The Top 25: Survey says...

In today's post, I will be taking a look at the AP's preseason Top 25 college football poll and giving my two cents about whether the teams making up the list are ranked too high or too low for my liking. Or I will make some mildly humorous jokes about them. Or in some instances, I may go crazy and do both.

Hello. My name is Wes Deskins. Some of you may know me as local internet celebrity UnfrozenCatfanLawyer. When Jeff Drummond offered me one million dollars to write a blog for KentuckyScout, I told him, "Oh, Jeff - you don't have to pay me. I would do this for free!" So he said, "OK!" And I said, "Wait, I changed my mind and want the million dollars!" but he said, "Too late!" and cackled hysterically. So here we are.

In today's post, I will be taking a look at the AP's preseason Top 25 college football poll and giving my two cents about whether the teams making up the list are ranked too high or too low for my liking. Or I will make some mildly humorous jokes about them. Or in some instances, I may go crazy and do both. But not too often, because that is too much work.

1. USC: I can only assume that the sportswriters who voted the Trojans No. 1 wanted their inboxes to be flooded with "ROLL TIDE!" emails or death threats or what have you. Or maybe it's just boring picking an SEC team to win it all no matter how inevitable it might be. But still, I get the appeal. I read a story in SI about Trojan quarterback Matt Barkley and ended up really liking the kid. He's surrounded by a ton of offensive weapons, including Robert Woods and Marqise Lee - the best receiving tandem in the country. But then I remembered that Barkley plays for Lane Kiffin, and that Kiffin actually made me pity Tennessee fans once upon a time, which is unforgivable. SURVEY SAYS: TOO HIGH.

2. Alabama: This ranking may seem a little high to the untrained eye because the Tide lost seven defensive starters from one of the best defenses in college football history - including three taken in the first round of the NFL Draft. Plus, Trent Richardson is gone … and the kicker missed 78 field goals last year … and none of this will matter because Nick Saban is a cyborg built to run the football down your throat and ragdoll your offense. Turns out that if you recruit 5-star talent, develop and coach it better than anyone else, and dominate the line of scrimmage, you will win a few football games. Someone should have thought of this sooner. SURVEY SAYS: TOO LOW PAAAWWLLL IT'S Auburn'S FAULT ROLL TIDE.

3. LSU: I follow Les Miles' Twitter account, and he says stuff like this: "Long Term deal! Corn Flakes? Mike ,was it worth it?It hurt but I'll treat you the same,Saturdays!I 'll not forget!!" He really does. (I didn't change a single word or spacing decision in that post.) I love Les Miles and want him to be my Grandpa. Also, the Tigers dismissed defensive and special teams terror Tyrann "Honey Badger" Mathieu for what was probably some Corn Flake-related offense, but I'm sure LSU has some guy nicknamed the "Marmoset" or the "Cantankerous Hedgehog" who can run a 4.4 forty and bench press Claude Bassett lined up to replace him. They're annoying that way. SURVEY SAYS: CORN FLAKES?

4. Oklahoma: The Sooners scored a ton of points last season but gave up a ton as well. OU fans are hoping the latter will change with the return of Mike Stoops to the coaching staff, while the offense keeps humming along behind record-settting QB Landry Jones. But with OU plagued by injuries since reporting to camp, the margin for error in a suddenly-improved Big 12 might be slimmer than you'd think. Back in Barry Switzer's day, the Sooners would just go out and sign a few free agents to three-month contracts to address any injury concerns, but I'm pretty sure you can't do that anymore. SURVEY SAYS: REMEMBER WHEN BRIAN BOSWORTH GOT TRUCKED BY BO JACKSON?

5. Oregon: Chip Kelly has yet to decide who his starting QB will be - sophomore Bryan Bennett or redshirt freshmen Marcus Mariota. Having to choose between only two options is a welcome relief to Kelly, though, given that he has to sort through 5,892,741 potential uniform combinations every week. As usual, the Ducks' season will boil down to a November matchup against USC. A win there and Oregon could be looking at another national title game berth. Lord only knows what they would wear in that one. Probably a suit of armor made of highlighters. SURVEY SAYS: THIS LOOKS RIGHT.

