On Campus: Football Withdrawls? Listen to CN

Are you are starting to experience the extreme side-effects of college football withdrawal? It has been over seven months since Iowa State trotted off the Reliant Stadium field and August 31 can't get here soon enough. I am starting to feel like John Daly after three holes without his Marlboros and Diet Coke. The shakes are taking hold of me and I can hardly concentrate due to this addiction.

I'm geeking out more than Jose Canseco without his juice. But, to save myself and others from going off the deep end, I have devised a six step program to get you through the roughest of times. Please let all of those suffering through this awful withdrawal get this valuable information. Follow these steps and you might survive the final 29 days.   

 

1. Watch old tapes of games past. And believe me it's much more interesting the further you go back in time. For instance, the other day I threw in a tape from 1994 and saw the phenomenon that was the Geoff Turner show. You remember Geoff, the Tim Dwight look-a-like from Urbandale with just a shade less ability. That dude was fun to watch. You will also stumble across some all-time great Cyclone names like Ryan Sloth, Chin Achebe, and Ab Turner. Oh, and who can forget David "I have more letters in my name than career catches" Banks-Bursey. I loved that guy.   

 

2. Find 11 friends and practice running Iowa State's spread two minute offense. Some qualifiers for this one: 1. Whoever volunteers to be Todd Blythe is required to wear socks that don't match the rest of his or her outfit 2. Stevie Hicks' mimic must either be rockin' the Stevie dreads or they are obligated to wear a mop atop their dome. Rules are rules. And one last thing, find a neighbor (preferably in their ‘60s or ‘70s) to boo and yell negative things whenever a shotgun draw is called. We are striving for realism here.

 

3. Have your spouse quiz you on names and numbers of the current group of Cyclones. This must be done in rapid fire fashion, a la flashcards used by elementary school kids.  They flash the number 7 and you immediately say…..______" and ________" Remember the dual numbers, they'll trip you up quicker than a Cubs sweep of the Cardinals.

 

4. Practice and recite your comebacks for the week of the Iowa game. It is better to be prepared than to be caught off guard. Hot topics are sure to include Jason Berryman, field goal kickers, and the Houston Bowl. You know its coming, so fire back. Some sure-fire go to liners to utilize this fall: "Hey, did you know the last time Iowa scored a TD against ISU, John Kerry was the leader in the presidential race," and "That's funny, Kirk Ferentz has more losses to Iowa State than Pierre Pierce has arrests." But my personal favorite, "Will Drew Tate intentionally concuss himself again to avoid another humiliating loss? This time I bet he gets a spearing penalty." It never gets old. And they will inevitably come back with a "Screw you, we have neater colors and Tate is gooder than that Brant Meyers." Poor grammar included. I love Iowa fans.

 

5. Get out the tailgating gear. And for you old-timers, find some college-aged guys and have them teach you the basics of beer pong and flippy cup. Trust me, these two games will change the entire complexion of your tailgating experience. Come the Toledo game, feel free to jump in and compete with the college kids in these various tailgating tests of skill. You won't regret it. We love seeing the veteran crowd's tailgating tenacity. Plus you can feel like you are 20 again and maybe chat with a co-ed or two. If that doesn't strike your fancy, grilling out and playing the always solid ‘bag toss is always acceptable.

 

6. Get hotel reservations in Kansas City and Phoenix. Hey, it never hurts to be prepared.      

 

We've made it through seven months of football withdrawal, only one more to go. Bring on Toledo!


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