Something about the price of cheese

In ha progredito una scimmia che guida un cammello. I'm not exactly sure what that means. Something about a monkey riding a camel I think. It sounded cool though, right? All the great writers seem to have these things they do, niches they have carved in literary history that says to people, ‘I can write'. Well, as someone that can't write, but aspires to be part of that selected elite, I've thought of ways to cheat my way into lore.

Italian and French. If you want to sound like you are super-smart and a great writer, put some clever phrase into your story, but translate it to Italian or French. People love that crap.

Of course, for me to do that I have to find one of those on-line translators and some actually want money to convert a few key sentences. I may be aspiring, but I'm also cheap.

Ok, slogans or catchy phrases that go down in the annals of history-those little lines seemingly as significant as the topic they eluded to in the first place. "Outlined against a blue-gray October sky, the Four Horsemen rode again." One of the most famous lines in sports-writing history penned by the legendary, Grantland Rice.

I like it, no question. It's catchy, super melodramatic, which I love and it speaks of the "Four Horsemen" which gives the story this spooky-esoteric-Dante Alighieri-type feel that just makes you get those tingly things up your spine.

Well, everyone but Nebraska fans because these guys were evidently riding Shetland ponies against the Huskers, only winning 1 out of 3 against the Big Red.

Ok, that's being a little anal about the accuracy in the annals of history, but I digress.

What did I just say?

Moving on.

Other things that make great writers are pieces that move emotions, to and fro. Your happy, your sad, your angry, your despondent. It's like taking a literary trip on the Bi-Polar highway.

With that thought in mind, I spent hours watching the two most emotionally provoking people that I have known throughout my brief life - Barbara Walters and Roy Firestone. I swear they have quotas on making people bawl like little girls.

These two ought to have a face-off one day. Each gets to ask a variety of people questions throughout the course of an interview and the first one to get that person to cry wins.

Of course, you have to start off easy, so the first person would be Dick Vermeil.

Barbara: "So, Dick, how are you doing tonight?"

Dick: "Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Next

Another way to make people think you are a great writer is to write something that might make sense, but doesn't appear to make sense, so that people think it's profound, thus saying to themselves, ‘oh, wow', thus prompting the idea that if you don't understand it, it's quite obviously written at a level above you, hence making it great writing indeed.

For Example: Noted author (he might be. I have no idea) Andrew Pudliner penned the phrase "Another way in is the other way out; Never doubt where to exit; it is another entrance out."

Huh?

Err, I mean ‘Oh wow."

By the way, if you look up Andrew Pudliner's name on Yahoo, down the page a bit you'll come to a story about an Andrew Pudliner ( could be the same guy. I don't have a clue) sorting through his collection of Poinsettias, dubbed the "Sea of Red".

This has absolutely no bearing on this story, but I have heard that great writers are often considered such because they can create a similitude between their chosen reader and a variety of seemingly un-associated topics, eliciting awe at their ability to do so.

Oh yeah, use big words to. Like: Similitude. Yeah, I looked it up. If people don't understand the word or better yet, can't even pronounce it, you are one step closer to becoming a great writer.

Another great way to skim your way into greatness isn't so much about the writing, but where it comes from. I know you have seen some articles or stories that start off with ‘From the desk of.....".

That just sounds very authoritative, doesn't it? The desk. This piece actually came from a desk. Not a word processor or even some antiquated typewriter used by a veteran author who refuses to use something that won't deafen them while they type. It's from a Desk, thus obviously a piece that was important enough for someone to sit down and write.

I made the mistake early on in my quest for literary immortality in that I didn't use that particular lead-in. I guess people just didn't feel that sense of respect reading, "From the 1997 Toshiba Infinia 7130 of..........".

What can you do?

I'll tell you what I did - I asked. I asked person after person, legit writer after legit writer - what did it take to achieve that real immortality with the pen? They went on these diatribes about school, about reading what others did, correct grammar and knowing the difference between affect and effect.

Ok, now they're just being picky.

I did not however, want to think that I wouldn't find acculturation (Yeah, I looked it up) from their obvious though overly anal insight.

I simply came to the realization that in order to be a great writer, I can't study what others do. And, I don't have the patience to figure out what the difference is between ":" and ";".

So, with that in mind, I have opted to simply copy, plagiarize and interpret for my own benefit the stylistic writings along with those catchy phrases into one paragraph in the hopes that this first brief offering will spring me to a lifelong venture of notable scripts through which I will earn praise, adoration and lots and lots of money.

Ahem......

"Outlined against a blue-gray October sky, the four...uhhhhh guys in those red uniforms rode again. I will be deaf to pleading and excuses. Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses and uhhhh, Johnny Rodgers just tore'em lose from their shoes!!! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth.........hmmmm, oh, TOUCHDOWN, TOUCHDOWN, TOUCHDOWN!!!"

How was that? Am I a legend in the making? No?

Oh, the hell with it.

Le prix du fromage est trop élevé.

I don't know what that means either - something about the price of cheese.

Steve Ryan can be reached at SteveRyan@bigredreport.com or 402-730-5619


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