Rathernot B. Dan. I'll be moderating 'The Great Gary Crowton Debate' tonight.""> Rathernot B. Dan. I'll be moderating 'The Great Gary Crowton Debate' tonight."">

The Great Gary Crowton Debate

MODERATOR: "Good evening, I'm <b>Rathernot B. Dan</b>. I'll be moderating 'The Great Gary Crowton Debate' tonight."

"Each opponent will field question from me and our diversified audience; then you'll each have one minute to respond. The opponent will then have 30 seconds to rebut … I would like to introduce our participants tonight.

First, from Pleasant Grove, Utah … please welcome LaVernon Bytheway, the webmaster and creator of www.canthecrow.com."

Smattered applause, mixed with muffled boos.

"Our second participant tonight is a BYU student and Cougar Club member from Provo who makes ends meet as a ticket scalper for various Utah teams. Please welcome Brandon Christensen."

Light applause and muted boos.

"Thanks to each of you for joining us tonight."

BYTHEWAY: "It's a pleasure, Rathernot."

CHRISTENSEN: "Glad to be here, Rathernot."

MODERATOR: "We'll we've flipped a coin, and Brandon, you have the choice of fielding the first question if you want?

CHRISTENSEN: "Ahh, I'd rather not, Rathernot. I'll take the second question."

MODERATOR: "That's fine. By the way, Mr. Bytheway, this means that Brandon will make the final closing statement. Do you understand?"

BYTHEWAY: "I get it, Rathernot."

MODERATOR: "OK then, our fist question for LaVernon comes from Polly Sinseer of Orem, Utah. Polly asks: "Mr Bytheway, on your website, you refer to Coach Crowton as ‘someone with two many wild horses and not a long enough whip.' Can you explain that metaphor for me?"

BYTHEWAY: "Certainly, Ms. Sinseer.

"See, Coach Crow has a bunch of wild men just runnin round doing whatever they'all want. Ya see ‘em wanderin through the mall, hangin out at that Golds Gym place, loitering at the movies, and just eatin at any ole restaurant around town that they please. There ain't no chaperones, ner coaches with ‘em. They's all just wanderin wild. While this is all goin on, Crow is either at home watchin his own wild clan or in the film room pretending to do something important. He don't have enough leashes and whips to keep all them wild players on the straight and narrow. I got me some stats on this stuff somewhere."

MODERATOR: "Thank you, Bytheway, Brandon, you have 30 seconds to respond."

CHRISTENSEN: "Hi, first I'd like to thank, Rathernot B. Dan, Mr. Bytheway, (Bytheway rolls his eyes) and the fine folks here at Sweets for hosting this debate."

Monstrous applause and cheering erupts.

CHRISTENSEN: "Ms. Sinceer, thank you for your question."

Bytheway Interrupts, "I was gonna say that too, Polly!"

CHRISTENSEN: "Actually, despite LaVernon's complaints about the players whereabouts, it's OK with Coach Crowton if the players go to the mall, restaurants, movies or other activities as long as they remember and act in accordance with the school and team rules. All the coaches at BYU remind the players on almost a daily basis that they represent BYU, the team and their behavior is carefully scrutinized by the public."

MODERATOR: "Mr. Christensen, the next question for you comes from Wendall Willy of Santaquin." Do you think Coach Crowton was ready to take over a Div. 1 coaching position, or do you feel like he is in over his head?"

CHRISTENSEN: "Thanks for the question, Wendall, and may I add those Wranglers really look good on you, sir."

Wendall glances down proudly.

Smattering of snickers.

"I could sit here and rattle off reasons why Coach Crowton is very adequate as a Div. 1 coach, but I would only be redundant and experts far more qualified that I have always been outspoken about Coach Crowton as a head coach, quarterback coach, offensive mastermind and master recruiter. You'll never find a coach more dedicated and loyal to this school."

BYTHEWAY: "Rathernot, I'd like to reply to that outrageous statement."

MODERATOR: "It is your turn for rebuttal, sir."

BYTHEWAY: "Gosh dang right it's my turn to rebut that! This is outrageous … the lies, the deceit! This man is not being honest with the BYU fans. I got fact and figures to dispute the filth comin outta that smug little prep happy yapper of his. Just go to my web site, and sign my petition! It's goin straight to the top. I'm sending it to Salt Lake City headquarters to President Hinckley himself! How ya like that, you little zoobie!"

CHRISTENSEN: "Excuse me?"

BYTHEWAY: "Yer excused, you piece of lint. Go back home to your mommy in Califor-n-I-a!"

MODERATOR: "Mr. Bytheway, do I need to remind you of the rules that clearly state no personal attacks will be tolerated?"

BYTHEWAY: "Just make sure you remind mister liar pants over there, too!"

MODERATOR: "The next question is for LaVernon from me. Mr. Bytheway, since you are so outspoken about Coach Crowton and your belief that he is not qualified to be the coach, do you have a viable alternative in mind?"

BYTHEWAY: "If you go to my web site, canthecrow.com, and purchase one of my fine t-shirts, I will priority ship you my 47-page outline for a winning program at BYU. I ain't givin it all away, but I gotta tell you Steve Young, Andy Reid or Norm Chow would be the head coach!

…"Ty Detmer will come be in charge of the quarterbacks and that Whittingham kid up there at the U would be our defensive coordinator. Bart Oates will be line coach and Jason Buck will be helping out Kyle coaching the D-line.

"Best of all, bring in Dale Murphy to be assistant Athletic Director under LaVell Edwards … and Glen Tuckett will be brought back to head the oversight committee that reports back directly to President Hinckley."

