Ahoy, weather fans! I have been told that football games will be played this Saturday. Join me as I write at you about a few SEC matchups in the first edition of "Hey, Here Are Some Words Regarding SEC Football Games."
1. Florida at Tennessee: Once upon a time, this rivalry was arguably the best in college football. During its heyday, Steve Spurrier delighted in tweaking the Vols with quotes like, "You can't spell ‘Citrus Bowl' without ‘UT,' " and, "You got Peyton Manning? Great. He will go 0-4 against me. Well, I've put in two hours of work today. I'm going to go play golf now." His counterpart, Phillip Fulmer, equally delighted in shaking his fist at Spurrier while sitting alone in the dark. It was wonderful. So it's nice to see UF/UT get back on the road to meaning something again. While Georgia and South Carolina likely remain the best two teams in the SEC East, this game once again feels kind of important.
With this said, let's turn it over to Stone Cold Steve Austin for further comment:
"It's appropriate that Tennessee's quarterback is named Bray because he looks like a jack*** to me!" (drinks 15 beers)
2. Idaho at LSU: Les Miles secretly thinks he will win all of the potatoes by defeating the Vandals. I have learned not to doubt him. Also, "Vandals" might be my favorite sports nickname. I was a bit disappointed, though, to learn from www.govandals.com ("The Official Website of Vandal Athletics") that the nickname was not officially a tribute to the East Germanic tribe that laid waste to Rome hundreds of years ago but was instead "earned nearly a century ago by a basketball team coached by Hec Edmundson, whose teams played defense with such intensity and ferocity that sports writers said they ‘vandalized' their opponents." That sounds vaguely illegal to me, but I'm pretty sure they hate government in Idaho and don't have any laws there.
Then I read Wikipedia and learned that the characterization of Vandals as "barbarians" by Renaissance writers "led to the use of the term ‘vandalism' to describe any senseless destruction, particularly the ‘barbarian' defacing of artworks." So the "Circle of Life," or whatever. Idaho can say whatever it wants, but the nickname "Vandals" is a tribute to smelly, violent, art-defacing barbarians as far as I'm concerned. Also, they play in a giant barn. None of this will help the Vandals on Saturday as Miles - a noted collector of "sad clown" portraits - will punish them for their transgressions against the arts. "We didn't sack Rome and destroy all the paintings! That happened hundreds of years ago!" they will say. But he will not listen.
3. Alabama at Arkansas: Hey, this matchup looked AWESOME a week ago! Now, though, the Hogs look like they'll be just another victim of the Saborg - especially since star QB Tyler Wilson is out for the game with a head injury. So basically you've got John L. Smith (no head injuries ... allegedly) and a backup quarterback trying to figure out how to deal with the Crimson Tide defense. Can't see any cause for concern there! I would suggest that maybe Saborg will take pity on Arkansas, but one must be capable of emotion and empathy to feel pity. So that's out.
4. Presbyterian at Vanderbilt: I don't know anything about Presbyterian College, so I looked them up. Their nickname is the "Blue Hose." Their mascot is a Scotsman who wears a kilt and blue stockings. Feel free to come up with your own jokes about these facts. According to Wikipedia, Presbyterian "is also home to Cyrus, the largest bronze statue of a Scotsman in the world." Does Scotland know this? And if they do, are they ashamed about it? They should be. And exactly how many bronze statutes of Scotsmen are there, actually? Do we really know if the one at Presbyterian College is the largest, and if so, how? Is this distinction based on height or girth? Was there a contest? What about gold or silver statues of Scotsmen? Do these exist? You've given me a lot of questions to ponder, Presbyterian College. A lot of stupid, pointless questions.
5. Western Kentucky at Kentucky: Growing up as a child of the ‘80s, I was - like every other boy my age - obsessed with Transformers. But some of you may remember that around the same time Transformers debuted, another brand of robots appeared that could transform into cars and boxes and harmonicas and such. They were called Gobots and they were terrible. There were few things sadder than witnessing some poor boy - whose parents clearly hated him - try to impress his friends at school with his new "Craptimus Prime" Gobot while they were playing with their Transformers. "Look, fellows - my robotic doll ‘transforms,' as well," he would say. And technically he was right, I suppose. But the savage beatings he sustained afterwards were proof that being "technically right" isn't necessarily a good thing.
The point of all of this is that I think WKU's mascot looks like a Gobot Grimace. Cats by 78 points.
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