Are you are starting to experience the extreme side-effects of college football withdrawal? It has been over seven months since Iowa State trotted off the Reliant Stadium field and August 31 can't get here soon enough. I am starting to feel like John Daly after three holes without his Marlboros and Diet Coke. The shakes are taking hold of me and I can hardly concentrate due to this addiction.
I'm geeking out more than Jose
Canseco without his juice. But, to save myself and others from going off the
deep end, I have devised a six step program to get you through the roughest of
times. Please let all of those suffering through this awful withdrawal get this
valuable information. Follow these steps and you might survive the final 29
1. Watch old tapes of games past.
And believe me it's much more interesting the further you go back in time. For
instance, the other day I threw in a tape from 1994 and saw the phenomenon that
was the Geoff Turner show. You remember Geoff, the Tim Dwight look-a-like from
just a shade less ability. That dude was fun to watch. You will also stumble
across some all-time great Cyclone names like Ryan Sloth, Chin Achebe, and Ab
Turner. Oh, and who can forget David "I have more letters in my name than career
catches" Banks-Bursey. I loved that guy.
2. Find 11 friends and practice
State's spread two minute
offense. Some qualifiers for this one: 1. Whoever volunteers to be Todd Blythe
is required to wear socks that don't match the rest of his or her outfit 2.
Stevie Hicks' mimic must either be rockin' the Stevie dreads or they are
obligated to wear a mop atop their dome. Rules are rules. And one last thing,
find a neighbor (preferably in their ‘60s or ‘70s) to boo and yell negative
things whenever a shotgun draw is called. We are striving for realism
3. Have your spouse quiz you on
names and numbers of the current group of Cyclones. This must be done in rapid
fire fashion, a la flashcards used by elementary school kids. They flash the number 7 and you
immediately say…..______" and ________" Remember the dual numbers, they'll trip
you up quicker than a Cubs sweep of the Cardinals.
4. Practice and recite your
comebacks for the week of the Iowa game. It is better to be prepared than to
be caught off guard. Hot topics are sure to include Jason Berryman, field goal
kickers, and the Houston Bowl. You know its coming, so fire back. Some sure-fire
go to liners to utilize this fall: "Hey, did you know the last time Iowa scored a TD against ISU, John Kerry was the leader in
the presidential race," and "That's funny, Kirk Ferentz has more losses to
State than Pierre Pierce
has arrests." But my personal favorite, "Will Drew Tate intentionally concuss
himself again to avoid another humiliating loss? This time I bet he gets a
spearing penalty." It never gets old. And they will inevitably come back with a
"Screw you, we have neater colors and Tate is gooder than that Brant Meyers."
Poor grammar included. I love Iowa fans.
5. Get out the tailgating gear.
And for you old-timers, find some college-aged guys and have them teach you the
basics of beer pong and flippy cup. Trust me, these two games will change the
entire complexion of your tailgating experience. Come the Toledo game, feel free to
jump in and compete with the college kids in these various tailgating tests of
skill. You won't regret it. We love seeing the veteran crowd's tailgating
tenacity. Plus you can feel like you are 20 again and maybe chat with a co-ed or
two. If that doesn't strike your fancy, grilling out and playing the always
solid ‘bag toss is always acceptable.
6. Get hotel reservations in
Kansas City and Phoenix. Hey, it never hurts to be
We've made it through seven months
of football withdrawal, only one more to go. Bring on Toledo!