I'm a Husker fan. You know what that means? I am a spoiled brat. I am like one of those little insufferable spoon-fed prima donna teens that grew up with everything at their beck and call. Needing nothing, wanting everything and even then, it wasn't good enough.
If you win, I'll complain because it wasn't by enough points. If it's by enough points, I'll complain because the kids off the bench should be getting more time. If they were getting more time, I'll complain that the starters aren't seasoned enough for games when they are needed for a full 60 minutes.
Ya get it? I can' be happy. It's impossible. With that being said though, I have taken it upon myself to offer these rules up for Mr. Callahan so that he can get as close to nirvana in placating the Husker masses.
As Steve Pederson created this "Husker Nation", he was irresponsible enough not to give us a motto. Have no fear though, I have done that myself and as in inspiration, I have created a slight parody to that little poem they use at AA meetings. Not that I would know what goes on in there, well, uhh, moving on.
Anyway, it's simple, short, to the point, all three things not traits I am personally renowned for, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It does however keep things in perspective when you are dealing with what is considered to be the average-ordinary-everyday NU fan of today.
Grant me the coach that will change all the things I want
Not screw with the things I don't
and the intelligence to know the difference.
It's simple, but thought-provoking as well. Ok, sort of thought provoking. Anyway, it is the perfect segue into what I call the ten simple rules for the head coach at the University of Nebraska and these rules from me, representing all the great "Husker Nation" folk.
1. I am always right. Don't argue, don't expect anything less. If I said it was a bad call on your part, it was. I have never lost a game. I have never botched a call and nobody has ever out-coached me. I am the omnipotent Husker fan. Learn to except it, because it's true. Just ask me.
2. "in terms of". "on that end of it". "What they're all about" and "When you look around the country". Utter any of these in a sentence and you are fired!
3. Oklahoma is our rival. Nobody else. Not any other team in the country. If the Husker fans respect any one team in all of the country, it's OU. In fact, if someone asks you about the "Game of the Century" and you respond , talking about teams other than Nebraska and Oklahoma, your fired!
4. Whenever there is booing in the stadium, that isn't for you. That's actually for Barrett Ruud. You can see the connection. You then will have the luxury of knowing that his younger brother (Bo) is also on the team, therefore at least giving you the comfort that when you do hear boos, you can attribute that to yet another in the long line of the longest legacy in Husker history.
Oh, if the boos are coming and it's actually when the offense is on the field, ok, yeah, then it's for you and you better straighten up or your fired!
5. WE are "Lineman U". I realize that in your history you have a long and illustrious career of being an outstanding line coach, thus it's only fitting you end up here. But, with that being said, they were all losers and Nebraska is the offensive lineman capital of the entire world. It's the only school where they have been the glamour boys. It's the only school with 8 Outland Trophies. More rushing titles, a great collegiate running back history, WE are "Lineman U".
Learn it, know it, love it, live it......................or you're fired!
6. When going to Boulder to play Colorado, remember one simple word................DUCK!!! Colorado fans are infamous or notorious I should say. They are amongst the worst in conduct, but they throw a pretty mean fastball that does have some movement, so be prepared or you'll end up with an iceball stuck in your temple and if that happens, you'll be a vegetable and won't really know that soon after, you were quite obviously fired.
7. When nothing is wrong, something is seriously wrong. There's never a moment in the Husker kingdom where serenity prevails. It's turmoil, animosity, angst and impatience all around, all the time...and that's with the bowling team. Learn to except that no matter how good you do, it will never be good enough............or your fired!
8. The internet rules. That's right. Everything you have been told, led to believe and possibly felt on your own, well it's all wrong. The internet is the greatest forum for all true-blue fans that want to get as involved as possible with their team and there are no more fans more self-involved than those of Nebraska. Oh yeah and all rumors are true and the latest one is.............Steve Pederson's been fired!
Which just goes to show you that not all rumors are bad either.
9. There is greatness and then, there is true greatness. The difference between either is that while greatness exists everywhere, true greatness exists only exists at 40° 51' N 96° 45' W.
Can't figure that out? Your fired!
10. And the last rule to surviving in Lincoln is perhaps the most important rule of all. It's the rule that for the next three years will define you as a coach and a person. It's the end all-be all of rules that will be the ultimate icing on the cake for you as it takes you into the near future with confidence knowing that you are prepared for anything. For the next three years, you will have only three answers to any question asked of you. That's right. Three answers. Forget the rest, they don't matter. Only three answers are needed to satisfy the public in the end. So, whenever anyone asks you anything, you can't go wrong by just answering with one of the following:
So, there ya have it, the rules to making a coaching existence in Lincoln as easy as can be. Heck, it's almost going to be too easy. All is expected now is that he abides by the rules to the letter and we start reserving our BCS tickets now.
I realize that most Husker fans might take exception for me speaking for them, but in light of a lot of reasons, I felt it was necessary and besides, for a new coach, I had to tone it down some. I mean, if I did it the way most of you actually felt, Bill Callahan might think there was nothing he do that would keep him from getting canned.
That's ridiculous. Sure there is. He could quit.
Seriously though, it's best of luck to the new coach, may he bring the Husker fans glory, titles, fame, titles, wins by the dozen, titles and a couple lead-in spots on Sportscenter wouldn't be bad as well.
And if you don't..................................
Steve Ryan can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 402-730-5619