Cavalcade of Whimsy
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- 2013 Cavalcades
- Aug 26 Josh Shaw, playoff talk, and there's a new network?
- Sept 2 College Football's big new problem
- Sept 9 The impossible: defending the Big Ten
- Sept. 16 More Big Ten issues, UCLA Jerry & More
- Sept. 23 Read it right in the ...
- Sept. 30 No, Florida State isn't No. 1
- Oct. 7 Trevor, Katy & Ole Miss
- Oct. 14 Gurley, Jameis & Autographs
- Oct. 21 The Play, and is Florida State that good?
- Oct. 28 What matters in the rankings
- Part 2 What's a "quality" win?
- Part 3 Playoff Questions Answered
Sorry if this column sucks, it’s not my fault … Maryland wouldn’t shake my hand at the coin toss. My feelings were hurt.
”It's not a place for inappropriate behavior. And you definitely don't pull a hypothetical gun on your therapist.” … Work with me here. If you’re a lover of all-things chaos – and who isn’t - and if you want to see heads explode, root really, really hard for LSU to beat Alabama this weekend, and here’s why.
If LSU beats Alabama and then goes on to beat Arkansas and Texas A&M on the road, the Tigers will be 6-2 in the SEC with losses to Mississippi State and Auburn.
Then, let’s say Alabama beats Mississippi State and Auburn, finishing 6-2 in the SEC with losses to Ole Miss and LSU.
Then, let’s say Auburn beats Texas A&M and Georgia, but loses to Alabama to finish 6-2 in the SEC with losses to Mississippi State and Alabama.
Then, let’s say Ole Miss beats Arkansas and Mississippi State to finish 6-2 in the SEC with losses to LSU and Auburn.
Then, let’s say Mississippi State beats Vanderbilt, but loses to Alabama and Ole Miss to finish 6-2 in the SEC with losses to the Tide and Rebels.
If that happens, and assuming no late-season non-conference gags, the SEC West would have five 10-2 teams that finished 6-2 in conference play and with all the losses coming amongst themselves in division play.
Who would end up getting the division title and play in the championship game? It would come down to SEC records of the East opponents played by the five tied West teams, meaning Ole Miss and Mississippi State would be screwed because they both played Vanderbilt. The Rebels also played Tennessee, and the Bulldogs played Kentucky. Meanwhile, LSU played Florida and Kentucky, Auburn played South Carolina and Georgia, and Alabama played Tennessee and Florida.
Please don’t try to start figuring that out or your brain will start oozing out of your ears.
To take this to a more realistic and fun level, look at the East. Let’s say Mississippi State loses to Alabama and Ole Miss and Bama is the only one-loss team in the West and takes the division. Then, what if Missouri, Georgia, or Florida – yup, the Gators are still knee-deep in this with a little bit of luck – ends up winning the SEC championship? Now, what if Florida State goes unbeaten or is 12-1 with an ACC championship, the Big Ten champ is 12-1, Oregon is 12-1, the TCU-Kansas State winner is 11-1 and/or Notre Dame is 11-1. Is it possible the SEC could be totally shut out of the playoff, and is it possible the SEC West – after coming up with the greatest season by any division ever – doesn’t get anyone in? If you want to test out the new committee to the max, this would do it.
”No way, why should I change? He's the one who sucks.” … I’m politely asking for Mississippi State WR Fred Ross to change his name, because Fred Ross makes me think of Red Ross – the level the character of Ross Geller on Friends went to whenever he had to get really mad and take his game to another level – which reminds me that I really did watch every episode of Friends and know them way, way too well, which makes me feel bad about myself.
God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Little Boy: ‘No,’ Says God … Doing the job for The Onion, here’s a story idea it has to dive into: Tom Rinaldi Does Poignant Piece On Healthy Kid
And no, don’t try to compare them to another bad little fad … I’m politely asking for Auburn LB Kris Frost to change his name, because Kris Frost makes me think of 1) Kris Kross, and that in 1992 I really did jump, jump and got way too into that song, which makes me feel really bad about myself, and 2) then reminds me that as a kid in 1979 I made my parents by the Christopher Cross album which then reminds me of the song, “Sailing,” which makes me feel really, really bad about myself.
