Five Reasons Cats will beat Cards

So you've studied the depth charts and all the matchups for the Governor's Cup? Throw it all away. Here are the "real" keys to the big game.

Today, we discuss why Kentucky will thump Louisville on Sunday in the battle for the Governor's Cup. Or at least keep it closer than the Vegas line of 14. Or something. Just keep reading. All will be revealed.

Reason No. 1: Talk is Cheap

Ever since the final whistle of last season's game, there has been a lot of "chirping" from Louisville and its fans, about their perceived dominance over all other in state teams. Pretty big talk for a team that has dropped four out of five against the Cats and is dodging the Hilltoppers of WKU. Trash talk came to a head, literally, after it was revealed that the urinals in Louisville's training facility had the UK emblem placed in their aim, to help get them in the right Louisville state of mind, I guess.

Regardless, UK's players have heard the talk, and are as motivated as ever coming in to the battle for the Governor's Cup. UK's recent addition of "Dirty Bird" Cardinal-themed toilet paper certainly hasn't hurt. (I'm not sure if they really added that, but now you've got the idea, Joker. Make it happen)

Reason No. 2: Not Your Ordinary Smith

Maxwell Smith is not your ordinary Smith. He's Max Smith. Maximum. Smith to the fullest. You don't get any more Smith than Max Smith. Knowing that by itself would have me all in for the season. Add that to the fact that he throws an accurate ball that receivers can actually catch, I get even more excited. Then I hear he's got "swag," and he made a 1480 on his SAT, and I get the feeling Joker Phillips has constructed the perfect Card destroyer out in California without anyone's knowing. Max Smith also worked with Erik (Brass) Kramer, who even led the Detroit Lions to a playoff win in the early 90s. That's all you need to know about Max Smith. You better get on board.

Reason No. 3: The Shadow of Gruenschlaeger

You may ask, how is this going to affect the game? Well simple, UK is going to throw 6-foot-11, 340-pound Jack "Sunset" Gruenschlaeger out there to block out the sun. The lights in Papa John's Stadium won't be on yet, and the shadow cast by Gruenschlaeger (just say that a few times fast, your tongue will love you for it) will wreak havoc on the Cards. The Cards are used to playing Friday night games, but Sunday afternoon games in the shadow of a mammoth human being? Not so much. Secret weapon advantage: Cats.

Reason No. 4: Rock Oliver's 10-Year Workout Plan

For years we have been hearing about the difference that Rock Oliver is going to make for the football team, and it finally comes to fruition this year. This year, the team is going to be faster, bigger, and stronger, kind of like the Six Million Dollar Man with each player cast in the role of Steve Austin. Louisville on the other hand? They don't have Rock Oliver. Advantage: the team that has Rock Oliver.

Here's to Bud Dupree doing a pseudo "stunner" on Teddy Bridgewater during the game. Oh wait, wrong Steve Austin… you get the point.

Reason No. 5: Bible Belt

There's a reason that UK returned so many tickets to UofL for the game; it happens to fall on a Sunday. While Louisville fans will be tailgating and taken to other acts of debauchery, the good people of the Commonwealth will be down at their local church, praying for divine intervention at 3:30 and promising to be back in their pews at 7:00 as long as they get a decisive victory by 6:45 pm. Then shall He hear from Heaven, and smite down the dirty birds with His Dyshawn Mobley fist of fury.

Outcome:

I think this is going to be a close one guys, all the way down to the wire. UK is going to take a late lead, and Teddy Bridgewater is going to start a march down the field towards the end zone. On the final play, Zeke Pike will come sprinting from his seat on the bench next to the tight end coach at Louisville and tackle Bridgewater as time expires. When asked after the game why he did it, Pike will say, "It just seemed like the thing to do at the time."

Pike will subsequently find his way to Western Kentucky, becoming the first former Auburn/Louisville player to be transfer to Western without playing a single down for either of his previous teams. He will become the team's holder, and will lead the team in fake field goal touchdown passes for a single season at two.

UK 24, UofL 20


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