Stanford Delenda Est: The Poem

In the spirit of good competition between two of the West's best basketball and academic institutions, SiliconZag waxes poetic about Gonzaga's opponent in the 2002 Pete Newell Challenge. All in good fun.

Stanford Delenda Est !

For Cardinal clan tickets for the Newell can easily be had
The Brotherhood of ZAG shall attend, even though we're a bit sad
That Pete Newell's tourney prefers fans of Cardinal and Bears
And disregards the ZAG, that great team of Few, who swears

"Once again the Cardinal we must destroy
After this lousy ticket heist, this miserable ploy!
Our alumni and team have both been dissed
And with this situation we're kind of pissed."

For this tourney held in Oakland, The Classic of Pete Newell's
Prices are so high you'd think the tickets they sold are jewels!
The organizers were given this most heinous assignment:
To refuse the guest schools ticket sales on consignment.

To Pete Newell whose tourney bears his name
This deference to Stanford is certainly a shame.
For no coach of Cal would favor the Cardinal contingent
Over the ZAGS whose values are so much more stringent.

ZAG fans are indignant that you favored a farm
Over tiny Gonzaga with all of its charm.
But alas it's not about justice, just about money
And frankly it's all just a little bit funny.

Cal and Stanford once enemies in sport
Have joined together on the basketball court
Cal plays the Jayhawks and could be in trouble
While Stanford plays the ZAGS who will turn them to rubble.

Down with the Cardinal and their lame scramble band
And Bear fans: the Brotherhood of ZAG will give you a hand.
A new chance to witness yet another Cardinal demise
It shall be a most joyous event, although not a surprise.

Our fans are not many, but our voices are loud
Of the school named Gonzaga, we're justifiably proud.
We've proven to the press, to one and to all
It doesn't matter a bit if your alma mater is small.

Stanford History and Tradition

Maples Pavilion is dilapidated, old and not at all pretty,
They have a band there that considers themselves witty.
They prance and they frolic, think they are clever
And have yet to entertain anyone and probably will never.

The scramble band of Stanford is tasteless and crude
Not the least bit talented, but admittedly quite rude.
Against Oregon they ridiculed the endangered spotted owl
This lame "joke" in the Northwest was considered a foul.

Against Notre Dame they poked fun of the potato famine
As if the Irish who perished were merely farm raised salmon.
If this is the way aristocratics perform,
Perhaps they should consider a major reform.

The last laugh is for the Irish who are now coached
By Ty Willingham, his ex team already has been poached.
Down on the Stanford farm, fans are too chic to loudly cheer
While Irish fans make lots of noise and drink beer.

The Stanford Band saved their best trick for the ‘82 game.
The Cardinal trailed most of the way, ‘gainst a Cal team considered lame.
With a few seconds to go, the Cardinal kicked a field goal and led
Rather than play in the stands, the band ran onto the field instead.

Prematurely they celebrated their traditional song
Borrowed from the Rolling Stones, it all went wrong.
On the last play, Kapp's lads kept lateraling and pitching,
All the while, Stanford's coach kept complaining and bitching

"Illegal formation and too few Cal chaps on the field," he said.
Wasn't fair to have fewer blue and gold boys than there were red.
On the gridiron Stanford's band was playing and rocking,
Inadvertently helping Cal with their downfield blocking!

When it was over, the Cal hero ran in for the score
Alas, once jubilant Stanford didn't have the lead anymore.
The Cal fans went crazy, and so did KGO's Joe Starkey
Finally it dawned on the scramble band, they were full of malarkey.

With no time on the clock Cal's hero into the end zone crashed
Clobbered the trombonist with the football and his horn was smashed.
The moral would be: "… if your band celebrates and rubs it in too soon
‘Twill be your opponents who ultimately play their victory tune."

Zags vs. Cardinals

We are proud to be ZAGS, though some think it's not easy
Way better a ZAG than a Cardinal, so slimy and sleazy.
The Brotherhood of ZAG is something terrific
The defeat of the Cardinal must be complete and horrific!

Stanford's fans are pretentious snobs and mostly patricians
While the Brotherhood of ZAG is composed of magicians.
ZAG magic and power comes from deep devotion
And, we don't envy your band that creates too much commotion.