This whole thing proves just where basketball’s place is in the world … 100% completely and totally and entirely and wholly and thoroughly and utterly and absolutely and fully don’t give a flying fig about who the Michigan athletic director is. Hire a football coach who cranks out ten-win seasons, and fans will show up, and all the phony-baloney other sports that no one cares about can continue exist. It’s that simple.
”Some will tell you that you're wrong/ You do it all the wrong way/ Some will tell you that you're wrong/ That you don't know the way” … I’m politely asking for NC State PK Niklas Sade to change his name, because Niklas Sade makes me think of the singer, Sade, who in late 1980s form continues to knock on the door of the all-time four-team playoff of ridiculously hot women, and then I feel sort of bad about myself, but not really.
Todd Gurley, here’s why you shouldn’t fight this … There are some debates I want to lose. I was hoping Marcus Lattimore would become an all-timer of a feel-good NFL story, but instead, his name will be forever linked to the reason why elite pro prospects should quit playing college football as soon as they’re able to, just like Tommy John’s name will always be linked to fixing ulnar collateral ligaments.
”Ya. Ya, girly-man. Hear me now and believe me later - but don't think about it ever, because, if you try to think, you might cause a flabulance.” … Here's what Todd Gurley should tell the NCAA.
"NCAA, yes, I'll sit out and be suspended, and yes, I'll pay back the money to you as a sort of fine, even though I really shouldn't. However, I'll do all of this if, and only if, you agree to pay me $20 million if I suffer a Marcus Lattimore-like injury."
Georgia can still win the CFP title, and it can do it because Gurley is coming back in time for Auburn, and that what makes the situation – at least in terms of my belief system – so interesting, since my "top player should always leave early for the NFL" thing only applies if his team is pushing for a national championship. If the Bulldogs win out, and Missouri just loses once more – the way it’s playing, it will – then they’ll have a shot at the SEC championship and more - a two-loss SEC champ still probably gets in. But if they lose to Auburn, then yeah, Gurley, get out and go get into elite of the elite shape. The NFL scouts would actually prefer it, and those who say they wouldn't are lying.
If Max doesn’t get all the stuff in the storage locker, I’ll take it … For all the overblown phony controversy discussed in Brian and The Boz about the anti-NCAA t-shirt he wore in the 1987 Orange Bowl, there to this day remains one indisputable fact – he sort of turned out to be right overall, even if he was in the wrong for complaining about being suspended for doing steroids.
One key difference in the premise of the ad. Boz got hurt in the pros – he didn’t suck … If Matt Leinart, Heath Shuler and Brian Bosworth actually wanted to go back to college, they could.
”Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.” … There are certainly reasons for criticism and controversy in terms of the College Football Playoff process and committee, but for the most part, it’s about as solid a way to do things as possible. To their credit, the playoff types really and truly are trying to figure out every way to do this as well and as above-board as possible, trying to be proactive in finding the potential problems and inconsistencies before they come up. One of the key parts to the whole puzzle, though, that needs to be changed going forward is the automatic Group of Five bowl slot for one of the big New Year’s Day bowls, formerly known as the BCS games.
It was the bone thrown to the little guys to make the AAC, C-USA, MAC, Mountain West and Sun Belt feel like they could still have a place in this world, but the landscape has changed over the last five years and several of the good programs from those conferences have moved on to bigger and better things. UCF came up with a thriller of a win over Baylor in last year’s Fiesta Bowl, but this season, college football fans are going to be forced to watch Marshall, or a two-loss East Carolina, or maybe Colorado State instead of a really solid 11th or 12th-ranked team in what would be a better bowl matchup. That’s not to say that the Herd or the Rams couldn’t come up with an upset over an Ole Miss or an Ohio State, and no one’s putting the GOFer in the playoff automatically, but if the idea behind the big bowl games is to create the best matchups possible, it’s a limiting factor.
Part One would’ve been better … it was awful and I gagged it away at the end, so, like Penn State head coach James Franklin did after his Nittany Lions lost to Maryland, I’m bringing out my kids to the post-column press conference as a criticism shield.
- Part 2 What's a "quality" win?
- Part 3 Playoff Questions Answered