Countdown to Kickoff: The Q-Tip Conundrum

Can't wait for the kickoff against Boston College? Rob James explains how he plans on passing the time this spring and summer.

I carefully counted out 258 Q-Tips. It took some time, but I knew an accurate count was important. I envisioned my little pile of cotton skewers dissipating as the long hot summer months crawled by. Finally, on the eve of The 2005 Cougars returning to the gridiron, I would have one last fibered baton left to clean my skuzzy little audio cavern. A final purifying chore that would signify the end of a long summer's wait until my world would again revolve.

I picked up the pile of double-ended cotton swabs and tightly squeezed them together trying to make the mass look smaller. But still, I couldn't help but let a small sigh of depression, thinking of the many mornings that lay ahead with only the next day's ear cleaning to look forward to.

With a clean ears and a glad heart, I pushed through each day knowing that as the pile frittered away, so did another day without football. With every swipe, twist and poke, I knew the season was drawing near.

After a few weeks, I was looking at my pile and thinking; "Wow, this might not be as bad as I thought!" I started to think of other daily disposables I could use to start a Star Wars III count down.

A couple more weeks went by, and suddenly I became fearful…

"Honey! Have you been using the Q-Tips out of my drawer?…"

My greatest fears had been realized. Not only was she using them, but apparently, in respectful compliance with our many hours of teaching good hygiene, all of my children had been raiding my Q-Tip countdown clock.

I was crushed. One moment, I had renewed optimism about the labor of time I would have to endure. The next moment, I was looking at my exhausted pile of quilted pillow twigs that was now sorely under stocked, knowing it had been raided, and now represented only a small fraction of my jaded summer.

I went through my restocking chore this morning, and last night we had a family meeting about using Q-Tips out of dad's drawer. All my kids think their dad is weird, and I had to sleep on the couch last night, but my countdown is back on course.

As a side note, I also have a small tray of Tic-Tacs in my office drawer that help me countdown to the new Star Wars movie. At least for about 20 minutes per day, I have minty fresh breath to go along with my clean auditory canals.

In the mean time, I thought I would include a helpful list of things the average BYU fan can do to pass the time during the long… hot… slow… boring… and painfully football barren summer.

Analyze and update the 2 deep chart on your refrigerator.

Pretend you're John Beck and throw deep fades to your 8 year old.

Watch your old 1980 Holiday Bowl miracle tape…. Again.

Get on the Internet and study the statistics, pictures and physical characteristics of each player… Again.

Write a detailed letter to Bronco explaining your Offensive and Defensive philosophies (Diagrams included) along with a motivational speech that can be used during the half time of an especially competitive contest.

Play BYU vs. Utah on your x-box (using appropriate cheat codes as needed)

Go through the schedule and write down fictional scores.

Re-align the entire NCAA into geographical conferences. Organize a 32-team playoff and advance BYU to the finals.

Experiment with new blue colored food to use as game time hors d'oeuvres.

Re-check and test all satellite cables and Tivo to TV connections in preparation for games.

Count money in change bottle to see if you can upgrade your TV size before game time.

If you happen to enjoy baseball… Maybe the summer won't be so bad for you, but otherwise get your self some Tic-Tac's or Q-Tips (never use imitations) spend some time with your normally fall neglected family members, and review the words to Rise and Shout in preparation for the season to come.

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