Stoops or Meyer? Why they'll/won't come to UF

Considering the way things have gone so far in the coaching search at the University of Florida, probably the best thing to do is to expect the unexpected. There's probably some coach in a league up in Canada or from NFL-Europe that we haven't heard about yet who is on the radar and who will likely be named the savior of the program in a startling development which will be announced at a press conference next week.

Until then, here is a look at the two most mentioned names — Bobby Stoops of Oklahoma and Urban Meyer of Utah — and all the good reasons why one or the other will or will not come to the University of Florida next year.


1. THE WEATHER IS HERE, I WISH OKLAHOMA WERE BEAUTIFUL: Have you ever been to Norman? Norman is this grove of trees in the middle of a prairie. It's actually lovely in Norman. Five yards outside the city limits of Norman you are on the prairie again. It's not lovely on the prairie. Oklahoma has two seasons. The baking season and the freezing season. No this is not out of Julia Child or Martha Stewart. We're talking seven months of baking because it's unbearably hot and five months of freezing with ice, snow and wind that comes down so hard from Canada that there's no amount of leather you can wear to warm you up.

2. NICER BEACHES IN FLORIDA: If you drive straight through from Norman to Galveston, Texas, you can be at the beach in six hours. It's another three hours if you try Corpus Christi. It's 90 minutes tops to Crescent. And hey! Bobby Stoops already has a condo at Crescent. Imagine that. Crescent tops Galveston or Corpus Christi every time, plus it's been a long, long time since a hurricane took dead aim for Crescent. Galveston and Corpus Christi are Spanish words that mean "hurricane magnet."

3. THE THRILL IS GONE: It was probably once fun to whip up on poor old Mack Brown at Texas, but now it's gotten monotonously boring. Texas comes into the game every year and Stoops just beats Mack the way that Stevie Wonder used to own the Poodles. Les Myles has beaten Stoops twice, which is more times than any other coach on the planet has beaten the Bobster. He paid a price for his indiscretion this year and chances are it will only get worse next time Okie Dokie plays Okie From Muscogee State because the only person with a longer memory than Bobby Stoops is Darth Visor, prime minister of Chicken Nuggets Nation. And of course there's Coach "Fran" from Aggie-land, whom Stoops will own like he owns Mack Brown. In the Big 12 North? Bill Callahan doesn't exactly strike fear into anyone at Nebraska, except maybe Nebraska fans who are now wondering just what the hell were they thinking when they fired "Old 9-3" Frank Solich? Now, if Stoops comes to the Florida, he's butting heads with Phattus Maximus up in Dollywood, Mark Richt at the Poodle Palace, Stevie Wonder in Columbia and because it's Florida's permanent game with the SEC West, Nick Saban or whichever good coach that LSU hires to replace Nick when he goes to the No Fun League. And every four years, there's Aubrin and Alabama. The Big 12 can't stack up to that challenge.

4. HOW MUCH MARY KAY CAN BE SOLD IN OKLAHOMA?: The last time Florida came calling, Okie Dokie President David Boren secured a promise from all the women in the state that they would buy Mary Kay cosmetics from Carol Stoops. Now she not only has the pink Cadillac but makes enough money to get a fleet of them. There's only so much lip gloss that can be bought in this state of about four million. There are 18 million citizens of Florida, probably half of whom are women in need of that under arm thingy that takes the sting away when you shave.


1. ADRIAN PETERSON: This is only the best running back to hit college football since Herschel Walker. He's got Bo Jackson speed and Herschel Walker power to go with Marcus Allen moves. There's every good reason he should win the Heisman Trophy this year and of course the one reason why he won't, which is because he is a freshman. He may not win it this year, but he could win the next two. If Jason White lights it up Saturday in the Big 12 championship game, he could get his second straight Heisman, which means that Stoops could have the remarkable feat of coaching the Heisman Trophy winner four straight years. Oh, and then there's that small matter of Rhett Bomar, only last year's best high school quarterback in the US, redshirting this year, but possessor of a cannon-like arm and Jason White-like smarts. Bomar will end up being the best BEST non-option quarterback ever at Okie Dokie, and he's capable of extending that string of Heisman winners.

2. SEVEN NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIPS AND COUNTING: The Sooner or Laters have won seven national championships in their history, have a chance to win again this year, and as long as there's that certain running back — did I mention Adrian Peterson? — to go with Bobby Stoops hey will be in the championship hunt. Only Notre Dame and perhaps Alabama have more football tradition than Oklahoma. This is a place where national championships are EXPECTED, unlike most places in the country where they're hoped for.