6. Georgia: The Bulldogs lost stud running back Isaiah Crowell to that old malady "felony weapons charges" and will be without the services of multiple players in the first few games for lesser naughtiness. So, a pretty typical offseason in Athens. Fortunately for the Dawgs, the game against South Carolina has been moved to October, so they should be at full strength for the tilt between the top two contenders for the SEC East title. But if they pull a Grandpa Simpson and refuse to recognize Missourah in week two, it could be another season of "What if?" SURVEY SAYS: REMEMBER WHEN UGA TRIED TO BITE THAT AUBURN RECEIVER? WASN'T THAT HILARIOUS?

7. Florida State: Could this be the year that FSU regains its former glory, climbs to the top of a suspect ACC, and challenges for a national title behind a defense with athletes at every position? This sentence has been written every year since 2001. The answer is "No." Apologies to Peter Tom Willis. SURVEY SAYS: TOO DADGUM HIGH.

8. Meeeshigan: They have the best fight song and helmets. They also have (arguably) the best player in the country in dual-threat QB Denard Robinson, assuming, of course, that Nick Saborg decides to let him survive the Wolverines' week one matchup against Alabama. Think Saborg isn't planning some terrifying defensive scheme built around your untied shoelaces, Denard? FALSE. Otherwise, Michigan avoids Wisconsin and gets Michigan State at home, so a Big 10 title isn't out of the question. SURVEY SAYS: TEENSY BIT TOO HIGH, BUT I'LL ALLOW IT.

9. South Carolina: Remember when Steve Spurrier was awesome and threw the football all over the place and inflicted untold psychological damage on his quarterbacks and Phillip Fulmer? Those were the days. Now the Ol' Ball Coach is fine with just running the football and relying on a stout defense. It breaks my heart. It really does. Reminds me of when McMurphy was lobotomized in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I just want to smother Spurrier's visor with a pillow, throw a Gatorade bucket through a window, and run back to 1996. SURVEY SAYS: ABOUT RIGHT - BUT AT WHAT COST???

10. Arkansas: The Hogs' offense will be top-notch once again even without the play-calling and electric personality of Bobby "Easy Rider" Petrino, but their season could hinge on a pre-game yodeling contest between new coach John L. Smith and Les Miles when they line up against LSU. Kentucky fans remember John L. from his days at Louisville and the parting shots he took at Cards fans as he left for Michigan State. Oddly enough, our perception of him changed for the better that very day. SURVEY SAYS: A WEEWEEWEE BIT INFERIOR TO BAMA AND LSU.

11. West Virginia: My brother once threw for over 8,000 yards in a season with Bubby Brister on "Super Tecmo Bowl." I think Dana Holgorsen grew up doing the same kind of thing and wanted to make it a reality. I'm not saying that Geno Smith will throw for 8,000 yards this season, but I'm not writing it off, especially since the ‘Neers now play in the defense-optional Big 12. Also, "dana holgorsen likes to party" produces 233,000 results on Google, while "dana holgorsen defense" produces only 112,000. What I'm getting at is that the SEC REALLY dropped the ball not inviting WVU to join. SURVEY SAYS: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, BRO!!!!!!

12. Wisconsin: I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the Badgers will rely on a stud running back and an offensive line fed a steady diet of cheese and blocking sled. It ain't sexy, but it's good enough to win the Big 10 title. I can't think of anything else. Man, is this team unsexy. SURVEY SAYS: TOO LOW BUT YOU SHOULD CHICKEN DANCE ANYWAY.

13. Michigan State: The experts claim that the Spartans have an SEC-caliber defense, but that sounds like crazy propaganda to me. But then I remembered that Saborg used to coach there and probably left some spare parts lying around, so I can't entirely discount the argument. If MSU gets good QB play from new starter Andrew Maxwell and some receiving threats emerge, the pieces are there for a Big 10 title. SURVEY SAYS: ABOUT RIGHT.

14. Clemson: It always seems like Clemson should be better than they are. That's the first thing that comes to mind when I think about them. Besides the rock. They'll likely have one of the best offenses in the country, but they'll still probably lose games they shouldn't even though they only have one really tough road contest at FSU. That's about all I have to say. You can't even write about Clemson without underachieving. SURVEY SAYS: MEH.

15. Texas: In a league where defense is a myth not unlike Bigfoot, the Longhorns are attempting to go back to basics by actually trying to stop teams from scoring points. Texas should be able to help its cause by controlling the clock with freshman running back Johnathan Gray, but will the QB play be good enough to help this wacky scheme succeed? Also, will Austin survive the arrival of Dana Holgorsen on October 6th? SURVEY SAYS: DEFENSE = POINTLESS FAD.

