A Wolfpacker's Perspective

IT'S RARE THAT I'M OPTIMISTIC about anything new (and for those of you who have seen my wardrobe, this is painfully obvious).

I still believe in Oldsmobile, cassettes (audio and VHS), Don Henley and the wishbone. If I could grow a full mustache, I'd wear one of those, too. It took my five years to trust the internet (and even now I'm skeptical about that dubious Google search thingie). The only exception is when it comes to hats. I love hats. I don't wear hats, but I love them. I have a million. Just in case. Baseball caps, ten gallon, derby, you name it, I've got it. It must stem from being dressed up as a child and paraded around the carnival or it may just be some queer quirk. Beats me.

Anyway, there is one new thing in the works that I am looking forward to…the addition of men to the Stately Ladies program. For those of you who aren't up to speed on the Stately Ladies, they are a group of young ladies who host recruits when they visit N.C. State (I'm sure there's more to it than this but I'm just giving the basics). Despite the antics of some programs, like say, Gary Barnett's Caligula Buffaloes, the Stately Ladies is a prestigious and classy program that is greatly underrated. And that's where adding dudes to the mix can only upgrade the program.

The most important aspect of this is what to call the new guys. Since we have Stately Ladies, I'm thinking the Pack Laddies has a nice ring to it. The Pack Laddies should be masculine, bright and undeniable (just like an Evanescence song). Think how effective it will be when a top linebacking recruit from Miami comes to Raleigh and rather than being bogged down with some hot, young hostess- who barely knows a Camaro from a Corvette- he will be shown around Raleigh by a dude named Chip. The two can form a comradery over weight lifting and sharing a urinal. What 18 year old wouldn't prefer the company of some dude to that of a smoking hot co-ed? This idea has already caught on in some of the most progressive places in America… San Francisco and West Hollywood. If this comes to fruition the Pack Laddies are going to be all the rage.

THIS PAST WEEKEND was the NFL draft and we all know what went down with the Charger's first pick. Now I want to add my .01 worth…I can not wait for the season to start. As if I didn't already have enough reason to hate the NY Giants (being a Redskin fan), Eli Manning just made it so much easier. This guy is a joke. Anytime his name comes up in a conversation it should be preceded by "A blonde, a rabbi and Eli Manning walk into a bar…" Mark my words, this tool is going to be a bigger bust than Jane Mansfield with implants wearing a push-up bra. He smartly shirked the Senior Bowl for good reason, he knows what the rest of the football world will soon find out…that he's over-rated. He is now the Microsoft XP of the NFL. I'm not going to compare Eli Manning to Ryan Leaf but I will compare him to Sage Rosenfels.

Eli Manning, the number one pick in the draft (tisk, tisk, tisk). See ol' Elisha doesn't have the drive that his brother, Peyton "Timmy!" Manning, has. He doesn't have the athleticism that Michael Vick has. And he doesn't have the class that Christina Aguilera has. For Eli to disrespect the Chargers, the NFL and the sport of football is disgraceful. Whether you and I believe in karma or not is irrelevant, because come September Eli is going to experience one helluva yen to Philip Rivers' yang.

I want to touch on another of the quarterbacks taken in the draft. The day before the draft the USA Today did an article on J.P. Losman, the QB from Tulane. In the article, Losman slammed Manning, Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger (the three QBs often referred to as the best in their class) proclaiming himself superior to all of them. Many experts (including fathead extraordinaire Ron Jaworski) agreed with Losman believing he was at least better than Rivers if not the other two, as well.

Here's my question to these "experts"…DID NONE OF THESE JACKASSES SEE THE SENIOR BOWL?!! J.P. Losman, playing with exactly the same plays and players as Philip Rivers, was horrible. Seriously, I felt bad for the kid. He was like, 2-11 for 21 yards and two interceptions or something while Rivers was the games' MVP. Rivers was Crockett to Losman's Tubbs that day. Did Losman care to offer an explanation for this in his USA Today article? Nope, he apparently had selective amnesia when it came to the Senior Bowl. I have no problem with a kid having a swagger as long as he has a brain to back it up (which J.P has yet to demonstrate).

ONE FINAL NOTE, there are a precious few good shows on television. If people don't start watching them, they're going to go away and there will be nothing left but reality shows like "The Bachelor: Jesse Palmer," and "Survivor: All-Stars" and "Circumcision: The Musical."

I just want to point out some killer shows that are worth taking time to check out: "The Shield," "24," "The Sopranos," "Deadwood," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "South Park," "The Simpsons," "Penn & Teller's Bull****," and "Nip/Tuck." There are obviously others but if we don't start watching the few quality shows out there, they're going to go away like "Family Guy" and "The Larry Sanders Show" and we're going to be left with lame reality shows like "Dirty Underwear: A Laundromat Expose."

One quick sidenote, one of my favorite shows was pre-empted by an update on a suicide bombing the other day and I got to thinking… These suicidal nutjobs kill themselves because, if I understand it correctly, they'll be rewarded in the afterlife with 72 virgins (which seems like an arbitrary number to me, but what do I know?).

Do these cats really consider an eternity with 72 virgins to be a reward? First of all, 72 virgins in one place at one time is not heaven, it's a Clay Aiken concert. And I don't know about Khalid Raheef or Ahmand Kuzabal, but if I'm going to spend eternity with a 72 women, I'd like at least ONE of them to have been around the block at least once. I'm not saying a master's degree in the birds and the bees, just a high school graduate at least. When it comes to my daughters, yes, virginity is key. When it comes to my eternity, virginity ranks up there with sock color in terms of importance.

Anyway, this Saturday night on Comedy Central they're running the entire new season of "South Park." If you like shows that are funny and not anything like ABC's TGIF lineup, you owe it to yourself to check it out.

Stay safe and stay tuned…


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