Stanford alums are insufferable and supercilious snoots,
On their farm they wear Birkenstocks instead of cowboy boots.
Stanford folk are all taught a certain sniffing position
Nostrils pointed skyward, saying no "Acts of Contrition"

In Seattle's Key Arena, three years ago
Your "tree" danced at midcourt so slinky and slow.
We cheered our Bulldog, who after taking a peek
Lifted his leg and upon your fake tree, took a leak.

The symbol of Stanford "evolved" from an Indian to a tree To which the Brotherhood of ZAG responds, "well fiddle dee dee."
To your tree and your fans our Bulldog will show his fine rump
And of your "Palo Alto" will remain but a stump.

In "Shallow Alto" where streets are littered with beemers and jags,
Soon there they'll be flying the flag of the ZAGS!
For even at the Old Pro where Palo Altoans drink beer
Most of the patrons for Gonzaga do cheer!

The last time Gonzaga played Stanford it was in Seattle
Though Stanford was favored, ‘twas not much of a battle.
We shot out their lights and led most of the game
For Stanford and their fans ‘twas a real darn shame.

Nothing but net, and many three pointers,
Saints Richie and Matt were the Gonzaga anointers.
Zag defense, rebounding and shooting were vastly superior
That our lads went after their bigs, right into their interior.

Casey, Richie, Jeremy, Quentin, Mike and Matt
Played like brothers and laid the Cardinal flat.
Every time the Cardinal got close, we'd score another three
Poor Stanford was shocked and down went their tree.

With every ZAG basket the crowd grew much louder
The Gonzaga contingent couldn't have been prouder
Poor Monty's boys were outwitted and thoroughly routed
Surprising the press since the Cardinal was so touted.

We scored from the outside and from the inside…
We flooded their zone like a Puget Sound high tide.
Poor Stanford was vanquished, though they thought we were chumps
All the sweeter for ZAGS since we kicked their arrogant rumps.

Even though the Jesuits taught us critical thinking.
Soon after the game we ZAG fans began partying and drinking.
We had (again) beaten the arrogant Cardinal pretty darn bad
And none of the ZAG fans felt the least bit sad.

Maddog was dejected as down went his Cardinal
We defeated the favorite and their "unbeatable" arsenal.
For the Stanford contingent it was all rather shocking,
After the game, newfound supporters to Gonzaga came flocking.

They called us Cinderella, ‘til we defeated the fine Florida team
Shattering Coach Billy Donovan's Championship dream.
The Gators were tough, and frustrated our boys,
Near the end there was even more commotion and noise.

We saw the ZAG reserves lock arms on the bench,
The sight of which caused all ZAG hearts to wrench.
Just before the buzzer signaled the end of the game,
Casey's last second tip in to Gonzaga brought fame.

We come from a conference that is not very famous
And still the more "powerful" find it impossible to tame us.
Gonzaga is good, but is only a "mid major"
To our PAC 10 opponents, let's make this small wager:

We shall smite the Huskies, Cougars and Cardinal this year
And if not, at the bar of your choice, we'll pay the beer.
And when your PAC 10 "majors" to us lose,
The wealthy Stanford Cardinal should pay for the booze.

The ZAG hang out is North of the River, Jack and Dan's
It's an Irish pub frequented exclusively by Bulldog fans.
John Stockton's father owns of this sacred shrine
They serve whisky and beer there, and hardly ever whine.

The Essential Difference

At Stanford the heroes are different than ours
We honor scholars, while they're into fancy cars.
At Gonzaga we hold Augustine, Aquinas and Plato in high esteem
At Stanford they honor Adam Smith and of wealth they instead dream.

Ethics, metaphysics and literature at Stanford are passe,
They're much too hip and sophisticated to be led "astray."
At Gonzaga we value the classics and The Great Books
While Leland Stanford was grandson to a notorious crook.

If Dante were here, in which circle would the Cardinal he place?
With Vanni Fucci the thief or Judas who refused to show his face?
Fucci from the 8th Circle would be fine company for a Robber
But there's room in the 4th with avarice, gluttony and swearin'.

The Cardinal is pathetic, represents no Shakespearean hero
To be a hero, one must be more like Lear than Nero,
While Rome burned, a fiddle Nero held in his hand
Which reminds us a lot of that silly Stanford band.

