Behind the Evil: UNC-Chapel Hill

Propelled by the evil "J-School," UNC continues to try to steal glory.

UNC is evil, NC State is good. It's as simple as that. For years and years NC State has helped feed and build the state by producing bright engineers and farmers. UNC, on the other hand, has produced journalists. Hence, it is evil.

But UNC has always gotten all the credit. UNC is the University of North Carolina, or "Carolina," an encompassing name that broadly paints a misperception of the school as representative of the state, as a "university of the people." Yeah, sissified Easter pastels wearin' people. Innocent native Carolinians go into Chapel Hill with a thick Southern twang and a taste for barbecue, only to come out as part-time vegetarians who speak like Charles Kuralt. Evil!

NC State, aka, North Carolina State University, came to be known simply as "State." Carolina should have been known as "Chapel Hill," but no, its Carolina, and now when a naive 8-year-old from Garner hears that State is playing Carolina, he cheers for Carolina, because he lives in Carolina, and his dad has always given him lots of Panthers stuff.

So it's an uphill battle. Even though Chapel Hill is by far the inferior institution, it has controlled the media machine, thus garnering all the attention and stealing all the success. The UNC School of Journalism and Mass Communication, or the "J-School" as they like to affectionately call it, has powered a lethal force of media bias and spin in the industry. Good football-loving veterinarians and computer programmers from State have been all but helpless to influence State's image.

Did Chapel Hill's steady stream of Music History majors have anything to do with the establishment of Research Triangle Park? Did all those great UNC dental hygenists sow the seeds of the state's early tobacco- and textiles-supported economic boom? Sure, some UNC grads might have helped care for plenty of lung cancer patients, but where would their business be without all the tobacco-processing innovations made by State's agricultural engineers?

But it's UNC-Chapel Hill that gets all the accolades in the hallowed US News and World Report college rankings. And who are those accolades written by? That's right, journalists. So, State students and alumni have been resigned to proudly carry the state on its back, while Chapel Hill acts as the pretty figurehead everyone wants to see.

State supporters have been victims of the Carolina machine for too long, and it was time to subjugate Chapel Hill. And subjugate it did, ushering in the golden era of Torbush-Bunting-Doherty. Yet, as soon as the happy tarheels falter, they strike back. And evil doesn't fight with honor. Two old fashioned logo-stomping wins the Pack football team got, and the tarheels have wasted no time trying sabotage State's success.

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Classes only offered at UNC:
SOCI 300 - Applied Communism
RELI 415 - Jordan: Holy Land or the Messiah Himself?
ENGL 220 - Introduction to Peyo
JOMC 121 - Practical Propaganda
Freshmen required reading: "Nickel and Dimed: I Need More Cake," by John Bunting
State had outed former football coach and double-agent Mike O'Cain (how quickly he was picked up as a UNC assistant coach, no?), and quickly ended his streak of cooperative losses to the heels. But this year, I have to think the long fingers of old operatives like former N&O columnist Mickey McCarthy, or perhaps new recruits like current columnist Barry Saunders, may have infiltrated State's ranks, underhandedly causing this rash of suspicious injuries and suspensions.

The Wolfpack's inactive player list will soon have more names than the number of starters a team can field. Chris Colmer can't move his arm. Richard Washington continues to be framed for team rules violations. Sterling Hicks broke his hand, kept playing, and since that wasn't good enough, someone paid a goon named Gamble to Gillooly his knee. And T.A. McLendon has taken more abuse than anyone. Maybe it was a special UNC tendon assassin that left a banana peel in McLendon's path in the Murphy Center. Maybe someone was shooting tiny blowdarts from the stands last week at his thighs during that 67-yard run. But like that Cadillac in the car chase in Matrix Reloaded, or maybe that big Indian guy in The Quick and the Dead, or also that Russian dude in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, T.A. continues to take bullets only to get up again and fight. Actually, since the Cadillac eventually got blown up, and the Indian guy and the Russian Dude did finally die, ! so maybe that's not the right analogy. UNC does actually produce a lot of filmmakers, too. Evil bastards.

For once, NC State is the face of North Carolina athletics, and the evil tarheels will do anything in their power to prevent the Pack from reaching deserved glory. The tarheels ensured State would be out of the top 25 by exacting evil McLendon-slowing deeds behind the scenes of the Pack's first two losses. Thus chief henchmen and UNC grad Stuart Scott was able to more easily keep NC State out of the national television highlights. As the Pack's biggest generator of highlight footage, McLendon is clearly the tarheels' biggest target. Philip Rivers has only continued to dodge bullets because his Heisman hype is good for the conference, and so benefits UNC in the end. But rest assured, if he didn't have this precious value, he would not be spared.

Chapel Hill's persistent efforts to slow down State have only hindered its own progress, however, and the boys in baby blue stand helplessly at 0-3. They are desperate, and will push the limits of their evil as never before. So, like the last two years, State will be extra vigilant. No James Taylor sheet music will mysteriously find its way into the band's playlist, and no rich Chapel Hill alumni will sneak onto the sideline to put wine and cheese in State's Gatorade. Instead, lots and lots of special cake may find its way to the UNC sideline, and the heels' oxygen just might be replaced with some of Winston-Salem's finest cigarette by-products.

The UNC media machine did all in its power to keep this game off the airwaves, so it's clear that they knew their prospect for Saturday were bad, didn't want the massacre broadcast throughout the state. Fans may now have to pay to see the carnage, but carnage there will be, no matter how Stuart Scott will try to spin it.

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