NEW TRUTH: Beavs Emerge with Desert Victory

HOLY COW Beaver Nation. Welcome for your weekly dose of Truthful Honesty and Dear Leader recap. As always, you are reminded that there are false and inaccurate reports out there for you to pay no mind. Do not read, they are not for trusting.

It was another glorious week to be Beaver, as the Valiant and Fearless Beavers traveled to Tempe to defeat St Dennis' Fearsome Sunny Devil team.

Devils undoubtedly best opponent Beavers face so far, featuring excellent coaching and deep talent across board who come off of sound beating USC Trojans and are prohibitive favorite to win newly form Pac-12 South division. Without a doubt, second best team in land.

Unfortunately for Sunny Devils, they face best team in country and possibly ever, your Oregon State Dauntless Beavers.

The Sunny Devils are leading on offense by 6-10 monster QB Brock Osweiler, who despite shameful grammar errors on tattooing, never less possess rocket arm and ability to run 4.3, 40. Osweiler team up with Pac-12 leading wide receiver Aaron Pflugrad to form dynamic duo, stern test for outstanding corner Jordan Poyer. Poyer prove he is up to task at hand by intercepting Osweiler 2 times and limiting Pflugrad (who play like poor man Mike Hass) to just 3 receptions for paltry 30 yards.

No Sunny Devil except Kyle Middlebrook and Jamal Miles allowed to catch ball more than 3 times. Miles winner of winner DearLeader "Make Your Mom Happy" contest in opulent Scottsdale Villa earlier in week, while Middlebrook runner up and allowed to catch 5 football pass for consolation prize. In stunning show of good sportsmanship, Beaver punt team take knee and allow Miles to return for touchdown.

Beaver defense stifling, holding ASU to 1 of 10 on third downs and 0 for 1 on fourth down conversion, sacking Goliath QB Osweiler 4 times for -28 yards and forcing one fumble on scramble. Devils barely scrape out 3 yards per carry in normally powerful rushing attack. Asked if he was surprised at Oregon State speed and ferocity on defense, St. Dennis smile and say wistfully "I'm not surprised at all. I've been around this game a lot of years, and sometimes it just happens. From my days coaching there, Oregon State always has the best players anywhere and regardless of what you say or do, sometimes you just can't compete with that kind of talent."

After Terron Ward average 6.0 yards per carry in first half, Coach Riley tell Danny Langsdorf "like golf handicap, second half we only pass to make more even for St. Dennis and Sun Devils" and Sean Mannion end up with 66 pass attempts, school record. Ward perform solidly while Malcolm Agnew recover from hamstring transplant courtesy of donor Michael Philipp. Do not worry about Big Mike, he simply grow new ones and return next season.

Of course it would not be Beaver football without prankster special teams coach Bruce Read, who instruct scamp Johnny Hekker to tease Coach Riley by running back and forth with ball for 8-10 seconds before reluctant rugby punt away football. This week, accomplice Trevor Romaine accept challenge from red-haired rascal Hekker to top 4 yard negative punt, so Romaine respond by kicking field goal backwards. Coach Riley beam after game. Who need pie in face joke when you can have Hekker yank football like Lucy on Snoopy Brown, shank punts, kick out of bounds shenanigans.

Also after game, Vontaze Burfict mad and point at everyone.

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    Chad Luther and Mr. Anonymous grateful to have been permitted to contribute to this report.

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