Going Gonzo with Wolfgang

Our friend Wolfgang takes on a 'big problem.

Section U is the greatest. Section U is the worst. Section U is the greatest and worst at the same time. If one was to profile a Section U Hawkeye fan this is what you'd get. Young, passionate, loud, disrespectful, drunk, happy, belligerent, fun, confrontational, knowledgeable, scantily dressed, and Big Boned with capital B's.

Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, Slim Fast…these are all words that don't exist in the vernacular for men in Section U, and God bless ‘em for it. Large and in charge baby! This describes the men in Section U. Scantily dressed is what describes the women.

If one of these men from Section U were following the Weight Watchers point system it would take an extremely high-powered calculator to compute the outrageously high number. These men look at Kobioshi as an amateur, lightweight, hack. These are the men you see gnawing on a turkey leg outside of Kinnick in their elastic pants and using the tank top they're wearing as more of a bib/napkin than article of clothing.

Supposedly following this year The University of Iowa is going to widen the seats in Kinnick Stadium to fit the body type norm of today. All I know is that we have three or four guys in our row that are pushing four bills and anytime they sit down I feel like I'm on a teeter totter. For the UNI game my wife spent the majority of the game on my lap. Aren't lap dances illegal in half the states? Football and lap dances…why are you complaining you might ask.

My worst experience with a large person actually didn't even take place at Kinnick, but Carver where there are individual seats for people. How this big guy got his backside in the seat at Carver was beyond me. If he had broken wind it would have caused an international incident. It was like pouring 25 gallons of gas into a 20-gallon tank. This guy was so snuggly fit into the seat that his blubber-flab was spilling out over the armrest into my lap and my leg went NUMB. The circulation in my leg was so restricted that it not only went to sleep; but it went into hibernation. When the circulation finally returned after a day or two I had to reintroduce my leg to rest of my body. I should not have to go through this drama attending an Iowa Hawkeye sporting event! Should I?

What's your solution you ask? I don't know? Should big people have to pay more because they take up more space? And if so should taller people have to pay more because they restrict the view of people behind them? For me, I'm not afraid of heights, but widths. Should people with beehives or Afros pay more for a seat just like tall people? I don't know. I don't know! All I know is that if I throw down 60 dollars for a ticket, I want 60 dollars worth of seat space. Not 30 dollars worth of seat space, or one cheek like I'm getting now. My wife's only 120 pounds but it's not easy for me supporting her weight on one biscuit. My hamstrings are so tight by the end of the football game you could strum them and get a similar sound to a Stratocaster guitar.

Chris Doyle does such an outstanding job of training our football players that I think it's time to take his talents to the people. (Or Section U) Doyle could come out at half time during "Hey Jude" and give the fans a "taste" of what the players go through every workout and practice. - Taste may not be the best word of choice in this instance. It's one thing to whip a TE into a LT, but it's a whole other thing to whip a Section U couch potato into a well-fit human being. How much would "the lisp" himself, Richard Simmons, cost to bring to a half time show. Sweatin' To The Oldies would be a half time show I'd never forget. You'd never forget. The whole world would never forget the Dick Simmons half time show.

I AM sensitive to the feelings of the big boned. Some of my best friends are big boned. I roomed with a guy for 2 years that was pushing the 360-pound range. During that time he ate approximately the same amount of food/garbage that I did, yet he weighed approximately 175 more pounds than I did. Maybe it is in the genes/jeans…literally. Although I will admit, while I was out at the gym playing basketball and boxing, he was at home sleeping or playing video games. I'm guessing many calories aren't being burnt playing Tecmo Bowl and snoring. His motto was eat right, exercise everyday, die anyway!!

It's just not fair to the rest of us that perfectly fit into our allotted seat space to have some hulking mammoth of a human being intruding on our paid-for personal space. For those of you that are pushing four bills and the integral reason for that is genetics, I apologize. But there are many of you out there at Olive Court eating 4 brats and 7-8 chilidogs a sitting. I don't look at these people as big boned but as WMD's…especially after the chilidogs.

I'm just not sure widening the seat space a couple inches is going to make that much difference in my game day experience. You'd think with a 90 million-dollar renovation that they could get each season ticket holder a lazy boy recliner to make the game day experience that much better.

The airline industry, also, has been struggling with what to do with large people. Should they pay for two seats? Should there be a section specifically set aside for big mamas and papas? Should there be a limit on the number of honey roasted peanuts a person can demand? At least at football games if I'm miserably uncomfortable I can get up and leave. If I'm miserably uncomfortable on an airplane I'm kind of stuck, unless I remembered to pack a parachute.


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