The Augusta Gorilla

While the great tradition that is the Masters and its host course the Augusta National are being slashed and burned by the liberal New York Times and the bra burning Martha Burk, Scott Michaux, sports expert/columnist from the Augusta Chronicle has chosen to pick a fight with the NCAA by using NC State and the Gator Bowl as this year's punching bag.

Scott, let me help your effort to receive this year's Pulitzer. There is an eight hundred pound gorilla in the mist of Augusta, and its not Chuck Amato, NC State nor the Gator Bowl.

While the gorilla strolls up the famed eighteenth in search of destruction, you are busy insulting "used-car salesman" Chuck Amato. I understand it's not personal and that NC State is this year's favorite target in your master plan of usurping the NCAA using the great powers of the Augusta Chronicle, but psst, you are ignoring the story of your lifetime.

The Times and their hacks like Martha Burk are trying to destroy great American traditions. The next to be leveled will be Augusta's Masters. The financial impact of National and it's prized tournament is irreplaceable to the good people of Augusta, yet you sit idle on the subject, choosing instead to do a little hacking yourself on the tradition that is the college football bowl process.

You say NC State is the "honorary poster team for all that is wrong with the college bowl system". Take the plank out of your eye, and look around you Scott. Augusta is burning. The New York Times says so. It's your responsibility as a featured sports writer for the Chronicle to set the record straight and protect what is an important part of the very being of Augusta, Georgia.

Circle the wagons, or better yet, go hug Hootie. He needs some love from the inside to help fend off the carpet bagging Times. But your obsession with a football play-off system has you preoccupied and Hootie stands alone.

I know, I know, you say "but I have Billy Bob, I say Augusta has rights!" Come on Scott, what gorilla would take you serious when in closing you curl into a fetal position, "I hope Augusta National opens its membership ranks to women sooner rather than later. It would be good for the club in an ever-changing society."

Yet, courageously, you continue to slap a very benign Italian and NC State. You use words like "honor is fraud". You attack the bowl system as nothing more than "a corrupt money-grabbing monstrosity, basing nothing on merit and entirely on politics" (oh, where is your outrage of the politics that sit on the "point of a bayonet"?).

Never mind that without profits, bowl systems cannot exist (you said what about the Blue-Gray Bowl?). Scott, let me pull you aside and tell you the truth. The BCS, the Masters and for that matter America is all about money, money and more money. It's what keeps the country free so dear Martha can rant and you can rave about a coach, a school and a bowl. May God bless the capitalistic pigs that are the members of the National. God bless them one and all!

Meanwhile, Martha Burks tirades continue, and Hootie reacts. He takes away the root of all things evil at the Masters, the almighty dollar. That's right, millions are lost as the Masters sponsors are cut loose of any obligations while you brag that now we can all watch golf commercial free, PBS style! Tell the truth Scott, is this part of your grand vision of financial aid for the fiscally challenged? Good God man, how do you think the fine folks that work the Masters and Augusta National get paid? Through good hearted, well felt, liberal hand outs?

The loss of sponsors will have repercussions, and your inability to focus on the gorilla leaves you a bit shallow and unable to feel the pain. Instead, your hatred for a profiteering bowl system that alienated your alma mater Virginia, Hoos Sum Laudi, has taken your attention away from what is important to your community.

I am not going to defend NC State's schedule that included eight bowl bound teams, or explain in simple terms that the Gator's Bowl contract gave them the option of three teams. I also will not defend your AP buddies that ranked NC State as the top team in the ACC at the time of the selection. I am afraid that this will only serve to distract you even further. Instead, I encourage you to hit the Augusta beat and take back what the Times and mad Martha have so unjustly taken from your good town, the great name that is Augusta National and the Masters.

Indeed, I am pulling for my favorite Augusta bowl expert to win that Pulitzer. Let me help you on your way. Let the Gator Bowl conduct their business as they see fit, they know best. And after your successful defense of the National from invading apes, if you want to effect changes in the bowl system, do so by addressing your next King Kong known as the NCAA rather than targeting NC State for seeming to be the best choice to the Gator Bowl officials.

Lastly, know your weakness. Your history of seeing the Gorilla in the corner is not very good. Focus man! You can do it!

* Don't be fooled by cheap impersonations. There is only one Billy Bob Wolfpack!

You can email Billy Bob and the entire TSW editorial staff at

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