Cockeyed Projections for DePaul Hoops Season's Mike Adam makes some amusing projections for the DePaul men's basketball non-conference schedule in this story…

Are you familiar with AccuScore? If not, go here:


This is one of those doohickeys where you pit two teams against one another based on their current real attributes and simulate the game 47 billion times to tell you who to expect to win. I don't know what their success rate is, but it's high enough that puts some credence in it. (Then again, this is a site that lets Jemele Hill have a periodic column, where she writes about her expertise on…on…help me out here…)

Anyway, I created my own simulation model based on that site, and I decided to run 1,000 simulations on each of DePaul's non-conference games. Below are the results:

Game 1: at Creighton
Average Final Score: DePaul 69, Creighton 61

- In 941 simulations, Jabari Currie opens the game by throwing an alley-oop pass, forgetting that Wilson Chandler no longer plays for DePaul. In 862 of those simulations, Mac Koshwal catches the ricochet off the backboard for an easy lay-in.

- In 716 simulations, ESPN announcers confuse viewers by mixing up the Blue Demons and the Bluejays for the duration of the game. In a particularly frazzled moment in one simulation, Fran Fraschilla calls them the "DePaul Blue Deacon Jays".

- In 81 simulations, Creighton coach Dana Altman leaves the game in the first half to become the head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks. In 79 of those 81 simulations, Altman returns to Creighton in time for the second half.

- In 6 simulations, former Creighton baseball coach and current Cubs' General Manager Jim Hendry trades Creighton guard Josh Dotzler and two minor leaguers to the Baltimore Orioles for Melvin Mora.

Game 2: vs. Northwestern
Average Final Score: DePaul 51, Northwestern 40

- In 1,000 simulations, DePaul's starting lineup is more athletic by a factor of four.

- In 989 simulations, Draelon Burns is the best player on the floor and leads both teams in scoring.

- In 427 simulations, Northwestern does not take a two-point shot or a free throw.

- In 184 simulations, Northwestern Coach Bill Carmody checks his wallet at halftime to ensure he still has the incriminating photos that allow him to keep his job.

- In 39 simulations, Evan Eschmeyer is granted an unprecedented 14th year of eligibility. He averages two points, one rebound, and has, on average, two shots blocked by Wesley Green.

- In 7 simulations, an abnormal number of turnovers are committed until officials realize that a strand of Tim Doyle's hair from last season is stuck to the ball.

Game 3: vs. North Carolina A&T
Average Final Score: DePaul 84, North Carolina A&T 55

- In 997 simulations, at least one DePaul walk-on scores a basket.

- In 722 simulations, the Chicago Tribune game story is moved to the obituary section so sports editor Dan McGrath can run a ten-page story on Marquette Coach Tom Crean rescuing a cat from a tree in Delavan, Wisconsin.

- In 109 simulations, DePaul breaks a record with its largest victory over a team with an ampersand in it.

- In 4 simulations, Karron Clarke records a triple double. In 3 of those 4 simulations, the North Carolina A&T team does not record a triple double.

Game 4: vs. Texas A&M-Corpus Christi
Average Final Score: DePaul 79, Texas A&M-Corpus Christi 62

- In 937 simulations, Texas A&M-C.C. cited the cold as the reason they didn't perform well. In 802 of those simulations, they were referring to the cold in the arena, not outside it.

- In 587 simulations, even the computer got bored, stopped running the simulation, gave DePaul the victory, and started downloading Britney Spears videos from the Video Music Awards.

- In 231 simulations, DePaul records more dunks than the guys jumping off the trampolines during the halftime show.

- In 41 simulations, DePaul breaks a record it set the game before with its largest victory over a team with an ampersand in it.

Game 5: at Kansas
Average Final Score: DePaul 68, Kansas 67

- In 818 simulations, DePaul Coach Jerry Wainwright spooks Kansas Coach Bill Self before the game by convincing him this is an NCAA Tournament game.

- In 657 simulations, DePaul Coach Jerry Wainwright spooks Kansas Coach Bill Self before the game by reminding him that he was the coach of the Richmond Spiders who beat Kansas at Allen Fieldhouse.

