In an attempt to help Boise State play better Saturday in Moscow, I came up with this important group of tips for the Bronco players. Pay attention, they must.
To my knowledge, there are no Idaho
football players named Luke Skywalker, nor any distant relatives from Moscow
that are about to star in "Star Wars VII".
Breathe a deep sigh of relief.
What Boise State players must watch out for, however, are
what we'll call "Jedi Mind Tricks" that are not that different than what
Skywalker and his band of rebels did to save the galaxy. If you recall from this epic series of
blockbusters, the Jedi would cause an action that would distract their
opponents from the real business at hand so that the Jedi could stealthily
turn off a traction beam or coyly sneak by Empire guards with a form of
I kid you not. These
are the tricks the Broncos will be up against Saturday. Every time Jeremy Childs or Austin Pettis
lines up, you can bet the Death Star that their Vandal defenders will be
talking to them. Now what these Moscow
players say is anybody's guess, but it could be something like "You're not as
hot as you think you are" or "Boise State
sucks" or "Boise is not a state" or
"your sister's ugly". Words to that
effect. Childs, Pettis, Vinny Perretta
and the rest of the Broncos would do well to ignore the Jedi Mind Tricks. Those with weak minds can be easily persuaded
or distracted. This is a time for extreme
concentration on what the Bronco coaches tell them, not for saying "You're
right, she is kind of ugly." First off,
the sister wouldn't take too kindly with that reply and second, Coach Chris Petersen wouldn't either.
Similar to the kinds of distractions above are those that
actually take place after the play.
These are technically not supposed to happen, but the Vandal Jedi are
so good at what they do that the officials themselves fall into a trance. The officials will not notice the Idaho
player hitting after the play (they will still be under the Vandal Jedi spell)
but will quickly snap out of it and throw yellow laundry all over the field if
a Bronco retaliates. So again the
warning to Boise State
players—be wary of Jedi Mind Tricks after the play has finished. Compose yourself and run back to the huddle
where you are among friends and away from the evil spell of The Emperor.
The crowd in attendance at the Coliseum (I mean the
Kibbiedome), which has been studying the ways of the Jedi for years, will also
try to distract Boise State. They will hurl insults, boo loudly and force
all manner of ill will at the Broncos.
Here, the Bronco players would do well to watch what Yoda himself did in
the third Star Wars (or the sixth Star Wars if you're counting that way). Put your hand straight up against the
powerful force, beckon a determined grimace, and repel the barrage so that it
takes down the Kibbiedome roof.
Only then can the Broncos truly say they have become Jedi
Masters. Good luck and may the Force be
with you Saturday.