DA SCIENCE!: Big 12 Preview

Here are the views from the Mountaintop of the Big 12 conference. Colorado will be the number one team in the North.

#1 Colorado

View From the Mountaintop:

It's scary to say, but this team does have a little of everything you look for in a conference champ, but sadly nothing that ultimately makes you quit your day job and join the war on freedom. And now you know. And knowing is half the battle.

The view from the top says the Buffs will finish 8-3, 6-2 in conference and will be spending the holidays chasin' hot chicks in La Jolla and watching Shamu get wet.

WINS: Colorado State, New Mexico State, @Oklahoma State, Kansas, @Kansas State, Missouri, @Iowa State, Nebraska

LOSSES: @Miami Fla, Texas A&M, @Texas

Battle Cry for the Season:

"Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp-out runaway decency in the Big Twelve North. Now, you will only be risking your lives, whilst I, will be risking a Division 1 head coaching career."

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Hugh Charles for Bobby Purify - gasp, the horror, blasphemer! / Garee for McChesney – the mayor is gone. Long live the Mayor!

The Sizzler: In an episode of MTV's Jackass scheduled to air in mid-October, Johnny Knoxville has agreed to let Mason Crosby kick him where the sun don't shine in an attempt to break the Guiness World Record for kicking a C-list actor through a set of goal posts. The record is currently held by Rolf Benirschke who kicked Conrad Bain from TV's Diff'rent Strokes 39 yards in 1982.

Playa Hatin':

JJ Billingsley. With JJB on the field, the entire secondary is automatically lifted to another level. Conference foes breathed a collective sigh of relief after week one when JJ went down with an injury. You have to imagine there are some anxious nights ahead for league receivers. JJ's coming and he has a whole year of butt-kicking to make up for.

Precious Roy Says:

This is Precious Roy and I used to fingerpaint on the Flatirons. Only I didn't use my finger. Oh yeah... my grandmother smells like feet!" SUCKERS!

#2 Nebraska

View From the Mountaintop:

Da Lama is sick and tired of the rash of Fusker fans spouting off about how good their returning players and recruits have gotten in the offseason compared to everyone else's. Oh I see, all non-Husker players sat around all summer drinking paint thinner and eating cheetos while UNL's returning players were all bulking up on anabolic steroids and fish paralyzers. Only UNL has an off-season training program which is how only UNL players will all get THAT much better while every other player in the league will be no better next year than they were this year. Please stop huffin' Granny's Theragesic tube.

The view from the top says the Huskers will finish 6-5, 4-4 in conference and will be spending the holidays in Orlando.

WINS: Maine, Wake Forest, Iowa State, @ Baylor, @ Mizzou, Kansas State

LOSSES: Pitt, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, @ Kansas, Colorado

Battle Cry for the Season:

"He was our #6, but now he's our number 1! Yeah Bill!"

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Zac Taylor for Joe Dailey - he can't be any worse can he, can he? / Bullocks for Bullocks - you ain't half the man yo' brotha was!

The Sizzler:

Da Lama started the 2nd half of the Nebraska spring game and threw for 320 and a pair, so I've got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Playa Hatin':

The Defensive line's parents. What were these folks thinking when they named their sons?

-Le Kevin
-Titus
-Ola
-Wali
-Ndamukong

WTF?

Precious Roy Says:

"This is Precious Roy and what do Belgium Waffles, French Fries, Spanish Fly, and Colombian Crack have in common? They are all made with respect, dignity, a pinch of partially hydrogenated whole wheat flour and you lazy flatland turds will pay anything to have some funneled down your fat pie holes. Oh yeah…I burned my thighs on a hot pretzel! SUCKERS!

#3 Iowa State

View From the Mountaintop:

If you are part of the delusional legions (or would it be lesions?) who think ISU is going to win the north in ‘05, well, you probably thought Master Blaster ran Bartertown and we all know how that turned out. But talk is cheap (like your sister) and now it's time for the ‘Clones to "face the wheel".

