Going Gonzo with Wolfgang

Wolfgang is back and he talks about engine troubles related to Iowa as well as Prof. Pink

"Service Engine Soon" is the obscenity that lit up like Las Vegas on the dashboard of my vehicle on my way to a sports bar to watch the Iowa-Ohio State game. Not exactly an omen of good things to come for the game. Maybe my gas cap isn't on tight enough. Or maybe like the last time this happened, the only thing wrong with my vehicle is the SENSOR that's telling me that something's wrong with my vehicle. Maybe there needs to be a back up sensor that tells me the only thing wrong with my vehicle is the SENSOR that's telling me there's something wrong with my vehicle. I'm getting dizzy!

We got our chassis kicked against Ohio State and there were plenty of sensors lit up after that loss. Tightening the gas cap a little was good enough to get us past Illinois, but a major overhauling needs to be done if we want to get more yards per gallon down the road against stiffer competition. The problem with this team right now is the engine, our offensive and defensive lines. The offensive line is the thing that makes the offense go and the defensive line is the thing that makes the defense go. The offensive line has been flat out offensive…to watch, for most of this season. The overhauling may have already started on the offensive line with a few of the starters lining up in different positions against Illinois. Our offensive line wasn't that good last year yet we were still able to put up some pretty decent numbers. Personally I think our offensive coordinator needs to contact ONSTAR to see what the best direction is for our offense to take in order to end up at a destination like Florida for a bowl game. It's time to open up the offense because we can no longer rely on a great defense led by Roth and Babineaux. Three words for you. Those guys are gone!

Ohio State fans told us that we were in trouble this year because of the defections we had on our defensive line. We did our best impersonation of Helen Keller and acted as if we didn't hear them. Deaf, dumb and blind is sometimes the best medicine for a fan and I was taking it intravenously this off-season. Ohio State went through the same thing a year ago and it took them quite awhile to get on track. Tressel finally took the leash off the OSU offense and they started playing like a pit bull instead of a puppy dog. The defensive line slowly started to come together as they got more experience and the turnaround was complete. Hopefully we'll do some plagiarizing and rip a page from Tressel's book and find the same success.

The last 3-4 years the Hawkeye's have been the bullies of the Big 10. The team that smacked you in the mouth and then licked the blood off your mouth. We still taste the blood but that's because it's our blood and running down our face. I'll never forget Bob Sanders during the Michigan game hitting one of their wide receivers on the sideline so hard it looked like the guy was going to vomit. The look on the faces of the Michigan players was priceless. If the Michigan sideline would have been a comic strip it would have said, "I think I'm going to wet myself," above their pictures after that hit.

Let's be honest. Expectations this year were outta whack…outta whack like Joe Theisman's leg on Monday Night Football after Lawrence Taylor greeted him like a locomotive. They say if you don't like the weather in Iowa wait a day and it'll change. I think the same can be said about Iowa football. Incredible sunny days are in Iowa's future, how soon that future will be is the question.

The Purdue game is absolutely huge to both teams. If Iowa can find a way to win that game the rest of the season begins to look doable. Michigan would be Iowa's next tough game and that would be in Kinnick with a crazy sell-out crowd yelling their brains out. Iowa has deemed it "Blackout Saturday" and they want everyone to wear black to the stadium. Note to "The Nutty Professor "…Professor Pink. "Blackout Saturday" does not mean the University of Iowa will not be letting African Americans into the Michigan game. Now that would be something to protest!

I'm all for free speech; that is until I read Professor Pink's statements about the locker room. That's free speech I think you should have to pay for…with your job via "pink" slip. Hawkeye fans had to hear all week from the national media outlets how "we" had nothing better to do with our time than think about corn and the color schemes of a locker room. Define "we" for me will you please. I've heard from people all week that Iowa City people think like that. I went to Iowa and I don't think like that. I've heard all week how that's those damn crazy liberals in Iowa City. I'm not bright enough to get into a discussion on politics, but I'm guessing Professor Pink's beliefs are not a part of any platform for either the Democrats or Republicans. If they are maybe it's time to make the U.S.A a one party system. Maybe I'm wrong and the liberals agree with the "Nutty Professor," but I don't think so.

Since Professor Pink can't think of anything else better to do with her time, I thought I'd help her out with my CRAZY 8's LIST. 8 Things Professor Pink Could Have Spent Her Time More Wisely On:

#8. Start an Ed Hightower fan club.
#7. Boycott Iowa football games because of the song "In Heaven There is No Beer." After all it promotes alcoholism.
#6. Listen to a Bacon Brothers CD. Kevin is an absolute genius. If only I could get 6 degrees of separation from that CD.
#5. Debate the plusses and minuses of painting the water tower black n gold.
#4. Watch Oprah and eat fingernails.
#3. Debate why it's termed policeman and fireman instead of police-people or fire-people.
#2. Take a swim in a porta-potty at Olive Court.
#1. Attend a Kirk Ferentz press conference wearing a straw hat with a diagram of the perfect pass play that is unstoppable.


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