Wolfpacker's Perspective

Brewster's back with his weekly column, "Wolfpacker's Perspective."

I JUST RECEIVED A MESSAGE on my cell phone. I don't know who it was from because it was only six cryptic words long, "hey it's me, call me back." The voice sounded familiar but not familiar enough to know who "me" is. Now I'm going to have to do some actual detective work to find out who called. I didn't ask for that. I don't even like people calling me, much less when it becomes a pain in my butt.

My roommate says that a lot of things are a pain in my butt, but she's wrong. It's the PEOPLE who DO these things that are the problem, not the things themselves. Uh hello, hasn't she ever heard the saying that "guns don't kill people, people kill people" (who says bumper stickers don't resonate with the masses)? Well, phone calls don't just happen, people have to make them. It's the people that blow, I told her. Here are some things that I've found that people do that really make me step back and reexamine my stance on euthanasia.

I went to the beach over the weekend and saw at least ten men wearing Speedos. Yep, banana-hammocks. And these were not the kind of men who should be parading around in cup-huggers. But then again, who is? Okay, if you're an Olympic diver or an Olympic swimmer or an Olympic anything, fine- wear away. Strut, smile, rinse, repeat; you've earned it. But if you're just some schmoe that hasn't seen his feet since the Nixon Administration or just think its plain sexy to answer the question "how's it hanging" without anyone needing to ask, please do us all a favor and put the Speedo away. It's not cool, dude. At the very sight of you hot dog vendors quit their jobs, women turn to alternative lifestyles and kids become atheists. You're destroying the fabric of our great country (yes I know that European men wear them all the time, but that's partially why no one takes European men seriously).

I noticed another thing that drives me nuts when I was having lunch with a friend of mine (actually I noticed a few things). Why do people chew with their mouths open? Is it really that difficult to chew with your mouth closed or does an open mouth enhance the taste of the food somehow? I saw what was on your plate in the pristine fashion of which it was presented, so why do I need to see it in the same state that your small intestine will? I don't get it. In the middle of lunch my friend received a call and proceeded to talk on her cell phone and eat at the same time; she was like Sonny Corleone. I don't know how the person she was talking to understood a word she said because I sure couldn't and I was doing my best to eavesdrop.

I attended a seminar on Monday and the guy beside me slurped his coffee all morning long. Okay, first of all, that's disgusting. Secondly, there's no way his coffee was still too hot to sip after the second hour of the seminar went by. I finally dropped him a subtle hint (I flipped him the bird) when it became evident that his coffee had been touched by God and was never going to end (I'm pretty sure he had two loaves of bread and some fish for lunch, too). If violence is the only option of a feeble mind, then slurping is the call of the jackass (don't bother looking for the connection, I'm venting).

I'm also getting really tired of the double-talk and rhetoric in the news today. You've got the old pros front and center with Hillary Clinton, Dick Morris and Bill O'Reilly all promoting their new books, but the worst of them is Al Franken because he is mistakenly billed as a comedian. Not only is this THE LEAST funny man to ever come through Lorne Michaels' door on Saturday Night Live, but Franken still owes me $5.75. Yes, I'm the person that went to see his movie "Stuart Saves His Family" back in 1995. Do you have any idea what that's like for an impressionable 23 year old? For eight years I've had to carry the burden of seeing that steaming load and now he has the audacity to promote another canker sore of "entertainment?" He apparently has written two other books that I was mercifully spared any knowledge of, but I'm starting to get hives just thinking about "Stuart." Great, and I'm sweating, too.

I keep reading about Florida State President T.K. Wetherell confidently predicting the expansion of the ACC this week. Listening to Wetherell seems eerily reminiscent of another president…Mr. George W. Bush. ACC expansion seems as elusive to me right now as Iraq's WMD. But then again, I'm not privy to the conference calls, either. But I am privy to ESPN.com and if Wetherell's just blowing smoke, I'm gonna be…perturbed. I would rather be led to believe expansion is dead and be pleasantly surprised if it passes than vice-versa (but I'm cynical by nature).

Here are a few other quick questions that will help determine if you or someone you know is simply here taking up space or a productive member of society (and I'm a huge proponent of thinning the herd whenever possible): Do you believe the customer is always right? Do you think turn signals are outdated? Do you only smile when you need something? Are you going to go see the movie "From Justin to Kelly" when it comes out? Is your name Mike Tranghese?

Those are just a few questions to get the ball rolling. Oh, and I just called the person who I thought might have left me the message from before. She wasn't in so I left her a message. But after I hung up I stared blankly at the phone. Why? Because I just left my friend the ol' "hey it's me, call me when you get this" message. I'm so lame. My position on the food chain is something I will no longer take for granted.

Stay safe and stay tuned…


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