They're nothing but stinkin' goal posts. Yet, with Doak Campbell Stadium ditching the Y-shaped goal posts in favor of the more old-fashioned H-shaped, Leave It To Beaver, Our Gang style goal posts, a firestorm has brewed that would make Hell's Angels run and hide.
Traditionalists welcome the return of the retro look. Those of us actually born after 1900 are now waiting for the team to change its name to Crackers or Statesman, along with the return of leather helmets.
H-shaped goal posts are good for two things:
Football museums and metal recycling. The very sight of them conjours up images of grainy black and white film and athletes moving at half the speed of today's players. Those posts certainly aren't suited for color videotape and fleet-footed speedsters.
Two other Division 1-A programs use similar goal posts -- LSU and Washington State.
You wouldn't know about Washington State unless you're a college football sicko like me who stays up until 2 a.m. in the morning to watch the Cougars host Arizona on Fox Sports Net. That's the network people in Tallahassee simply refer to as, "What's that?"
With LSU, it's a different story. Their regular visits to prime time television showcase a pair of goal posts reminiscent of Billy Cannon, Jumbalaya and Tiger Rag.
In Baton Rouge, the old goal posts are a tradition that never went away along with numbering the yard lines at five yard intervals. More modern goal posts in Death Valley just wouldn't look right. It's an exception to the rule and should stay that way.
The fact that these goal posts are returning to the hallowed turf at Doak is frightening. Bobby Bowden's heart is in the right place, since the turn back the clock look is a tribute to Bill Peterson for putting the program on the map. Indeed, Coach Pete's son is footing the $15,000 price tag. But this move in like trying to dance the Charleston to Donna Summer cooing Bad Girls. Old style goal posts would be nice for one game maybe. Going with them permanently just looks silly.
If you look at old FSU football film, not only will you see old fashioned goal posts, but something else better left in the past as well. Streamers or crepe paper or toilet paper or something used to be attached to the uprights. And not just one or two strands. But like a dozen garnet and gold, seemingly 10 foot long strands would blow in the breeze, making it look like a ticker tape parade stuck in neutral. Is that tradition being revived as well?
Since we're sticking with tradition and bringing back old favorites. Let's not stop at the goal posts.
Who wants the Spirit Spear to return? Come on, don't be shy. Tommy Hawk was last seen working at McDonald's on Tennessee Street. His career just hasn't been the same since he left FSU. Tommy needs a break. Let's give him that break, get the costume out of moth balls and let him run loose once again.
And Earth's ecosystem be damned, bring back the helium ballons too. There's nothing that says big time college football more than releasing 55,000 helium ballons brandishing the Channel 6 logo in unison with the planting of Chief Osceola's spear into the ground. That's big league all the way.
Let LSU, Washington State and nearly every high school in America keep those posts. Heck, let's donate our new/old ones to a school that could probably use them much more than we can.
Like it or not, here come the old goal posts.
Sammy Seminole can't be far behind.