The view from the top says the Cyclones will finish 6-5, 4-4 in conference and will be braving the sleet storms in that tropical bowl paradise known as Shreveport. That is if Shreveport is rebuilt by then.

WINS: Illinois State, @Army, Baylor, @Mizzou, Oklahoma State, Kansas State,

LOSSES: Iowa, @Nebraska, @Texas A&M, Colorado, @Kansas

Battle Cry for the Season:

"We're good enough, we're talented enough, and dog-gone it people like us."

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Stevie Hicks for Stevie Hicks – will Stevie ever become THE MAN they keep telling us he is? / LeMarcus Hicks for Ellis Hobbs – shouldn't LeMarcus be a DLineman for Nebraska?

The Sizzler:

Someone convinced the ISU staff and players that they were Big 12 Twelve North Co-Champs. Is it just Da Lama or do you think there is a Jostens ring salesman out there somewhere in North Central Iowa laughing his Herb Tarleck-suited butt off because miracles of miracles he just made quota for the year?

Playa Hatin':

Brett Meyer – this kid is one of the new breed of quarterbacks that can beat you with their arm AND their feet. Immensely talented. Can take over a game by themselves. You know what? CU should get themselves a quarterback like this. Hmmm? What's that? We have one? BS. I know the 3-deep by heart and I haven't seen one!

Precious Roy Says:

This is Precious Roy and Brett Meyer has a blister shaped like Carmen Electra. Oh yeah…Who filled up my bathtub with this cheap jelly? SUCKERS!

#4 Kansas

View From the Mountaintop:

Let me tell you a little story. A story about a little fat kid who everybody made fun of, and nobody liked and he had 5 other brothers, and everybody said he never looked like his brothers, but he wanted to...

The view from the top says the Jayhawks will finish 6-5, 3-5 in conference and will be spending the holidays…in Ft.Worth doing, well…what the heck is there actually to do in Ft. Worth during the holidays, anyway?

WINS: Florida Atlantic, Appalachian State, Louisiana Tech, Missouri, Nebraska, Iowa State

LOSSES: @ Texas Tech, @Kansas State, Oklahoma, @Colorado, @Texas

Battle Cry for the Season:

"So we're all chickenhawks, we're all very, very different. But, there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid-enough to sign at Kansas."

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Brian Murph for Brandon Rideau –who the heck stole the "y"? / Jermial Ashley and Charlton Keith for David McMillan – forget the "y", whose been switching first and last names around?

The Sizzler:

Forget the Phog, forget the crimson and blue, forget Beaky or whatever that mascot's name is. The best bit of tradition KU has is that stupid cheer - "Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk." Only Da Lama likes his version a bit more – puts a "F'em up, F'em up, Go CU" spin on it. "Rock, Chalk, why don't you[censored]." Now, that's a cheer that will get your juices flowing. Hehehe.

Playa Hater:

Charles Gordon may get all the pub, but the one player this team can't live without is Nick Reid. The dude can flat-out play and while Mr. Gordon is making big plays and getting all the digits, Mr. Reid is upfront in the fray taking opponent's lunch money and spitting in their milk.

Precious Roy Says:

"This is Precious Roy and I see the kids down at the pond feeding Mangino bread. Faster kids or he'll bite your fingers. Oh yeah…buy my chicken-flavored air conditioning! SUCKERS!

#5 Kansas State

View From the Mountaintop:

HCBS is old. And so is all the Kitty Smack touting a new king in the Big 12 North. Last season must have really tested the faith of those long-time faithful (cough, 10 years, cough) ‘Cats fans. Not only did they tease us with a Heisman hopeful, who turned out to be about as appealing to voters as Biz Markie in a thong, but Big Bill is looking like he's just three paychecks shy of his first Rascal. Talk about inner-conflict. So while all the ‘Cat fans are enjoying yet another chest-deep delve into mediocrity - one hand on their crotches, the other hand on their Wildcat Willie Bobbleheads, and their prehensile tails making the sign of the devil to honor the pact your soon to be departed head coach made with the devil roughly 12 years ago, they'll no doubt have to be wondering if their social security private account is going to cover their therapy forty years from now just as it will be for HCBS after another sucky season. Now that's a kick to the Frankenberries.

