How the Dork Made Our Christmas

TSW invites you to commemorate the holiday season with the enjoyment of a Strutting Wolf classic, one that honors the peculiar nature of some of our esteemed tarheel visitors.

Every Wolf
Down in Raleigh
Liked the Wolfpack a lot... 
But the Dork,
Who lived just North of Raleigh,
Did NOT! 

The Dork hated the Pack! No matter the season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
Maybe. Still, the most likely reason of all
Is hinted above - his brain was two sizes too small. 

Whatever the reason,
His brain or his pants,
He sat at his computer hating the Wolves,
For he knew every Wolf down in Raleigh, in Red
Was busy now, posting a happy thread. 
"And they're praising Amato!" he snarled with a growl.

"I don't get it! They didn't use to win -- till now!"

Then he huffed, with his Dork fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep Pack fans from humming!"
And the more the Dork obsessed about happy Wolfpackers

The more the Dork thought, "I must stop those hackers!

Why for seventeen years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Pack fans from smiling! ... But HOW?" 

Then he got an idea!

A stupid idea!



"I know just what to do!" The Dork laughed, waking his mom.
And he clicked on the Tarpit on
And he chuckled, and clicked, "What a great Dorky trick!
With these facts I'll fix them up right quick!
Tomorrow they'll know what losers they are
To root for a team that used to not go far!
Why," laughed the Dork, "I can't wait to kick 'em!
You live by how your teams do, THAT'S WHY YOU PICK 'EM!"

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Wolves, still a-bed
All the Wolves, still a-snooze
When he racked up his facts,
Racked up their old losses! The '90s! The '90s!
Robinson! O'Cain! The NIT! The '90s!
Three thousand lines strong! And to the State forum,
He went with his post with no sense of decorum!

"Pooh-pooh to the Pack!" he was dorkily humming.
"They're finding out now that the Pack isn't No. 1!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then all the Wolves down in Raleigh will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a reaction," grinned the Dork,
"That I simply must see!"
So he refreshed the page. And the Dork waited with glee.

And he read and he read with decreasing satisfaction
For the posts all came in with a differect reaction.
The reaction wasn't sad!
Why, the posts sounded merry!
They couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY! 
He stared at his monitor!
The Dork popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise! 

Every Wolf down in Raleigh, the tall and the small,
Was happy! With few recent wins at all!
He HADN'T stopped people from being Pack fans!
Somehow or other, they stayed, to a man! 

And the Dork, with his Dork-hands frozen on the keys,
Sat puzzling and puzzling: "How could this be?
It came despite Robinson! Despite O'Cain!
It came despite the '90s and NIT pain!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Dork thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Pack fandom," he thought, "doesn't come from a win.
Maybe Pack fandom ... perhaps ... comes from deeper within!"

And what happened then?
Well, what do you expect?
This ain't no Christmas story 
About some Dork on the 'Net.

There was no sudden, Dickensian change
The Dork, too dumb for that, continued to flame.
(For him to change, his small brain
Needed to grow two sizes at least!)
So he came flaming into the Wolves den,

And he...

The Dork became the roast beast!

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