Cavalcade of Whimsy
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Cavalcade of Whimsy
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Sorry if this column sucks, it's not my fault … it got suspended even though I got hurt jumping out of a two-story window saving my seven-year-old nephew.
Welcome to your new NFL Combine drill – non-criminal balcony falling … Notre Dame has made Josh Shaw an honorary team captain for the Navy game for wiping away any semblance of attention from the academic issues in South Bend.
For those of you who thought the media blitz for Anchorman 2 wasn’t quite excessive enough … Please email me if I’ve completely missed the boat here. I could be wrong – and I promise to check on this for next week – but I think there might be a new network of some sort that programs nothing but SEC related content. You’d think that’d be something the ESPN PR machine wouldn’t have fallen asleep on, and at the very least it might have promoted the thing once in a … what? They are pushing it? Every four seconds in a saturation carpet bombing strategy across every media platform ever devised for the last six months to the point of sucking the life and joy out of all of life’s pleasurable pursuits? They’re sticking Texas A&M and South Carolina on there to force people to find it and care?! Oh, never mind. Sorry.
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Wednesday evening at 7:00 pm EST: LSU graduate and Auburn Medical Director Dr. James Andrews will demonstrate the procedure to repair a conference’s rotator cuff after excessive self-congratulatory pats on its own back.
The poor guy can’t even afford crab legs … I’ll believe that all of the Power 5’s muscle-flexing really and truly will benefit the players - like the conference commissioners are saying - when the cost of attendance stipend comes out to around $1.2 million a year for a superstar, Heisman-caliber quarterback to live and go to school in College Station, Texas or Tallahassee, Florida.
”Don’t sweat it, sweetie. I won’t tell.” … The media buried the lead on Jameis Winston’s moment of forgetfulness – a college sophomore knows how to cook crab legs?
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Sunday morning from 9:00-10:00 am SEC In-Depth: Tim Tebow – Too Good For The NFL?
And it'll give them more time to work on their showering habits ... Think about it. At the immediate moment, in the Neanderthal, alpha-male, testosterony-plagued world of football at the highest level, it’s far more acceptable to be an openly gay player than it is to even hint at leaving your college team early to save your body for the NFL.
In a stunningly wonderful step forward for humanity, a player coming out and admitting he’s gay isn’t earth-shattering news like it would’ve been last year at this time, but coming out of college football to preserve the multi-million dollar investment is now considered the ultimate taboo. If a Todd Gurley noticed how Marcus Lattimore is doing in San Francisco – and in his bank account – and realized that the smart play would be to leave school now, get an agent, and save a year of unnecessary wear and tear on his body, he’d get absolutely slaughtered in the court of public opinion. And then he’d be the sixth pick in the 2015 NFL Draft and would be grinning ear-to-ear, baby, as he got his hug on with Roger.
How much longer must NFL-caliber underclassmen be forced to play college football if they don’t want to? All of a sudden, Mr. Clowney is flying off the ball like he was shot out of a cannon, while showing superhuman body lean off the edge and otherworldly quickness. Sure, he was banged up last year at South Carolina and needed to get a few things cleaned up, but he also looked like a guy who had no interest in playing any more college football than he had to. The NFL scouts in the know took one look at Clowney’s workouts and laughed – of course this guy was the No. 1 overall pick. Soon, some college player will break the barrier – and everyone will realize that it really is okay.
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Thursday 1:00 pm to 2:30 pm: SEC Fashion. This week, choosing a kicky bag that holds large bundles of cash - and look good doing it!
The guy broke up with Kim Kardashian – hasn’t he suffered enough? … Considering all the changes being made in the way college football is run, and with the NCAA giving up on ever punishing anyone ever again, America, it’s time.
Reggie Bush won the 2005 Heisman Trophy – it’s okay to let him have it back and officially put his name back into the record books.
He didn’t pull a Pete Rose and bet on college football. He wasn’t involved in the 1990s version of the Trial of the Century. He didn’t sign a ton of autographs just because he was bored. There’s no “girlfriend” dying of cancer story, there wasn’t a need for a William Meggs, and no former Mississippi State player acted as his agent.
Penn State is still able to play college football, Brian Kelly still has a job, Pete Carroll won a Super Bowl, and it's President Jim Tressel to you.
