Kugr's Korner: Cadavers put on notice for 2003

It was a week which saw the Cadaver's dreams of a Kugr-free 2003 football season dashed on two fronts by the physically resilient former walk-on middle linebacker.

Not only did the number-one nemesis to the Cougar Cadaver Corps survive another five hours of new abdominal surgery in his continuing convalescence from a near-death experience of the 2002 Cougar Football off-Season, but the feisty former Whittingham disciple also managed to score a badly-needed, new personal computer.

That should add to his well-known "Cadaver Corps Eradication" push as the highly-anticipated 2003 BYU Football season approaches.

"His abdominal incision was greatly reduced and numerous subdural adhesions excised" according to one of the two attending surgeons, who asked to remain anonymous -- due to the presence of a known Cougar Cadaver splinter-cell (calling themselves the "Grey Cougars") operating in the SE Idaho area.

"We think it will definitely be a leaner, meaner Kugrmaniac who will be patrolling the highways and by-ways of LaVell Edwards Stadium this fall," said the plastic surgeon who performed the covert second-half of the morning-long operation on April 16 at Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center.

Reports that BYU's "Rudy" came up out of the anesthesia literally rising to shout the Cougar fight song, while standing triumphantly atop his O.R. gurney, clad only in a Royal Blue surgical gown are GREATLY exaggerated, confirmed Dr. X, who began the procedure with a two-hour abdominal hernia repair.

"His gown was definitely NAVY blue," added the well-respected thoracic surgeon, who drew-sharp criticism from the Cadaver Corps after guiding Kugr through his epic ORIGINAL abdominal surgery in the 2002 off-season.

"The post-operative outlook is decidedly bad for the Cougar (LaVell Edwards) Stadium Cadavers this fall," added Dr. Y, no relation to TBS and CougarBoard poster "Y'zGuy." Dr. "Y" reportedly offered Kugr a "male-version" chest augmentation as part of the overall surgical procedure, but sources close to the Kugrmaniac family said the former walk-on linebacker insists on "earning his six-pack the old-fashioned way -- in the weight room."

Kugr will now spend 7-10 days at home, recuperating from surgery before he launches into his own, personalized, Summer 2003 rehab schedule. It is rumored to be loaded with running, lifting, and yes, a massive WRITING rehabilitation campaign centered around a long-awaited, brand-new PC in the Kugr den.

"Dude, the flat-panel monitor and cordless keyboard and mouse are AWESOME," replied one well-known TBS poster who chose to remain anonymous (while wearing a royal blue t-shirt with "SAVE the MWC - Fire Craig Thompson!" emblazoned across the front).

Other sources confirmed to TBS officials the existence of the new PC, expected to produce a plethora of anti-Cadaver propaganda during the long, summer months which lie ahead before the Cougars kick-off the 2003 season August 28 at home against Georgia Tech in a nationally-televised showdown at the new, vendor-friendly caffeine-free Edwards Stadium.

"Man, the only "Jolt" Kugr will be bringing into LES this fall are his new "guns," his surgically-repaired chest and freshly-sharpened claws," observed TAI (whose real name is Tyler) from his home in Salt Lake City.

Commentating from her home in Orem, Christina (whose "real" name is, well, Christina) said "...thank goodness this new surgery went well - the postage was KILLING me," referring to Kugr's well-documented five-month long hospital stay in 2002.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Michael McQuain is a former TV broadcast journalist who writes a satirical sports column for TotalBlueSport.com whenever he feels like it.)

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