MODERATOR: "Mr. Christensen, your response?"

CHRISTENSEN: "I'm not sure what to say? That's a pretty impressive line up. I guess, Mr. Bytheway is assuming that a new head coach would be OK with LaVernon picking his assistant coaches out for him. Even I would be excited to put together a team with my all-time fantasy Cougar team as the coaches … but fantasy and reality are two very different things.

"The truth is that being a coach at BYU is very different from being a coach at any other university. I'll be the first to admit there is a lot to learn, from missions, the honor code to university politics and fickle fans."

BYTHEWAY: "Who you callin a pickle!"

CHRISTENSEN: "I'm sorry, I thought I said fickle. Anyway, I think most fans would agree the BYU administration would see the wisdom in giving coach Crowton time to understand and work through the peculiar circumstances a football coach at Brigham Young faces.

"To throw this new coaching team in the fire assumes this ready-made, high priced, fantasy coaching team would want to walk in the fire and start the learning curve all over again."

BYTHEWAY: "Hey, his red light's been on for like 10 minutes now. I demand a rehursal!"

MODERATOR: "Very well, Mr. Bytheway, you have 15 seconds."

BYTHEWAY: "Dang right, I got 15 seconds! Gimmie 15 seconds with you in a dark alley and I'll show you what a blowout is, ya little cheater box!"

MODERATOR: "Ahhemmm…"

BYTHEWAY: "That ain't no fantasy staff. This is hard data. I got the preliminary agreements ready to sign in my 47-page outline for a winning program at BYU that you will get for free with the purchase of one of my canthecrow.com t-shirts. Fact is, Mr. Fancy Talk, is that LaVell coulda taken 55 high school athletes, a mentally challenged mule and a drunk monkey and won the Mountain West Conference championship every year. Crow ain't done squat!

MODERATOR: "OK, moving on … Mr. Christensen, you will get the last question in tonight's debate. This question is from me. How do you feel about the state of the BYU football program at this time and how do you see its' future?"

CHRISTENSEN: "Thank you, Rathernot. I am very pleased with the state of BYU football, and I think most fans are too. Every program is cyclical in its success. Great programs like Nebraska, Texas and LSU might seem invincible for a few years, and then struggle for no obvious reason … like many are now. Crowton actually took over a team that had been mediocre in the couple years prior, but…

BYTHEWAY: "Blasphemy! Foul! Foul! Spurn your vain accusations you heathen!"

MODERATOR: "Mr. Bytheway, LaVernon, please!"

CHRISTENSEN: "Anyway, Crowton has proved with the right players he can win. I think the administration owes it to him to give him a chance to prove his worth with his team and his philosophies. There are obvious improvements in academics, facilities and recruiting. His teams have suffered through a couple difficult seasons. Through it all, he has remained positive and optimistic. He's doing his best to keep his teams confident and positive about their next challenge. I, for one, feel his optimism and am excited about the future of BYU football."

MODERATOR: "Mr. Bytheway, 30 seconds."

BYTHEWAY: "Nice one, mister flip flop! Yur just part of the conspiracy; you and all yur little club friends. Well, I'll tell you what. You'll be cryin to me for forgiveness when the 2005 Cougars come through that tunnel in the original powder blue uniforms with Steve Young , Andy Reid, Norm Chow and Ty Detmer leading the way.

"Back will come the 500-yard passing games; leading da nation in scoring; burying opponents by 38 points per game; Heisman candidates; the Holiday Bowl and Top 10 rankings!"

MODERATOR: "Thank you, Mr. Bytheway. Now we will hear closing remarks. One minute, gentlemen … Mr. Christensen, you indicated you would like to close, you have one minute."

BYTHEWAY: "I think I proved my point here tonight. My coaching staff of BYU greats offers the best possible future here at the Y. They'll all come, cuz the church will make it a calling like, you know, teaching a primary class or somethin. Now really, can you picture Steve Young saying ‘no' to teaching a primary class?

"We need a coach that'll start calling better plays. We need a coach that'll keep track of the wild ones of the bunch. Maybe send out spies and stuff to track their ugly habits. In the line of important things in life, BYU football is right up there with Family Home Evening.

"Now if yur still not convinced, come to my web site at www.canthecrow.com and you can see all the facts, figures and statistics for yourself. And while you're there, you can order a canthecrow.com t-shirt for only $47.50 and get my 47-page outline for a winning program at BYU for free! Thank you."

Smattering of applause.

MODERATOR: "Mr. Christensen."

CHRISTENSEN; "Thank you, Rathernot. Coach Crowton doesn't need to prove he can coach Div. 1 football all over again. He's proved it his whole career. Experts and opposing coaches his whole career have acclaimed his knowledge and expertise of football. This is not idle speculation or mythical interpretation. Coach Crowton brings that uncontested knowledge to our school along with a spirit of optimism; love for the players and the University; and an effort to push forward toward success no matter what hurdles he has had to face. I believe in Coach Crowton and in the future of the BYU football program. Thank you."

Moderate applause, a few cheers, one boastful BOO!

MODERATOR: "We'd like to thank both of our participants, the audience and especially the folks here at Sweets that have graciously hosted this debate tonight. Don't forget they have a special tonight on their Teriyaki Pork Ribs at half-price for the next half hour only.

Outrageous applause, enormous cheers and deafening cat whistles.

MODERATOR: This is Rathernot B. Dan reporting from Provo, Utah. Believe me when I say this debate is far from over after last night's debacle against UNLV.

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