The game I grew up loving is leaking oil and it's time to sop some of it up. Now, I'm hardly the expert on college football that a lot of you boast to be, but I have some ideas on how to get this jalopy back on the road.
Before you click that "Back Button", hear me out. I'm not talking about playoffs versus the BCS (If you want to know my thoughts on that, see my July 14th 2002 diatribe). I know you are tired of me bellyaching about that anyway.
For this installment, I want to tackle REAL change. Change EVERYONE can embrace. Change that will bring back the fun of college football! I've organized these changes in the form of an addendum to the NCAA rules. That way, once you all have approved them, I can just email them to the proper authorities and they can be "cut and pasted" right into the rulebook.
No college football game may commence until after seven o'clock p.m., Eastern Time.
Rule number one may be overridden, if in the opinion of the rules committee, all beer has been consumed at all tailgate parties adjacent to the stadium.
There are no kickers allowed on either team. Punting, kicking, or otherwise touching the ball with one's metatarsal will cause said offender to be penalized, up to and including forfeiture of contest in question.
Games begin with ball placed on the fifty-yard line. The team with the first offensive possession has four plays to make ten yards, failure to do so results in a turnover to the opponent.
First Offensive Possession is determined at pre- game tailgate parties where the total number of empty beer cans are counted. The team whose fans tally the highest number of empties gets to receive or defer to the second half.
Rule Number 3
All Cheerleaders must wear USC Sweater Girl uniforms.
Above referenced uniform must "fit" (nudge, nudge).
Any Cheerleader caught performing a gymnastics move on the sideline, shall be removed from the stadium, forthwith, and replaced by Gina Lee Nowlin (or close facsimile)
Cartwheels are acceptable and encouraged.
Rule Number 4
No team shall have more than TWO versions of their uniform. You may employ two jerseys (light and dark), and ONE pair of pants.
No team uniform shall be allowed to look like the Oregon Ducks.
Rule Number 5
Beer is to be sold at all college games. Everyone is sneaking in the hard stuff, so why not temper his or her buzz, with some suds?
Every fan entering the stadium in possession of a ticket stub is presented a pair of eight-ounce boxing gloves and headgear.
Rule Number 6
All marching bands are hereby ordered to cease and desist. Bands may play all they like, however, they must do so from the confines of the stands.
Halftime is hereby cut to seven minutes.
The fight generated from Rule 5, Subsection 1, judged to be the most entertaining; by the rules committee is drug to the middle of the field and therefore deemed "Halftime Entertainment."
In keeping with the requirements of Title IX, Females are hereby encouraged to participate in halftime activities.
If "halftime entertainment" fails to materialize, all fans are ordered back to their perspective tailgate until such time that a sufficient number of confrontations occur. The game is halted until normalcy is restored.
All patrons, in possession, of a ticket stub, are allowed to leave the stadium, at half time, and "top it off."
Patrons leaving stadium are exempt from participation in half time "activities."
If Gina Lee Nowlin (or close facsimile as determined by the rules committee) leaves stadium, but becomes involved in an altercation, she is therefore, and forthwith drug onto the field with her adversary.
In instances of exception #1, halftime will be extended to one hour, 45 minutes. The band is encouraged to play "Lady Marmalade" during stated exceptions.
Rule Number 7
Any coach who leaves a program, which is about to go on probation because his "shenanigans" will be barred from coaching at any Division One program until his former university finishes its probation.
Any Booster proven to have provided "illegal" benefits which cause that University to go on probation, shall be barred from participation in any activity associated with "his school", until such time as he has donated, at least the same amount to his team's fiercest rival.
Rule Number 8
Game clocks never stop (except for halftime). Sixty minutes, means sixty minutes. Soccer games are played on TV with no commercial interruption, why the heck can't football be that way? No timeouts (that way, fans can dream of another reason to scream)
See Rule 220.127.116.11
Rule Number 9 (a.k.a. "The Fan Rule")
All seats, benches and any other utensil designed to support ones lower hip area are to be removed and used in the homecoming bonfire. All fans are required to stand and scream at the top of their lungs until such time as their voices are reduced to raspy whispers. Random "voice checks" are conducted by security personnel. Any fan caught with a full voice is to be escorted from the premises, immediately.
There you have it.
Nine simple rules to improve college football. Sit back and enjoy the pomp and the pompous! Don't thank me, I'm just the messenger.