16. Virginia Tech: The Hokies have the best QB in the ACC in Logan Thomas and nine returning starters from one of the best defenses in the country. Tech lost a lot of players on offense, but this seems low. I'm guessing Frank Beamer doesn't mind the lack of attention. Or he could be full of bitter rage about it. One of the two. SURVEY SAYS: KEEP ON EYE ON THESE FELLAS.

17. Nebraska: I feel the same way about Nebraska that I feel about Steve Spurrier. Once upon a time, the Cornhuskers vomited in terror at the thought of a forward pass and produced 17 1,000-yard rushers per season. Now, they're just kind of like everyone else. It's offensive. The triple-option still works, colsarn it. So quit screwing around and go hire Paul Johnson, Nebraska. I no longer want to live in a world where a Husker fullback doesn't slam into the line 80 plays a game. SURVEY SAYS: BITTER.

18. Ohio State: Ohio State's defense will be solid, as usual, but I can't buy this ranking given how trainwrecky the Buckeyes' offense was last season. Even at Florida, it took Urban Meyer's offense a season or two and a Tebow to really get going. But with Braxton Miller at QB, Meyer's "Urban renewal" in Columbus will happen sooner rather than later. Get it? "Urban renewal"? I have a college degree. SURVEY SAYS: TOO O-HIGH-O (SNICKER).

19. Oklahoma State: The Cowboys have decided to go with true freshman Wes Lunt as their starting QB. I have zero doubt that this kid will throw for eleventy billion yards this season. I also have zero doubt that I will say "I'M A MAN! I'M FORTY!" eleventy billion times when I turn forty. That's your legacy, Mike Gundy. Draw up all the pretty plays you want, but they'll never get 2.5 million views on Youtube. SURVEY SAYS: A BIT HIGH.

20. TCU: The Horned Frogs get welcomed to the Big 12 with conference road games at Oklahoma State, WVU, and Texas. So no biggie. I think TCU would be perennial national title contenders if they changed their name to the "Great Horny Toads" and put Yosemite Sam on their helmets, but Gary Patterson won't return my calls. No one does. SURVEY SAYS: ROOTINEST-TOOTINEST.

21. Stanford: Did you know that the Cardinal ran for over 210 yards per game last year even though No. 1 NFL draft pick Andrew Luck was their QB. It's true! Do I think they'll repeat that performance facing defenses geared up to stop the run since Luck isn't there anymore to keep defensive coordinators honest? I don't! But the Pac-12 is basically lukewarm hot dog water, so they should be fine. SURVEY SAYS: THE HISTORY OF THE STANFORD BAND IS HILARIOUS. YOU SHOULD READ UP ON IT.

22. Kansas State: Bill Snyder is a wizard or something. Kansas State won 10 games last year with an offense ranked 101st in the country and a defense ranked 72nd. This makes absolutely no sense. The Big 12 will be much tougher this year, but I suspect Snyder will consult with his old pal Dumbledore and come up with yet another season of Manhattan Magic! SURVEY SAYS: MAN, THAT WAS AWFUL. I APOLOGIZE.

23. Florida: Really? Huh. SURVEY SAYS: TOO HIGH.

24. Boise State: Despite losing 78 starters, including Kellen Moore - the winningest QB in college football history - Boise State once again finds itself ranked in the preseason Top 25. The sports media just can't quit you, Broncos. Expect Boise State to win a bunch of games again, which will lead to them being ranked in the top 5 next season and countless writers shaking their fists at us and calling us "poo-poo meanie-butts" for being skeptical about it. And then Boise will proceed to lose to Bovine University in November. SURVEY SAYS: YOUR HDTV IS NOT BROKEN.

25. Louisville: If the Pac-12 is "lukewarm hot dog water," then the Big East is "ice cold hot dog water only the hot dogs are those gross tofu kind and also there's a dead bug in the water." But someone has to get that BCS bid. I guess. I'm still pretty sure there's a way around that. The Cards host Kentucky in week one, and - per longstanding tradition - it will be 9000 degrees Celsius that day and dozens of people who should wear a shirt at all times will have theirs off. I also think that since its expansion Papa John's Cardinal Stadium resembles the Flintstones' car in the credits when Fred orders that set of ribs and it causes the car to tip over. Seriously, look at it. SURVEY SAYS: YABBA DABBA DOOOOOOOOGOCATS!!!

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