hate it when you go to Burger King and order onion rings, and when you get your onion rings there's also a bunch of french fries mixed in? Don't you hate that? I hate that. If I wanted french rings or onion fries or whatever, I'd have asked for them. "Have it your way", my pasty royal Burger King-fattened butt.

Portland State 32, BSU 30

(Probably should've focused on the game instead of onion rings. Dammit.)

 

San Jose State at BSU, 10/15/2005

Tomey's back, and we're gonna be in trouble, hey now, hey now, the Tomey's back! I have no idea why I thought of that, but at least we get an easy win at home against the perennial cellar-dwellers of the WAC.

SJSU 28, BSU 17

Then again, cellars have a bad rap, especially since many have good wine. Oh, look! 1994 was a very good year...

 

BSU at Utah State, 10/22/2005

I had a dream about this game. I was in Provo. There was a monkey wearing a bandana sitting next to me outside LaVell Edwards Stadium. "What are you here for?" the monkey asked me with a slick Norwegian accent. "The BSU/USU game," I replied. "You idiot," said the monkey, "that game was last week!", and then he exploded and I was covered in monkey bits. And then I woke up, covered in monkey bits, wearing a Norwegian bandana, in Logan, drinking onion ring wine.

Sometimes my life is stranger than my dreams.

USU 72, BSU 4

I hate monkeys.

 

Nevada at BSU, 10/29/2005

No monkey dreams about this one. Just one nightmare involving Ault in a tube top.

Gross.

Nevada 22, BSU 18

 

NMSU at BSU, 11/5/2005

From what I understand, Mumme (pronounced "Mumme") will throw the ball all over heck. And heck, as you know, is 120 yards long and 160 feet wide. Uh-oh.

NMSU 62, BSU 49

 

BSU at Fresno State, 11/10/2005

We only get 5 days to prepare for this? Five days to figure out how to beat the best team in Fresno State history? Five days to plan the most important conference football game of the season? On the road? Against our biggest conference rival who's looking for big-time revenge?

No problem. This is Fresno. We always beat Fresno.

FSU 42, BSU 12

We used to always beat Fresno.

 

Idaho at BSU, 11/19/2005

Finally! A team that we can handle easily. The Broncos have more speed, strength, depth and a more experienced coaching staff than the Vandals, and Holt has yet to prove he can win anything in Moscow other than a wet t-shirt contest. This one's in the bag! Rivalry? What rivalry? What streak? BWA-HA-HA-HAHAHAhahaaaa...!!!!

Then again... if those Vandals can clone a mule, maybe they can make a pig fly...

Idaho 34, BSU 31

Oink.

 

BSU at Louisiana Tech, 11/26/05

Let us give thanks... that this nightmare of a season is nearly over. At least we end the season against a team we should beat handily, who lost its stud running back and seems to be a team in transition. I have no doubt in my mind that our Broncos will rise to the occasion and get a big win to head into the off-season on a positive note!!

LTU 26, BSU 25

Gawd, I hate dawgs.

 

Of course, I always predict that we'll lose, so maybe this is all a good thing. After all, I was 0-11 predicting the regular season last year, and that turned out okay, didn't it?

Go Broncos!!!


Bronco Country Top Stories