Going Gonzo with Wolfgang

Going Gonzo with Wolfgang

We all knew that the " Fighting David Letterman's" from Ball State University weren't going to be able to put up much of a fight against our beloved Hawkeyes. I think at one point I saw smoke coming from the new scoreboard right about where it showed Iowa's score of 56. Must have overheated from overuse. The greatest "Stupid Human Trick" of all time would have been if "David Letterman University" could have kept the point differential less than fifty points. An even better stupid human trick than the one lady that could make her eyes BUG out of her sockets about eight inches beyond her beak. Still have nightmares on that one.

The casual Hawkeye fan might say "if I'm gonna throw down a Ulysses S Grant fifty dollar bill for a game against Ball State, Mr. Ball State alum himself David Letterman oughtta be suited up and playing quarterback." You might be on to something there! Let's see, who could play for the Hawkeyes? How bout taking advantage of Tom Arnold's girth by putting him at center on the offensive line. Tom Arnold's ex wife Roseanne Barr could sing/butcher the national anthem. Tom Brokaw had a cup of coffee at Iowa. I think Brokaw's presence, leadership, and wisdom would be a real asset at quarterback. Ashton Kutcher's a real over achiever if you know what I'm sayin. Ashton's quickness and vision would help him "punk" potential tacklers at running back. Ashton's girl-mom-friend G.I Jane could play WHATEVER and WHENEVER she wanted. Brandon Routhe, who is the new Superman, could take on any team by himself. That is unless you've got kryptonite, which I'm guessing Ball State wouldn't. Upon further review the score of the celebrity powder puff game would have been very comparable to the score we saw Saturday.

In honor of David Letterman and Tom Arnold I thought I'd throw out a Top 10 list. Top 10 "True Lies" told about the upcoming Iowa-Iowa State football rivalry.

10. ISU's home field advantage is a huge factor in the outcome of this game. False: The home field advantage has meant next to nothing in this series over the years. The best team has won this game over the years. That is, except for 2002 when Freddie Russell got hurt in the second half and Brad Banks hurt his hand, leading him to fumble away the ball to the Clones.

9. Iowa won't have much of a problem with the Clones on Saturday. False: Don't get SUCKERED in with what you saw from ISU on Saturday. They were clearly looking past that game and showed no emotion or intensity on the field. That won't be the case on Saturday! McCarney gets these guys higher than a kite for the Iowa game. If McCarney could get his team to play with as much energy and passion against the Big 12 as he does Iowa, they'd be a perennial top 25 team.

8. The 56 Iowa put on Ball State means nothing. False: I know it was Ball State, but it was still good to see how crisp the Iowa offense was executed. The Clone fans have been spinning all week telling us how much better Illinois State is than Ball State and how the 56 points mean nothing. I was waiting for the Clone fans at one point to say "well, 56 is all right but if you convert that to Celsius it's only 13. If you take the 32 ISU put on the board and covert that to DOG it's (32x7)= 224. This is ISU math. ISU-224, Iowa-13 Don't you love rivalry week!

7. Todd Blythe won't be a problem for the Iowa secondary. False: He's big, tall, fast and strong; and unfortunately he made the mistake of signing with ISU over Iowa. It's imperative that our corners slow down and contain Blythe. Jovon will be in position to make the play, but the eight inches he's giving up to Blythe may be too much. I'd go 500 ball if I were ISU.

6. Iowa "showing" nothing before their game with ISU is a good thing. False: I don't believe Iowa will be able to run the ball at a good enough rate against ISU. Having Tate out of the game by the middle of the second quarter was not a good thing. Tate will be the one that has to be the M.V.P if Iowa is to win this game. I would have liked to see Tate get more reps on Saturday to solidify his timing and accuracy. So what if we "show" ISU some things. How'd that work for LSU?

5. Iowa will rack up yards on the ground against ISU's defensive line. False: Yes, Iowa's offensive line is better than last year. Yes, we actually have a running back with functioning anterior cruciate ligaments. But ISU's defensive line is very good and yards will be hard to come by.

4. Both Iowa and ISU treat this game the same way. False: Kirk believes in one game at a time and that one win does not count as anymore important as any other game. McCarney may say that it's just another game but don't buy it. Dan has these guys breathing fire come game day against Iowa. There is no other game ISU fans, coaches, and players would rather win on their schedule than the Iowa game. Hi, I'm Captain Obvious, nice to meet you.

3. Iowa fans want to win the ISU game more than any other game. False: Iowa fans would rather get a Big 10 win against the likes of Ohio State, Purdue, Wisconsin or Michigan, but I will say this: There's no game on the schedule I'd hate to lose more than ISU.

2. Having Iowa-ISU "wear your team colors to work day" is a great idea. False: I for one am not responsible for what I may say to some supposed fan who only gives a damn about what his team does on one game out of the year. Have you ever tried having a conversation with one of these people? Trust me, never try having a conversation with one of these people. You'll never win an argument with a stupid person.

1. Expect to collect all of the money you wagered with co-workers on the big game Monday morning. False: Forget about ever collecting the money. Just enjoy the fact that their entire day has been devoted to the mission of avoiding you. Their whole day revolves around sneaking around work with the sole goal being no face to face encounters. Oh, by the way if Iowa were to somehow lose this game and you have to pay up: Be a man and write out a check for them. But remember to write on the check where it says MEMO:{ FOR DEEP TISSUE-SENSUAL MASSAGE.} I promise you they'll never cash that check!!

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