Have you ever awakened in the middle of the night thinking about a question that you couldn't answer? That was my problem last night. My beloved Hawks are playing the Zips in the first game of the season next Saturday at Kinnick Stadium. Since my knowledge of Akron is minimal, I wanted to learn what is a Zip?
First, I consulted my Webster. Here are the meanings I found for a Zip:
1. A quantity of no importance 2. A pathetic goose egg 3. A fastener for locking together two toothed edges by means of a sliding tab. 4. A hissing or sibilant sound such as that made by a flying bullet. 5. A type of file for your PC
Those meanings didn't seem to make much sense to me in relation to a football team. Therefore, I began to think about what I thought of the word, Zip. What does it mean to me? How would I use it in a sentence?
1. Musical - "Zippity Doo-Da Zippity Day" Since I can't sing, that one is O-U-T!
2. Political - "Zip me up, Scotty!" Just in case Akron is in the district of former Ohio Congressman, James Traficant. His trademark closing to speeches in the House was "Beam me up, Scotty." Nah.
3. Criminal - Zip gun. "Zip me up, Gotti!" Since Mafiosi John Gotti is now dead, this doesn't apply.
4. Sexual - "Zip me up, Hotty!" I really like this one. However, the odds of me ever being able to use this line on a luscious babe are, well, ...zip.
5. Journalistic - The one and only Jim Zabel, The Voice of the Hawkeye's for over 50 years. The 'Z', Zipperlip. Akron wouldn't name their team after him would they? Nada.
6. Flammable-Zippo - "Light my fire, Baby" is not only passé, smoking is bad for you. The Surgeon General tells you so. Nah.
7. Postal-Zip Code - Postal workers drive those funny Jeeps with the steering wheel on the wrong side. Could they mean, "Going Postal?" I don't think so.
The above didn't seem to satisfy me so I turned to the internet. The University of Akron website shows that the team mascot is a kangaroo. Yes, Shaina, that is a kangaroo. They even have a section called "From the Pouch"
I was stunned. Could the founder of the University of Akron be an Australian? I think I better do some more research on this. So, I went to my neighborhood adult beverage establishment so that I could ‘Zip' a few Foster's Lagers and learn Australian. You know, Australian for beer.
However, all this ‘research' got me was a hangover.
Therefore, the only way that I can find the answer is to go to Australia. I placed a quick call to Jim Heckman, CEO of TheInsiders.com network. "Boss", I said "Could I go to Australia on an expense account to find out Zip?" Ever the diplomat, Jim replied, "Your column is much ado about nothing. How much do you think that I will pay you for this column?" Zip? I replied. "Exactly", he said. "I have 100 college sites, 32 NFL sites, 10 National recruiting sites, and I am now adding statewide high school sites. And all you call me about Zip?", Jim added.
Since my fact-finding mission to Australia was summarily turned down, I have to think a little out of the box. Perhaps I will go to Blockbuster Video and rent a couple of "Crocodile Dundee" movies. Paul Hogan's character was really sharp and could provide the answer. I will report after viewing.
Until then, "G'Day, Mate!"