The view from the top says the Wildcats will finish 5-6, 2-6 in conference and spending the holidays…AT HOME.

WINS: Florida International, @Marshall, North Texas, Kansas, Mizzou

LOSSES: @Oklahoma, @Texas Tech, Texas A&M, Colorado, @Iowa State, @Nebraska,

Battle Cry for the Season:

"One day, cock of the walk. Next, a feather duster."

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Alan Webb for Dylan Meier – another "Webster" on the field, oh boy. / The early ‘00s for the late 90's – you can smell the change on the autumn breeze.

The Sizzler:

Da Lama has some sweet baseball memorabilia he's looking to unload. Real cheap. Top shelf stuff.

Playa Hatin':

Alan Webb. Not only did his grandfather suck like a Flowbee as Mayor, the kid ends up at Juco State South (not to be confused with their new North campus in Lincoln, NE). That being said, the kid has some serious potential and is part of that K-State QB cloning experiment that dates back to the days of Mikey "Rockin' a 400 on my SAT" Bishop. If he gets hot against those frickin' directional schools early in the year and gains some confidence, the K-State outlook could change.

Precious Roy Says:

"This is Precious Roy and K-State fans, like Hari Krishnas, need punched just once really hard in the gut. Oh yeah, you guys got cat crud on my Parchese board. SUCKERS!"

#6 Mizzou

View From the Mountaintop:

Mizzou's time is hell and gone. The window was open for one brief shining moment (thanks Jim Nance) and is gone. In lieu of elaboration I'll recite for you a haiku:

Smith is no passer
Enjoy your last year Gary
Tigers are wussies

Ahhh, can you feel the Zen?

The view from the top says the Tigers will finish 5-6, 2-6 in conference and will be spending the holidays AT HOME.

WINS: Arkansas State, New Mexico, Troy, Baylor, Nebraska

LOSSES: Texas, @Oklahoma State, Iowa State, @Colorado, @Kansas State, @Kansas

Battle Cry for the Season:

"We do our fightin' on the radio, not on the field!"

Upgrade/Downgrade:

Brad Smith 2003 for Brad Smith 2004 / Brad Smith 2004 for Brad Smith 2003 – which Brad will he allowed to be?

The Sizzler:

If the Tigers could score points equal to the billboards proliferating the Missouri highways, Pinkel & Co. would be enjoying a Big 12 North title or two about now. Might as well change their state motto to "The Show Me How Far I Am From The Nearest McDonalds And Strip Clubs" state.

Playa Hatin':

No one. It's sad really, Gary Pinkel has done a great job castrating his teams the last few years. Mizzou has some talent, but the fact is, he might as well let most of these guys shower in the women's locker room. These Tigers ain't got no bite.

Precious Roy Says:

This is Precious Roy and my torso is cramping up. Seriously coach, hurry up and send for the trainer. Anyone…please. Oh yeah...I like to pet the leather couches! SUCKERS!

Big 12 South

All the teams in the south except for Baylor are fully capable of bending their football brethren from the north over the preverbal chair and laying the wood Deliverance style if they so choose. When the north plays the south, they best be prepared to make their own fun. Some suggestions ala Da Lama that might get you through when these North/South clashes get ugly:

1) Laugh at people who fall down
2) Make farting noises everytime the Coke vendor rocking the high-altitude pants kneels down to make change
3) Feed a Grandma a LEGO sandwich and watch those partials explode like the 4th o' July.

Da Lama's just here to make suggestions (and on occasion a rude comment about yo' momma and pigs in a blanket) so it's all good. Just be ready, because when the blood (and the hot grits) start a flyin'... things gets ill and the South will rise yet again.


BuffStampede Top Stories