Stanford "educates" aristocrats, plutocrats and royalty
From their alumni, they get big donations and undying loyalty.
Tis said in Spokane about the fine Stanford lads
They should really consider going to some classes!

At Stanford they offer classes on exploitation, greed
They don't concern themselves with those who are in need.
Their alumni and students all try to pretend
That they are really kind hearted liberals in the end.

Now if this claim they make is not among the biggest of farces
Then to them, we invite to kiss our royal ZAG arses!
Stanford has a tower named for Herbert Hoover, they are proud
And their myopic alumni and fans expect us to be wowed!

Wasn't Herbert Hoover the fella who in '29 caused The Crash?
Among his kindred spirits you'd find Enron and WorldCom trash!
Stanford adores Adam Smith who said free markets are the way
To keep the middle class busy, so that "…our taxes they'll pay."

At Stanford they are fixated with winning a dumb axe
While their alumni are preoccupied with avoidance of tax.
Kind of ironic for a tree an axe to covet
Perhaps they should take their axe and shove it!

Down on the farm they don't even read Dante
Instead they worry about the size of their entrée.
Strange that in wealthy Palo Alto, fine restaurants they lack
No Chez Pannise, just another Box named after Jack.

Haughty and Certainly Naughty

Spokane, Stanfordites think, "is really the sticks"
And our alumni made up entirely of hicks.
We pray to Aloyisius and Ignatius as potent intercessors,
Who are much more virtuous than Stanford professors.

Stanford alums call Harvard, "the Stanford of the East"
While the Crimson of Harvard regard the Card an inferior beast.
Stanford chaps live in delusion, consider themselves best
Everyone else thinks they should give it a rest.

A 3.0 at Stanford is worth a 4.0 anywhere else they claim
For us Jesuit trained scholars this sounds real lame.
At Stanford they defend this type of grade inflation,
But their economic gurus oppose if for the rest of the nation.

At Stanford there are no classes in Jesuit logic
No syllogistic reasoning, instead they just frolic.
Palo Alto all tidy and clean, is lacking in soul
And in order to get there, you must pay a toll.

Cardinal fans sneer and look down on their foes
Which in the end only adds to their considerable woes.
When they were Indians they were still pretentious,
Nowadays, thanks to the band, they're totally licentious.

After they lose they pretend it doesn't matter
And their student section begins some nonsensical chatter
They say it didn't hurt, for them it's a little loss
Since someday the victors will be calling them "boss."

The Heathen Stanfordites think Palo Alto the promised land
If true, then Eucalyptus groves there grow upon quick sand.
This supposed "Camelot" is North of Silicon Valley
It's a custom made spot for the wealthy to dally.

Poor Stanford, whose campus is south of "the city"
Deserves less our contempt, and more of our pity.
No Jesuit tradition, no academic rigor
More full of cynical contempt than youthful vigor.

Playing Gonzaga again will extend their losing streak
Another loss to the ZAGS, must for the Cardinal be bleak.
Stanford hates to lose but especially with Bear fans gawking
And to the Newell Challenge, Cal fans will come flocking.

"Undefeated against Stanford," Bear fans are envious,
But at the same time they'll be glad for us.
Cal loves to see Stanford lose no matter at whose hand
Especially in front of that lousy stinking band.

Stanford Athletics nixed the tree in favor of the Cardinal,
But in comparison to Gonzaga their team is marginal.
We may lack their influence, their arrogance and wealth
But against the Cardinal, Gonzaga shall always be stealth.

Weird to call yourselves Cardinal since you're mostly pagans
Lot's of vegetarians down there, ever considered vegans?
The Cardinal is a bishop in the Catholic Church,
A symbol which places Stanford heathens in a lurch.

How about robber barons, tax evaders or even gentry?
A new mascot, a new start, for the new century.
A mascot for Stanford should describe alumni and friends
Consider calling yourselves WASPs or Mercedes Benz.

Whatever your mascot be, Cardinal, Indians or tree

The Brotherhood of ZAG is more virtuous than thee.

To you who dare to consider yourselves "Harvard of the West"

We at Gonzaga would retort instead, "…Stanford delenda est."

"Stanford delenda est" is Latin to say,

"Stanford must be destroyed" and without delay,

As the poet once said, to one and to all,

"After too much pride goeth a great fall."

© Silicon Zag 2002


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