Going Gonzo with Wolfgang

Honey Do's, Honey Dont's and what we don't speak of at Kinnick...a different look at Hawkeye athletics from Wolfgang.

If Men are from Mars then women are from a planet that doesn't understand that it's a man's job on the Saturdays and Sundays of football season to sit on the couch the entire day and watch football. It seems that every single year I have to retrain/brainwash my wife to this little nugget of truth. "Are you gonna sit there the entire day and watch football," she says to me with disbelief, as though this is some new behavior of mine that she has never before seen.

"No, I plan on going to the bathroom in another hour," I tell her. Am I the only one that has seriously contemplated buying Depends Undergarments to remedy that whole full bladder thing that seems to get in the way of my viewing pleasure on every crucial third down play? My poor wife has actually looked into a patent for a human sized spatula that she could use to scrape me off the couch every few hours so I don't leave a Levi's indentation from my heiney on the couch. For you metrosexuals out there, yes, I still wear Levis.

As a man who is a football fan can I ask one thing? Why is it that chores around the house always have to be done during the most IMPORTANT games? Is there any other type of game by the way? These chores couldn't have been done on Thursday night while watching the Trading Spaces four-hour marathon on television?

Honey-Do lists don't exist to me during football season. That's right I said it! Can I get an AMEN!? How did females corner the market on honey-do lists? Fellas, can you imagine if we gave our wives honey-do lists? #1. Make sure my beer is at least half-full every commercial break. #2. Plenty of hot-wings, pizza and homemade salsa available for the guys during games. #3. Full body massages at the halftime of every game, because lying on the couch for that extended period of time can wreak havoc on one's back!

Now the Honey-Don't list. #1. Don't speak unless spoken to. #2. Don't walk in front of the television. #3. Don't kill me for writing this honey!! (Special thanks to my wife for letting me use her as a PROP in the above paragraph. PURE FICTION. ;)

GUIDELINES FOR A SUCCESSFUL DAY IN KINNICK

There are two eternal truths when attending football games at Kinnick. Numero uno is don't break the seal. If you say to yourself ‘I have to take a leak', that's not the time to experience the porta-potty. If you say to yourself I feel like my bladder is gonna burst…wait 30 more minutes and then make the roadie to the kybo. If this truth is not followed you will spend five times as much time at the urinal than you would have had you followed my sage advice. I can't explain it; I just know it as truth.

The porta-potty predicament is not one for the weak, or anyone with functioning nostrils. Fellas you wanna be your girl's hero? Pack a twelve-roll of toilet paper in the trunk for your little lady and she won't be able to thank you enough! You could buy your wife the most expensive jewelry in the world and she wouldn't be nearly as appreciative as if you remembered toilet paper for the porta-potty experience. Burgers, brats and beer make for an extremely interesting, potent and lethal concoction in one's tummy. I've probably killed an entire forest worth of trees with just my toilet paper purchases for tailgating alone.

Now for eternal truth number two. Never tailgate and/or eat 48 hours before an Iowa football game until every single dollar of that 90 million-dollar renovation to Kinnick has been spent. The only thing worse than doing your business in a porta-potty is doing your business in the restrooms at Kinnick.

Using the restrooms at Kinnick is like going back in time a hundred years. A time in history when it did not bother people to drop a deuce in front of complete strangers. Did that time ever exist by the way? It's beyond comprehension to me that last year, 2004, bathroom stalls in Kinnick did not have doors on them.

Sitting on the toilet with…with…well, let's just say with irritated bowels? Will that pass the censors? Sitting on the toilet with irritated bowels while a standing room only crowd of people is lined up four deep gazing at me eye to eye is a hell I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Talk about performance anxiety! Those of you that have experienced this know that you're never quite the same after it happens...a loss of innocence if you will. I can't look people in the eye anymore. I don't hold my head as high as I once did. Food tastes different. Music sounds different.

As a fan that has attended almost every home game since I was six years old, I can actually say that I got comfortable with the notion of 'Taking Care of Business' in front of complete strangers. I've gotten to the point now where if I'm out at a restaurant and have to do the dirty deed, I actually leave the door to the stall wide open in honor of Kinnick. It just doesn't feel like you're doing something important unless you're doing it in front of an audience. And I have Kinnick to thank for that.

Kinnick may be getting a Joan Rivers-like 90 million dollar face lift that will make it the talk of the college football world…but I'll always have fond memories of the way things were. Back in the good ‘ole days when the restrooms were a bonding experience meant to be shared by all.

Wolfgang is a regular caller to Iowa Hawkeye related sports talk radio call in shows as well as a member of the HawkeyeNation.com community. Wolfgang will be submitting his thoughts, opinions and satire during the 2005 Iowa football season. The opinions he expresses are his and not necessarily those of the HawkeyeNation.com staff...except when we agree.


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