Reporter: "Welcome to the late night news, where we review the week that was throughout the country of "Tommy".
"It was an interesting week, so let's start with Monday."
"In current events, "Tommy Gilmore" topped the movie lists again for the forty-fifth straight week. It's a hilarious tale of a Chicago native with an affinity for football that ends up playing croquet in England as a professional and future legend."
"The movie climaxes when Zbikowski scores the game winner against the Manchester "Gold" that is hit with such force, it actually castrated the nearby judge, who had been Tommy's nemesis for most of the movie."
"When Kevin Costner was asked what he thought about the movie and it's rather thrilling climax, he stated simply, "It brought tears to my eyes."
"Yes, that's another slam dunk hit for Tommy Z, as he goes for his seventh straight Tommy award, renamed from "The Oscar", basically because Oscar is a dumb name to begin with and who doesn't love when an actor jumps up yelling, "I GOT THE Z, BABY!!!"."
In other news, NASA sent up the 25th shuttle mission, this time to Mars. Captain "Buzz" Sherman said of taking the U.S.S. Zibby to Mars, "It's the best ship in the fleet and you should see how this thing corners. What I like best about it though is that when we hit any asteroid or meteor showers, usually we avoid them, but with the Zibby, we just turn into those babies and they just bounce off like they aren't even there."
After the shuttle gets to Mars, they will be off-loading the new prototype, "Rover" that will be able to traverse any terrain, can float, can fly, burrows, plows and can go fifty miles an hour. They have dubbed the rover simply, "Z".
Back to the entertainment industry, another movie hits the theaters next week. Actually, it's a renewal of a classic, but done in the modern era. Yes, the remaking of the movie "Raging Bull" has brought both anticipation and controversy, but come next week, it's hitting cities, but we already have a few reviews in."
Roger Ebert says, "It's a stunning performance by Tommy Zbikowski." Ebert said. "I thought he was riveting as Jake Lamotta, moving as Joey and I even bought him as Vicki, but I can't imagine how long it takes to shave that hair off and glue it back on for the very next scene."
"Roger was riveted and amazed, but who wouldn't be as Tommy played every single role in the movie, was all the extras and even fought himself in the ring without using a double. When Emanuel Stewart (his trainer for the movie) was asked how Tommy was able to do that with such conviction, he said, "It was easy, because I told Tommy that Tommy was talking crap about him and that's all it took. He literally beat the crap out of himself."
Ok, let's move onto Tuesday, where the three-day music festival, "TommyStock" was held in Central Park, New York City. Some of the bands that were in attendance for this momentous occasion were "AeroSmith", "Sir-Mix-A-Lot", Limp Bizkit, Paul McCartney, Elton John, Blues Traveler and Britney Spears.
The organizer of the event, Tommy Zbikowski said, "Well, someone said I should get a few of my friends together and have a party, so that's what this is. It wasn't my damn idea to name it TommyStock though."
It was an electric night as the bands that played decided to dedicate this night to the reason why they were there and even put it in their music. Let's take a listen to just some of the songs that these artists put together for this significant evening.
"I like Big Tommy's and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny
That when Tommy walks in with that sly looking grin
you know he's there and you are going to win
and you get sprung, wanna pull up tough
this boy ain't kidding about "tough"
Deep in that jersey he's wearing
you know you can't stop staring
Oh Man, I wanna watch ya
They think they got ya, but then they lost ya
my homeboys tried to warn me
but with that arm you got
The Z man is hot,
And you say you wanna get in the zone
Well you show me, you impress me
Cause you ain't no flamin rookie
I've seen ya dancin
Into end zone, you go a prancin
You're the bet, the sure get
Going like a turbo vette
I'm tired of magazines
saying glamour boys are the thing
take the average sports man and ask him that
he'll knock you on your back
So FELLAS, (yeah), So FELLAS (yeah)
Did you see Tommy avoid that sack (Hell, yeah)
Tell ‘em to move it, to groove it
He's going to shake and bake
TOMMY IS BACK!!!
"That had the crowd going nuts as you can imagine, but it didn't stop as Whitney Houston ended this edition of TommyStock with her own tribute to the budding legend.
Whitney, "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE."
Reporter: "Damn, I almost cried when I heard that."
Moving onto the weekend, it was a sad day in the exchange in New York city, where people saw the markets plummet to their lowest totals in forty years. It seemed like a crash was inevitable, but someone over heard Tommy Z talking to someone about something to which he replied, "I'd buy that." and the market soared until records were set, the United States came out of debt and just for kicks, they bought Iceland and now, are home to the world's largest hockey rink, future home of the Zibby Sticks, who will come out to roaring crowds to the redone version of that Vanilla guys's song, called "ICE, ICE, TOMMY."
And last but not least, a somber note as we have just learned that Tommy Zbikowski came down with what the doctors call "A cold". The nation is riveted to CNN as they are live at Tommy's house looking for updates to this critical situation.
One doctor was reported as saying that it looked pretty serious. "I talked to Tommy a couple of minutes ago and well, he's flush, doesn't really have an appetite and I used twenty four thermometers to be sure, but I think his temperature is 98.7."
Federal aid is being enlisted in this time of need as the nation grips it's collective arm chairs, hoping and praying for Tommy to come out of this ok. It was last reported that Tommy was upright and walking around, but someone said that he actually looked a little slower than usual.
"I think he was going to throw up and I timed him from the couch to the toilet and, I don't know, it hurts to say this, but that's a good forty yards and he couldn't have ran that any faster than maybe 4.5."
That is tragic and the nation awaits, but you can be rest assured that if something happens, we will be on the scene to track this situation as it happens."
Let us pray.
Well, that's it folks. The week that was in the world of "Tommy". Don't worry, we will keep you abreast as things happen for the next week as we plan on covering Tommy Aid IV and the new movie "Tommy Wars" debuts, where George Lucas creates his most stirring rendition from the time-honored series and who can forget the already timeless line heard in the previews when
Tommy Z says, "Darth, my ass.".
A classic in the making.
Ok folks, have a good holiday, take care and remember, to have a Merry Christmas.
Steve Ryan can be reached at email@example.com or 402-730-5619