A Wolfpacker's Perspective

Some things are inherently true: Maryland co-eds are homely, vans are creepy, midgets and butts are funny. All midgets. All butts. Are funny. Period.

Dude, chick, old, young, big, small...midgets and butts are funny. My fiancÈ has a completely different take on the subject. She thinks I'm an insensitive Neanderthal for the midget part. But she's wrong, I'm not insensitive.

When I first moved to L.A., I became friends with two midgets, Kip and Paul, that called themselves the "Flying Zuchini Brothers." They weren't Italian nor brothers. But they were funny. At parties, they'd launch each other off couches or counter-tops and do flips, etc. They were stuntmen. And they were funny. The only other midget I'd met up until then (the Zuchini Brothers hated the term "little people," they said the only thing little about them was their ego) was the one doing handsprings on my front lawn on Brent Rd. So I'm batting .1000. Midgets are funny.

Now the butt part had my fiance more intrigued. She asked me if I thought her butt was funny. And I said "yes" because all butts are funny. Huh. Apparently, she doesn't think her butt is funny. I don't get it. But then again, I'm a dude. Dudes are designed to apologize (even if we don't always know what we're apologizing for). But on this one, she's being way too sensitive.

When you see a dude's butt in a movie (Tom Cruise/Cuba Gooding Jr in Jerry McGuire, Colin Farrell in Tigerland, Brad Pitt in Troy, Mike Myers in So I Married An Axe Murderer, Seth Rogan in Knocked Up, etc...) it's no big deal. It's like, "oh, a dude's butt. Whatever." But when a chick shows some bum, it's an Internet sensation. Anna Farris has a nano-second butt showing in the uber-lame House Bunny and it makes TMZ.com. Jennifer Aniston shows some fuzzy, out-of-focus bum in The Break Up and it makes Entertainment Tonight. So what's the difference? Simple. Dude's are used to (literally) showing their butts in public. As kids we moon as practical jokes (that's why Jackass is so popular). In sports we wear jock straps (the athletic version of chaps). But women? When do women in their formative years ever wear bum revealing clothes? They don't. Plus as they mature they read laughably bad magazines like Cosmo which teach them to hate their butts. You will never hear a dude ask if he looks fat in these jeans (or Dockers or jorts or whatever). Because we don't care. It's a butt. And butts are funny. But women? They see it as another place for fat to unlawfully reside.

Chicks also tend to believe that much of their personality resides in the back of their jeans. A tight little caboose means that guys will give an obligatory laugh at their jokes. A bigger caboose means they have to be book smart and take their place in the feminist movement (which is usually followed by a bad hair cut and a lifetime of therapy). You've got a whole host of women doing any crazy diet from Jenny Craig to Nutri-System to the diet to get back into their "skinny jeans."

But there's an easy answer for Wolfpack women though. Take up sports. Put down that Haagen-Dazs and that Ani DiFranco CD and pick up a Sports Illustrated. Turn off those lame Sex and the City reruns (which are absolutely, utterly useless once they're censored) and turn on ESPN. Learn sports. Dudes won't care if you're a size 2 or 10 if you're cheering for the Pack (and refilling their beer mug). And once you get a State guy in your sites, go for the jugular and moon a UNC fan…you'll have a love for life.

I'll be right back. I need to go to my fiancÈ and do some serious…apologizing.


Speaking of funny, who would've thought that Coach Tom O'Brien had a sense of humor? Before last week's beautiful upset win against overrated ECU, O'Brien was asked if he called South Florida's coaches about how to defend the spread offense (like the one that ECU runs). Here was O'Brien's response: "Did you watch them against Oregon?" O'Brien asked, referencing the Ducks' 56-21 trouncing of the Bulls in the Sun Bowl in El Paso. "Go look at that game. That was the spread that they were defending. I'm not saying anything about South Florida's defense, but if they're the gurus, we'd better go somewhere else."

Ouch! Now that's funny. He'll be here all week, folks. Tip your waitress and try the veal. And it just so happens that #12 South Florida is the Wolfpack's opponent this Saturday at Carter-Finley. And the fact that State is playing without their starting quarterback (Russell Wilson) and the best player on the team (linebacker Nate Irving) does not bode well on paper.

But I like Coach's response... it shows a little swagger. And it's just plain funny. For those that are upset over what O'Brien said, relax. Lighten up, Francis. I think that after watching the ECU game (which O'Brien called the first game since he's been here where we played hard for 60 minutes), maybe O'Brien finally feels good about this team. Maybe he really likes their chances against USF. And I agree.

This is a perfect trap game for South Florida. Their defense is heavily banged up and they are vulnerable against a strong pass rush. Like last week, nobody knows how to deal with injuries like N.C.State. And like last week, a highly ranked (and I think overrated) team comes to Raleigh having just squeaked by a crappy squad (USF beat Florida International, 17-9).

Yes, NC State is missing some serious talent but this team is now playing hard, smart and winning the turnover battle (which is the absolute key with Harrison Beck under center). And like last week, I see NC State winning on Saturday. And I will be the first to moon my neighbor with a Florida license plate!

Stay safe and stay tuned…

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