Ramzy: "Apocalypto"

So much has been said about the OSU-Michigan game that you'd think it's all been said already, but Bucknuts friend and contributor Ramzy still finds a way to come up with something unique. Here are his random thoughts on this weekend's game.

This column has been translated from its original Mayan dialect. You're welcome.

Anyone getting married this Saturday should have criminal charges brought against them at the church. I believe this should actually extend to all weekends between Labor Day and Christmas, but it seems that I'm out of the mainstream of America, which apparently consists of painfully bossy women and their sackless fiancés celebrating their big day while half of the reception is either looking for a television or frantically seeking score updates.

In hindsight, both Michigan and Ohio State's schedules were littered with disappointing teams. However, nothing is more disappointing than getting beat down at home or worse, losing to teams you should have beaten, and that is how Michigan and Ohio State are ranked two and one, respectively. Other fans can complain all they want about the endless hype and down year in the Big Ten. College football is down this year. There are two undefeated teams that currently matter.

The circular logic over the past couple of seasons that the SEC is the best conference because "all of the teams beat up on each other" has gone from annoying to just funny. If this were true, their bowl games this year – which are defacto home games – should be another sweep like last year. If northern schools ever lost games in Chicago or Detroit against southern teams you would never hear the end of it from our friends at Auboyne and Jawjuh.

Notre Dame plays Army in a classic trap game, as they have to fight the urge to look ahead to their games with the Merchant Marine, Coast Guard and some rent-a-cops from the District of Columbia. Apparently playing the military academies is considered tradition, not unlike Notre Dame playing in an undeserving bowl game and getting crushed by …let's look at the funniest site on the Internet to get the description absolutely right…(insert victorious school's name)'s cheating thugs who could never get into Notre Dame. Tradition is playing the teams in your conference. Having total control over your schedule and making 25% of it against service academies is not tradition. It's pathetic. 

Troy Smith actually won the Heisman at last year's Fiesta Bowl when people saw him side-by-side with Laura Quinn's brother, who was scheduled to begin his campaign for the award that day. Several hundred yards of offense later, and a nationally televised depantsing in South Bend by Michigan, all Troy Smith had to do was not suck against what now looks like the easiest schedule the Buckeyes have had in ten years. In a year with no real competition for the most overblown award in sports, there could not be a better year to be Troy Smith. Every opportunity for him to be great, from the schedule to the surrounding cast, has been the equivalent of a wide-open three point shot. To his benefit, he's had a nice stroke, especially when everyone's watching.

Miami and Florida State being this bad is not good for college football. You want as many pretty girls at the dance as possible. When there are only a few, they turn into snotty wenches and you end up hating them. The Game this weekend is gigantic for so many reasons; one of the quieter ones being that there aren't any other teams – at all – that have even created the illusion of being dominant. College football needs to hate Miami and Florida State to stay healthy, and it's hard to hate teams that almost lose to Duke or get shut out at home by Wake Forest. Get well soon.

A lot has been made of the loser of Ohio State/Michigan going to the Rose Bowl, like that's some sore of bizarre anomaly. This is not unusual. Both teams have had the dishonor of doing this in the past decade. The winner will play for the national championship – this too has been done by both teams fairly recently. The only difference between this biggest-game-of-the-season and every one of its predecessors is that the subjective polls happen to have them rated one and two. That's it. It's big enough every year without the outside world getting all twisted up about it.

If you're going to be on campus Saturday, it's likely you are going to see some people wearing blue and yellow (they call it maize, which coincidentally is also how K-Mart refers to their yellow clothes to make them seem less K-Marty). Regardless, you have some behavioral choices to make upon seeing Michigan fans in Columbus:

  1. Ignore them. This is totally reasonable. After all, they're strangers.
  2. Be nice to them, but hate them quietly to yourself. Again, totally reasonable. Make sure you shower twice later.
  3. Scream something at them like, "MICHIGAN SUCKS!" as they walk by. While what you scream is true, this kind of behavior reflects poorly on you. You would not walk by a baby in a stroller and scream, "YOU CRAP YOUR PANTS!" That would make you an idiot. So does taunting a stranger because of his shirt.

There are no other possibilities. These are the only three. You're either a reasonable human being or you're an idiot, making all of your dead relatives cringe as they witness from beyond. Choose wisely.

Go Bucks

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