- In 435 simulations, DePaul Coach Jerry Wainwright spooks Kansas Coach Bill Self before the game by reminding him that he was the coach of the DePaul team who upset Kansas last December.

- In 231 simulations, DePaul Coach Jerry Wainwright spooks Kansas Coach Bill Self before the game by reminding him that none of his Kansas teams have lived up to expectations.

- In 95 simulations, DePaul Coach Jerry Wainwright spooks Kansas Coach Bill Self before the game by telling him that even though he left in disgrace, in-state fans love former Kansas State Coach Bob Huggins more than Self.

Game 6: Vanderbilt
Average Final Score: DePaul 71, Vanderbilt 67

- In 523 simulations, freshman guard Mike Bizoukas nails four or more three-pointers, prompting ESPN anchor Stuart Scott to make the predictable pun, "That kid was popping more than the bubble gum!"

- In 319 simulations, Vanderbilt blames the loss on lack of adequate country music in the Chicagoland area.

- In 116 simulations, Vanderbilt head coach Kevin Stallings breaks out in a rash by coaching within 100 miles of UW-Milwaukee, where current Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl started his Division I head coaching career.

- In 14 simulations, Vanderbilt forfeits the game because additional construction starts between O'Hare and Allstate, and the Commodores can't get through traffic to get to the game.

Game 7: Illinois-Chicago
Average Final Score: DePaul 80, Illinois-Chicago 70

- In 647 simulations, Darquavis Tucker catches and slams an alley-oop pass higher than Notre Dame guard Kyle McAlarney on a Friday night.

- In 308 simulations, the computer has to be reprogrammed, as the logic "DePaul vs. the best team whose home is the UIC Pavilion" results in a simulation between DePaul and the Chicago Sky.

- In 37 simulations, Will Walker somehow wins a Home Run Inn Pizza to be delivered to the team bench.

Game 8: Mississippi (in San Juan)
Average Final Score: DePaul 68, Mississippi 62

- In 1,000 simulations, Matija Poscic is the best Croatian player in the game.

- In 581 simulations, this loss inspires Mississippi to finish 8-8 in the SEC West again, tying them for first place with…the entire rest of the division.

- In 103 simulations, the game is interrupted by a small band of University of Cincinnati fans, begging Mississippi Head Coach Andy Kennedy to come back and coach the Bearcats.

Game 9: Clemson (in San Juan)
Average Final Score: DePaul 74, Clemson 71

- In 683 simulations, Kene Obi blocks at least one shot with his elbow.

- In 427 simulations, the win by a Big East team over an ACC team renders ESPN analyst Jay Bilas speechless for a full four days.

- In 198 simulations, Clemson is so taken by the beauty of San Juan that their administration asks three months in advance if they can host an NIT game there.

- In 43 simulations, Clemson head football coach Tommy Bowden insists on coaching the game to show that he's a better basketball head coach than his father at this stage of his life, too.

Game 10: La Salle (in San Juan)
Average Final Score: DePaul 83, LaSalle 68

- In 917 simulations, the LaSalle coaching staff could be heard walking off the court saying to themselves, "We may have lost all three games, but this is as high as our RPI will be all season!"

- In 384 simulations, Cliff Clinkscales records more assists than all of LaSalle's guards combined.

- In 9 simulations, DePaul accidentally plays De La Salle High School in Chicago, winning by an average score of 106-12.

- In 0 simulations is LaSalle the best team from Philadelphia that DePaul plays on their schedule.

Game 11: at Detroit
Average Final Score: DePaul 63, Detroit 57

- In 500 simulations, the best player from Michigan in the game is Darquavis Tucker.

- In 500 simulations, the best player from Michigan in the game is Jabari Currie.

- In 195 simulations, the start of the second half is delayed by 20 minutes when a halftime ceremony honoring former head coach Dick Vitale goes horribly awry. A fired-up but clearly confused Vitale addresses his entire monologue to a "Stephen A."

- In 195 simulations, I worked too hard at that joke. I'm out of material…what can I say?

As you can see, DePaul is on track for a perfect non-conference season, probably a #1 ranking. If you disagree, blame the computer. It's the one running the simulations.

Let's go, Demons.

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