DA SCIENCE!: Texas vs. Colorado

Da Lama: "He's a complicated man that no one understands, but his womaaan". Or maybe his talking, Tickle-Me Mangino doll. Remember when that bad Motha-(SHUT YOUR MOUTH) went to Dallas in ‘01? He beat the crud out of the locals, that steer with the wooden teet, and buried himself in massive amounts of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader cleavage. Now that's D.O.P.E. with a capital L-A-M-A. Here is Da Breakdown of tomorrow's game.

On that title-winning trip, ‘bout the only thing that Da Lama didn't do in Texas was kick the willy-dilly turtle crud out of the people who deserved it most: the soulless, spineless burnt orange faithful. But that time is nigh and Da Lama is high (on a UT running back's stash) and ready to deliver a rendition o' Da SCIENCE that'll make you fall to your knees and beg ALF to bust a pop-o-matic cap in your Nerf behind. Strap yo'self in as we achieve RAMMING SPEED and remember, no one scratches Da Lama's anchor…

BRACE YOURSELF FOR IMPACT:

According to most of those football aficionados from that state that by rights should probably belong to Mexico, we're about to have a team roll up on us and deliver a blow roughly on par with that of those shoe beatins' your Mammy used to drop on your nappy backside when you were eight. You know the ones. You'd screw up and from across the room comes the 200 lb freight train that brought you into the world screaming like a banshee and swinging for the fence with that size 10 white orthopedic right upside your head. WHAM! Next thing you know you wake up "going Greyhound" with a half empty Pina Colada slurpee in one hand and the November issue of Bus Station Boudoir cradled in t'other.

Well, Da Lama calls BS!

Didn't we hear this same broken record two years ago? A quaint, little ditty by Chrissy Simms and Bedwetters, me thinks it was! Unfortunately the tune seemed to go strangely off-key about the time Ced Benson's own lineman plowed him into next week.

AND ONE TIME, AT BAND CAMP…

Where do these folks come up with this stuff? Straight from the Whore(n)s mouth:

"When the Longhorn Band made its way onto the field for halftime the CU student section went nuts. They started throwing marshmallows, then ice, then marshmallows with batteries inside, then unopened cans of Coke. Pretty classless."

Yeah, Da Lama remembers that. After the Coke cans came the Pagan ritual sacrifice of 12 freshman girls. Their dying blood was then funneled into Super Shooter Squirt Cannons (by Coleco!) and sprayed throughout the crowd as a succulent life-continuing treat for the bloodthirsty horde of 18-22 year olds.

"During halftime there was a guy in the CU student section wearing a cowboy hat. He was obviously a UT fan. From the field we could see the CU students steal this guy's hat and then start pounding on him. The security guards just stood there dumbfounded. They had no idea how to handle the situation."

Sure they knew how to handle the situation. The guy was from Texas. It's right there in the Event Staff handbook – it's called a Code Orange. And Da Lama quotes: "If at anytime while manning your post a supporter of an opposing team comes in direct heated conflict with unruly home fans: assess the situation, call for backup, and intervene as able. If however, the opposing teams supporter is from Texas make the following adjustments to your actions: assess the situation, call for backup, and then either ignore the situation or assist the home crowd in stomping a mud hole in the opposing fan's rear. Section 39, Subsection 37, Paragraph 01.

"During the second half some drunk CU fan behind our band started to pick a fight with the band. The band Stetson's have chin straps, as this a-hole realized when he tried to steal a kid's hat. But, this didn't stop him. He just went ahead and pulled the kid off the ground by the chin strap."

His daddy must be so proud! Not only a band geek, but all of 98 lbs soaking wet.

"TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND STEP AWAY FROM THE GUN…"

It's hard for all of us fans to endure a loss like the one last Saturday in College Station. But consider this, as Bobby Purify was handing the Buffs hopes off to a guy who actually scored a whopping 480 on his SAT, the child who will one day lead this program back to greatness genially strolled by his heart-sick father wearing a 2-sizes too big Joel Klatt jersey, no pants, and colander on his head.

It's just a game, folks.

EASY AS 1-2-3:

1) Stack the box and attack with the blitz off the corners. Force VY to make quick reads. Benson will get his 160. Keep Texas strictly one-dimensional and we've got a chance to keep it close.

2) Mix a little Thunder (Vickers) with that Lightening (Purify). Purify played his heart out last week, but how long can it go on without repercussions? He already stated that if not for the injury, he would have been carrying the ball in his other arm in last week's game deciding play. Vickers has shown a nastiness when carrying the ball that will be needed against the attitude and talent of the Texas D.

3) Catch the friggin' ball, make a friggin' tackle, no more friggin' penalties. Good Lord, can we at least hope for some better fundamental play as the season progresses?

DA VISION:

Those burnt orange suckers making the trip to Boulder will not be going home with fond memories of their trip. For them, this game will suck worse than Pat Brougham lining up for the game-winner with a twisted kicking ankle. Come about 5:07 Saturday night, they will find themselves walking out of the north end of the stadium with a distinct soreness of their arrogant pride.

CU 23, Texas 21

"Hopin' you sophisticated mo-fos hear what I have to say."


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