Welcome to the SEC East Neighborhood...

BIRMINGHAM, AL. --- There are two new sheriffs in the toughest division in college football. Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier now join Mark Richt, Phillip Fulmer, Rich Brooks, and Bobby Johnson as the newest residents in that colorful subdivision known as the SEC East. Forget the west folks and saddle up for a ride through The Wild, Wild East.

The most beautiful acreage in the subdivision is owned by The Tanned One -- Urban Meyer, his lovely wife Shelley, and their children. The family has several gorgeous moss draped Grandaddy Oaks, Sabal Palms, and flowers throughout the yard of their Key West style home. The Meyers are one of the most active families in the neighborhood. They're always going places together, something rarely seen in these days. On Saturday they tripped to the beach. On Sunday, they attended church. The Meyers moved in last January and were seen trading their snow shovels for sand shovels. They are the modern day version of The Nelsons (Ozzie and Harriet) and are the envy of the neighborhood, but you'll never hear it spoken aloud.

Living in the home on the hill is the Fulmer family. Mr. Fulmer is a successful man who works with troubled youths. The neighbors complain because his yard is always in need of a fresh cutting. Yard work is something that seemingly escapes him. He sweats too much. Some of the kids from Alabama Avenue in the subdivision across the highway have inserted the word "Fill" on his mailbox in place of his first name. As you have probably surmised, "Fill" has a weight problem. Those same kids hurl catcalls toward the house every October, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" in response to the oversized Orange shirt he usually wears. Fill has had enough of the kids from Alabama Avenue. He has reported them to the cops. He has personally spoken to the special unit which investigates such activity, the Neighborhood Criminal Accusations for (innocence) and Alibis, NCAA for short. Fill has come to their neighborhood in an attempt to exact a little revenge.

Mr. Steve Spurrier and his family live across the street from the Meyer family. He once owned the lot the Meyers now occupy. Mr. Spurrier ended up using it as a driving range, though. He has a nice home that is in the process of undergoing a total redesign. Many of the neighbors debate whether he is a tremendous businessman who enjoys playing golf, or vise-versa. Rumor abound that he made a bundle in Washington. It was politics without all of that government red tape. He too has made fun of Mr. Fulmer. Mr. Spurrier once told Fill that he couldn't spell the word citrus or something like that. Mr. Spurrier has been gripping his three wood a lot tighter these days, as many of the young people he counted on stole pictures and other items from his house and subsequently found trouble with the law.

The big Red and Black house is owned by the Richt family. They have the disgusting dog that droools all over everything. It is the fourth dog they've owned. Mr. Spurrier ran the other three over a few years ago. He drives too fast, but is not a bad driver. Speculation is that he did it on purpose. Mr. Richt has also spent time working with troubled youths. He has even visited them in jail. He worked for many years with the elderly on Seminole Lane. He received much of his training there, espcially working with those troubled youths.

The Johnsons live in the gold house with black trim. Mr. Johnson usually drives an old Pinto. Every once in awhile, he takes out the Buick out of the garage. They are a relatively quiet family. You rarely ever hear or see Bobby, except when he's going to work.

Every neighborhood has a house that always seems to have a new occupant. In our neighborhood, that would be the big blue house. I think the owner's name is Rich Brooks. He and his family moved here not too long ago from out west. They're the aloof family who never really seem all that eager to interact with the other neighbors. Many of the neighbors seem to think that he'll move on the next two years. Sometimes a man named Tubby will drop by and give him home repair tips.

The subdivision holds a fall festival competition each fall. Mr. Fill Fulmer and his family won the competition last year. The Meyers and Spurriers hope to add new life into the fall event. The Meyer family is highly competitive, but must prove themselves (says The Great Pumpkin). In the past, Mr. Spurrier has treated the Fulmers and Richts like Tiger Woods in a playoff against the amateur champion of Brooker. Nobody really seems concerned with the Johnsons and the Brooks. Although Johnson does have a guy named Cutler who is supposedly a ringer.

As they say, there goes the neighborhood.

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