Out of all the crazy and controversial scandals in recent college football history, we’re going to stick to our guns on this one? It’s not like the guy broke any laws - he worked with a marketing company, violating the NCAA phony baloney by-laws 220.127.116.11 and 18.104.22.168.6 that won’t exist in the very near future. Oooooooh. It was a silly ruling at the time, and it’s even more ridiculous now. Enough already - give the man his Heisman. #PushBushHeisman.
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Monday from 8:00-9:00 pm: SEC In-Depth: Urban Meyer – SEC Legend or Couldn't Hack It And Relegated To The Minors?
It'll stir the pot when they select seven SEC teams ... Your sister and a pack of trained lemurs could probably come up with the four teams that belong in the playoff at the end of the year. At least three of them around going to be glaringly obvious, and if you’re not a sure-thing for the top four, something probably went wrong. No, the big controversy is going to come with the other big New Year’s Day bowls, also known as the Bowls That Used To Be BCS Bowls But Aren’t Anymore Because There’s No BCS. The Rose and Sugar are playoff games this year, but the 13-person committee will also choose the Orange, Fiesta, Cotton and Chick-fil-A Peach. There will be some tie-ins to consider, and one team outside of the Power 5 has to get in, but if you want real politicking, this is where it’s going to kick in.
”We're on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for tonight, we are Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.” … Yeah, yeah, yeah, June Jones and the Other 5, this whole thing stinks for you in terms of having a seat at the football table of and being able to go forward in the big business world of college athletics, but on the field, it’s not like anything is changing. As of this immediate moment – 10:58 PM CT on Wednesday, August 27th, 2014 – the season just kicked off with Abilene Christian looking like Florida State against Georgia State, and around 50 teams are already eliminated from the national title chase no matter what they do.
Take last season and make it this year – would Fresno State or Northern Illinois have even been in the discussion for one of the big four spots late in November? Not a chance.
There’s still enough street cred for some of the teams in the American Athletic Conference to be in the mix if someone gets through 12-0 – especially considering some of the big non-conference games on everyone’s schedule – but with all the hoopla and all the bluster from the Power 5, really, life isn’t going to be any different for the Eastern Michigans and Troys of the world.
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Thursday night from 11:00 pm to 11:00:01 pm: Famous SEC African-American Football Legends from 1921 to 1965.
It is, however, ironic that the guy who spent the last few years getting beaten to a pulp running the ball reinjured himself while throwing … Everyone, relax. Ohio State isn’t going to stop playing football just because Braxton Miller got hurt. The Buckeyes lost a quarterback – they have more of them. It’s a shame that Urban Meyer has absolutely no idea how to coach up a QB. Okay, so there’s Josh Harris – 7,503 passing yards and 55 touchdowns, 2,473 rushing yards and 43 touchdowns, four touchdown catches at Bowling Green - Alex Smith, Tim Tebow, Chris Leak, Braxton – but besides those guys, what has Meyer really done?
Fine, Colorado sort of kills the argument ... For all of you looking for an argument against one of the teams outside of the Power 5 getting into the playoff, taking the side of it being a grind to deal with the week-in-and-week-out life of playing in one of the big leagues – as opposed to winning one or two big games and coasting through a MAC or Conference USA slate – how has Utah done since moving to the Pac-12? How many Big 12 championships has TCU won since making the jump?
"A lifetime of being in a nuclear power plants has left me with a healthy green glow - and has left me as impotent as the Nevada boxing commissioner." … Okay, Other 5. You want to turn this your way? You want to drop trou and give a big ol’ moon to the Almighty Power 5? Then conference up and do exactly what the Power 5 would like to, but is too chicken spit to stop dancing around its long-term goal. As is, Texas State will never get the same recruits Texas and Texas A&M can, but it might if it told the top prospect they could have agents and do endorsement deals. You want to get really good, really fast, Georgia State? Find a few wealthy donors who want to start giving top-shelf players money above the table to come and be a Panther. Puny 5, if you band together and do this, what’s are the big leagues going to do? Stop playing you? That would mean they’d have to start playing FCS teams or – perish the thought – start playing each other in all of the non-conference dates. The NCAA has decided it’s done trying – it’ll shake its fists and give you a stern look, but that’s it. All of a sudden, make the cost of attendance at Idaho $125,000 a player with a free car to make it easier to get around.
This week, on the ESPN Network, powered by the SEC – or vice versa … Saturday at 5:30, The Nick & Lane Show! He’s a little bit country, he’s a little bit rock ‘n’ roll, but together they’ll all fun, fun, fun! Wholesome hijinks for the entire family!
- Part 2 - Ten big predictions that won't happen, but ...