In addition, I am today announcing my candidacy for this very commissioner. For the next several months I will outline my platform via this web site. I will listen to any and all suggestions you, as a common fan, may have. Together we can make a better day.
First off, my number one agenda item will be to see that an ample amount of Portal-Potties are installed in all parking areas around Death Valley for football games. I park in Lot 2, and I think we have four Portal-Potties for the entire lot to use. This is a disgrace, not to mention a health hazard to every fan's bladder. It is very obvious to me that the powers that be at Clemson don't tailgate. They simply roll up to Memorial Stadium and make the short walk into their air-conditioned private box (which, by the way, has it's own bathroom). The lines can get so long that as soon as you use the Portal-Potty, you must return to the end of the line to begin the trek back to the front of the line in time for your next emergency. I must admit that I have found myself in such desperate times that I have even used the space between my car and the car next to us as my bathroom (sorry space number 746). I propose a minimum of 50 Portal-Potties per parking lot.
Secondly, I propose we burn down Littlejohn Coliseum. And, if there is anything left to salvage after the fire, we should throw it into Lake Hartwell for Crappie beds. A wise man once said, "You can't make a filet from hamburger meat". Good point. The Tiger Pride Campaign plans to spend over $21 million on Littlejohn trying to make filet out of hamburger meat. Tiger Pride is a great, and, much needed way of upgrading the facilities at Clemson. But they threw an air-ball when they decided to "upgrade" Littlejohn instead of building a new coliseum. I propose a bon fire. Bring your beanie weenies and marshmallows and let's have a good old time.
Next, discounted tickets on game day for football games. I don't have a business degree, but it seems to me that if you can get $5 for a ticket instead of $0, then you are putting more money into the Clemson coffers. Let's face it, there are some boring teams that enter Death Valley every year. And some fine folks don't have the kind of money to shell out 20-plus dollars to see Duke get rolled by 50 points to the Tigers. So why not sell any unsold tickets for $5 on game day? Beside the obvious upside of having more fannies in the seats, it will get people over to a game that may not normally come. Then, if they like what they see, they may decide to buy tickets in advance the next week for regular price. Simple economics, I say. Maybe we can recruit one of those business students from USC to help us out on crunching the numbers.
Next, I propose we give a raise to Jack Leggett and Jim Davis. Pay them whatever the top salaries are for their profession. No two individuals have done more for Clemson with less thanks and appreciation than these two guys. Hey, let's buy them a house in Stilwater with Tommy Bowden and Brad Scott so they can at least feel as important as the football guys. In fact, I bet you Coach Leggett would not mind living in the guesthouse of Bowden just to say he was a resident of Stilwater.
Finally, let's take a look at those pesky yellow jackets. No, not the Ramblin' Wreck from Atlanta. The real yellow jackets that tend to engulf tailgating facilities during the September games. Is Clemson not an agricultural school? Somebody over there has got to be teaching Pest Control 101. I can't figure out how I can go the whole summer without ever seeing a yellow jacket, and then on game day I'm surrounding by the sons of guns. Give these genius Ag students a class project to spray something in the parking lots that rids us of these annoying creatures.
Now, these are just a few of my standard agenda items. And, because I will be representing you, I want to hear what you would like added to my agenda. I, as your commissioner, will not take no for an answer when dealing with the powers that be at Clemson.
Together, we can make Clemson University Athletics a better entity. So vote Scott Rhymer for Clemson University Athletic Commissioner this November.
Together, we will make a better day in Clemson.
You can reach Scott Rhymer at firstname.lastname@example.org.