3. EASIER PATH TO THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: As long as the inmates run the asylum and we have that beast they call the BCS, there will be nothing logical or sane about the process that gets us a national champion. If you go undefeated, you win the national championship under the present way of doing things. Well, unless you're a Utah or a Boise Will Be Boise State or Two Lane, and then you're almost automatically excluded from the hunt. At Okie Dokie, Stoops has the annual tough game with Texas, the occasional tough game with Okie From Muscogee State and perhaps every now and then K-Mart State or possibly even Nebraska if they have the presence of mind to rid themselves of Bill Callahan. In the SEC East, he has to play the Poodles, Dollies and Chickens, plus there's that game at LSU every year.


1. IT'S FLORIDA, BABY!: He grew up in the midwest and has coached at that wonderful outpost called Bowling Green, where the colors aren't green but orange (nice color) and septic tank brown, and now at Utah, which is located in Salt Lake, the capital city of America's foreign country (people are nice and polite, there's not much crime, the streets are clean). He was an assistant at Notre Dame (better colors than Bowling Green, same crappy weather). In the winter, when they're butt deep in snow in South Bend, he can wear shorts in Florida, and better yet, his wife Shelley (see Webster's, check under knockout) can wear shorts and have a year round tan.

2. CHRIS LEAK: At Florida he can coach perhaps the one guy who could beat out Adrian Peterson for the Heisman Trophy in Chris Leak. Leak can throw all the passes, has the kind of learning curve you love in a quarterback, and he's got a flock of receivers who could pair up to run three-legged races and outrun any ND receiver running alone and in track shoes. At Notre Dame he can coach Brady Quinn, the Cory Bailey of quarterbacks, in that his throws always take the wrong angle and get there two seconds too late.

3. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?: The last time the Domers contended for any kind of championship was 1993 when Lou Holtz lost the national championship to Frier the Crier and his Nolette buddies even though in the head to head matchup, the Domers beat St. Bob's Home for Wayward Boys in South Bend. The typical high school recruit was seven years old the last time ND was any good. Florida's recent history is so much better, not to mention the fact that the Gators actually have a roster of talented players who run like Secretariat. The Domers' roster runs like Mr. Ed.

4. MURDERER'S ROW: That's what you could call next year's schedule at Notre Dame which includes seven bowl teams from 2004 including Michigan (roadie), Southern Cal (playing for national title in 2004), Tennessee (playing for SEC title) and Pitt (Big Least champion). It's not like Florida's schedule is a walk in the park with Tennessee, Georgia, LSU and Florida State among others, but at least there are players capable of playing to the level of the competition at Florida. Notre Dame's players are all theater arts majors. We know that because they're only acting like football players.


1. SPECTACLES, TESTICLES, WALLET AND WATCH: That's your map for a proper genuflect. For you Baptists out there, genuflect means crossing yourself. It's second nature for Urban, who's so Catholic he was named for a Pope. No, there never was a Pope Meyer. Pope Urban. Actually there were seven Pope Urbans. It's never been clear which of the seven Pope Urbans Mrs. Meyer named Coach Urban after. For a Catholic named after a pope, it doesn't get any closer to heaven than standing on the 50-yard line with Touchdown Jesus close by.

2. URBAN LEGEND: George Gipp is DEAD! That's right! Dead! And so is Ronald Reagan! And Ron Powlus, who was supposed to win nine Heisman Trophies, graduated. It's been so long since the Domers had an actual hero. The talent level is so think that it will take a miracle of Moses parting the Red Sea proportions for Meyer to win more than six or seven a year in the first two, perhaps three years. If he can survive the first three years and somehow convince quality kids to play in crappy weather at a school which requires class attendance among other things, he will have legend written all over him. Keeping the fans off his back, living up to expectations, recruiting great kids, winning ten games a year? Nothing to it for The Suburbanator! Pope Urban the Eighth! The Urban Legend. There's some swamp land in Collier County....

3. SAME TIME, SAME PLACE, SAME STATION: Try 2:30 p.m., South Bend, Indiana, and NBC on your TV dial. The Notre Dame Broadcasting Company (NBC) broadcasts all the home games for the Domers at 2:30. That's a minimum of six times a year on national television. The Michigan, Pur-don't and Pitt roadies will likely be on ABC and if Ty Willingham somehow gets his old job back at Stanford, you know that one will be nationally televised as well. That's potentially 10 nationally televised games. If you need to recruit — and believe me, this job is Extreme Makeover: College Football Edition --- then what better way to get your name and face in the hearts and minds of potential recruits than on the teewee?

4. MAMA'S CALLING: This is the job he's always said is his dream. Now, if you take a look at the available talent, murderous schedule and unrealistic expectations, whoever lands the job at ND is a candidate for an exorcism, because only one possessed would willingly choose this route. But, he says it's his dream. Where's Joseph when you need him to give a good interpretation of what that dream means? When Alabama called Bear Bryant to coach he said it was "Mama calling." Is Urban's mama Notre Dame?

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