COLUMN: World of Wheels

Holiday season is upon us, so lets give out some gifts to our Hurricanes.

Holiday Wishes for Our Canes

I know my first two columns have been focused entirely on the football team, but that will change at some point after the New Year. For now, however, I'm still fixated on the gridiron…

Before I pass out holiday presents for the fellas, I want to say one thing:

It sure is nice to be able to root for the team without any tinge of doubt, isn't it?

None of us ever really want the Canes to lose, but I just couldn't shake the feeling all season long that we needed to lose as many games as possible to keep the school from bringing Larry Coker back for another season.

Now that Randy Shannon is poised to take over in about a week I feel relaxed, like I can just sit back and cheer for the boys on New Year's Eve.

Ahh, this is nice!

Go Canes!

Now that I have that out of my system, I can move on.

It's present time!

First the offense…

Kyle Wright – A box of chill pills. For one thing, he needs them so he'll be able to stay calm when the slightest sign of a pass rush presents itself. He'll also need it for the fight he's going to get from Kirby Freeman over the starting QB job.

Kirby Freeman – A full-fledged shot at being the starting QB in 2007. There's something about this guy I really like. He may not be polished but I know this: he's not afraid.

Javarris James – Two healthy knees for the next 2-3 years.

Derron Thomas – A huge neon light that floats above his head that says, "Hey coach, find a way to get me in the game more often!"

Lance Leggett – A set of Bose noise canceling headphones so he can't hear those footsteps anymore and a year's supply of Miami's Best pizza so he can put some weight on.

Sam Shields – A spice rack. All he needs is a little seasoning and he'll be on his way to a great college career.

Greg Olson – A weekend with Brian Boitano. After all, when Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears, he used his magical fire-breath and saved the maidens, fair. So what would Brian Boitano'd do if he was here today? I'm sure he'd kick an arse or two. That's what Brian Boitano'd do. When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot king and saved us all again. When Brian Boitano built the pyramids, he beat up Kounlah Khan! Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take s*** from an-y-bo-dy! (Hat tip to Trey and Matt.)

The Offensive Line – A Total Gym ® for everyone! The chunky guys can lose some weight, just like Christie Brinkley, and the light guys can add some muscle just like Chuck Norris! I mean, if Chuck Norris uses one it must be killer! Think of all the reasons we would want our guys to be like Chuck:

- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
- There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Now we move on to the defense…

Calais Campbell – I'm not giving him anything. What the hell do you get for Superman?

Rhyan Anderson – Some more playing time.

Antonio Dixon – The entire film collection of Vince Wilfork's career at UM narrated by Chuck Norris.

Jon Beason – Another year on campus. Please, Jon? Please! I'm not above begging, Jon. Pretty please? With sugar on top?

The Rest of the Linebackers – The entire film collection of Ray Lewis, Dan Morgan and Jonathan Vilma. Again, narrated by Chuck Norris.

Anthony Reddick – A helmet that can only be removed by Randy Shannon. Sorry AR, but we need you on the field my man. If you're gonna hit someone with that helmet, keep it on your head.

Kenny Phillips – A full, healthy season. If he gets that, look out 1st Round of the 2008 NFL Draft.

Randy Phillips – Some Roadrunner legs. A little more quick would go a long way. Beep-Beep!

And last but not least, for our new head coach…

Randy Shannon – A healthy spring for all of the players. That's the best gift Shannon could get. If everyone's healthy in the spring then they can hit the ground running in the fall.

Happy holidays to all and an even happier New Year!

Enjoy the game on New Year's Eve because once that one's over I'm officially erasing the entire 2006 season from the memory bank and starting all over…

Kevin Wheeler can be reached by emailing him at

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