On Campus: The Real Coaching List

There are plenty of other folks on this site that are more qualified than yours truly to analyze and peal apart the layers of this coaching search. More than anything, this ordeal just gives me a headache. One minute Jim Harbaugh appears to be the chosen one and the next Jay Norvell is destined to be the guy because some well-connected dentist said so.

It reminds me of a CSI show. And not that CSI: New York crap, I'm talking good ole' Gil Grissom and his crack Las Vegas crew. Grissom never convicts the first person that he questions. Nobody really knows "who dun' it" until only a few minutes remain in the show. Same thing can be said for this coaching search. Sure, some seem to have a good feel one way or the other, but only Jamie Pollard really knows. I can see JP sitting in his office with his right-hand man Steve Malchow sipping on some beverages and cackling as they read the message boards and listen to talk radio:

 

JP: "Hey Steve, Tirell thinks it's going to be Norvell. Apparently we offered him the job after our interview in Dallas."    

SM (rolling over in laughter): "What?!! Let me guess… we interviewed him on the Grassy Knoll!!!

JP: (banging head on desk) "Oh, Malchy…little do they know."

 

In time, we will all find out. But since everyone else is throwing names out like P Diddy throws out hundred dollar bills, here are a few other colorful names that JP and Malchy should consider. All of these folks dominated their respective fields in recent weeks and are the hottest names on the planet.

 

Emmitt Smith: Yes, one of you reading this watched "Dancing with the Stars." And by one of you, I mean most of you. Don't lie to yourself, it's okay. If the NFL's all time leading rusher can win a dance competition, then darn it if he can't lead ISU to prominence. His upset of Mario Lopez would be the equivalent of a Cyclone Big 12 Championship. Nobody saw it coming.

 

Jay-Z: He would give Iowa State some instant street cred. And goodness knows, that is exactly what Ames, Iowa needs. Plus, the uniforms would be designed by the Rocawear clothing line. They would make the extravagant Oregon uniform's look like Notre Dame's. You would be amazed at the recruiting potential of an exotic uniform.   

 

Kramer the Seinfeld guy: Sorry, strike his name from the list. As of Monday he has been eliminated from the search. Mel Gibson also need not apply.

 

Barack Obama: Oprah would instantly be a huge fan. And when you have that kind of dough coming into the program it can only be a positive. Obama's smash-mouth defensive schemes would immediately be referred to as the "Barack Wall."

 

Katie Holmes: Tom Cruise's new bride would be good puppet for Jamie Pollard. She already caves to everything Tom tells her to do. JP could be the real coach and have Holmes as the figurehead. I wouldn't mind going to press conferences anymore to ask her a few hard-hitting questions. Additionally, Tom Cruise could teach us all the finer points of the spread offense. He's crazier than Mike Leach; just think of the possibilities.

 

Nancy Pelosi: I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Moving on.

 

Alfonso Soriano: Soriono could give the Cyclones more offense than they would know what to do with. But when it comes to defense, he'd rather stare off into the Reiman Gardens. ISU could become the Grinnell College of College Football. If they don't get a turnover on the first play of the opponent's drive, let them score and get the ball back. The amount of points and NCAA records accumulated would be breathtaking. He could hire fellow offensive gurus/defensive liabilities Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Wayne Morgan, and Shawn Taggart.

 

Wayne Morgan: Speaking of Wayne, he's still around the area. Sometimes the best coaches are right under your nose. 

 

Kaite Couric: She gave hard-hitting news a softer side. Imagine the amount of influence she could have on Ace Bowen and Tyrone McKenzie. They would be entirely new people. We all need a little more Couric in our lives.

 

Mike Ditka: I have actually heard that some people believe Ditka is a real candidate. This couldn't be more hilarious. Just think of the millions of conversations in the Jack Trice lots if he was the coach. Inevitably they'd go like this:

 

"Hawks 13; Ditka's Cyclones 127."

 

"No, No, No, Ditka  876; Hawks –29."

 

"Mini-Ditka's win by forfeit after Ferentz afraid of the wrath of DIT-KA and pulls the team bus over at the Newton rest stop."

 

You know the drill.

 

Whoever Jamie Pollard chooses as the next coach, I will be behind 100 percent. That is until he hires Donald Rumsfeld as defensive coordinator. (I couldn't just pick on the Democrats. That wouldn't be fair and balanced.)

 

Have a great Thanksgiving.

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