Dear Leader approves Beav win over Utah

WELCOME BACK BeaverNation and enjoy the vainglorious vocabulary your DearLeader has at disposal for yet another riveting recap of Magnanimously Vanquishing Oregon State Beavers. As always, untruthful reports are out there on OSU-Utah game and you are welcome for being reminded that DearLeader is only place for Pristine Truths – all others are not to be trusted.

First off, DearLeader like to apologize for recap being a day late, DearLeader talked into marathon game of YooHoo pong, ended up drinking endless amounts of State of Utah drink with flip-floppy Mitt Romney at temple. Turn out it was bad batch, and DearLeader sick like dog from YooHoo poisoning. But feeling much better now, DearLeader once again got moves like Mick Jagger.

One more item before recap, like to offer congratulating to #1 Female Sports fan, BeaverNation own @SynergeaNicole who win contest on George Canzano Bald Head Show and is now on-air personality and of course DearLeader Beav follower.

Opening drive set tone for entire football game, Utes show off stout defense and force field goal from Mini Hulk Trevor Romaine, and Beavers return favor force long field goal from Utes and defensive struggle begin. Big hubbub for "black out game" really see difference in how Beaver fans and Utes fans interpret what that means. Ute nation take short nap. Black out game evidently mean in Utah sleepy time. Hear Beaver fans think mean party so much black out, reports of on Beaver fan waking up in northern Nevada married to divorced group of women with 22 kids.

Pretty weird thing happen at start of second quarter, DearLeader staffer Barbara Curtin (who dress in snazzy Beaver Tundra cap for game) report that both teams so tired from defensive struggle they agree to sit out second quarter and eat brownies and punch she truck in from Salem, so scoreless second quarter although way defensive stall worth game going, probably end up the same even if playing. Police finally break sit-in thinking it Occupy Utah demonstration and game resume.

Everyone say how Utah cuisine really delicious, Moroni and Cheese Catering supply luxury suite in Rice and Cheese stadium, which DearLeader have built this year now Utah is part of Pac-12. Point to followers, Yoohoo and lots of cheese is bad idea.

Big surprise when lair hang-on, no-one like guy, George Canzano, sneak into DearLeader private suite. Even though wearing classic Utah disguise, crazy hair and bad beard, insist everyone call him George Monson entire game and keep asking other secret guest Ms. Bellotti where junk drawer is. Ms. Bellotti not completely understand junk drawer metaphor so she tell her AuPair entourage work him over. George mumble something about Steaming Heaps Baptist, keep quiet after that.

Back to game... Beaver defense stout all day long, Utah QB Jon Hays held to just 6 of 14 passing for 62 yards. Normally potent Beaver offense battle ferocious Yoots defense until Surgeon Sean Mannion hit 3 yard TD pass to Markus Wheaton for score with 14:55 remaining in 4th quarter. Mannion end up with modest 231 yards passing and 6 rushes for 59 yards for day and give credit to Utah defense for inspired effort.

After sitting out game last week doing homework during game against WSU, scamp punter Johnny Hekker come out and set OSU record for longest average punts for game. Also set record for longest possession by a punter when rascal Hekker decide to run around rugby style being chased by Utah defenders while paint Banksy art on football before booting monster inside Utah 20 yet again. This only time Utah fans wake up from nappy time black out.

Utah threaten at end of final quarter, but Beaver defense again come up big, Utah TE caught holding on for dear life in own end zone resulting in safety. Utah almost score and Yoot players had bucket of YooHoo (Utah drink instead of Gatorade during games) ready to dump on Coach Kyle Wittingham in celebrate victory but alas, not to be, Yoots forced to settle for 20 yard field goal and that pretty much the game. After game Coach Wittingham say he off Yoohoo for good.

Dear Leader Extras:
  • Yoo-Hoo Crazy.

  • Photojournalist Dear Leader capturing Markus Wheaton.

  • Handout for friends.

    Chad Luther, Mr. Anonymous and heir apparent Kim Jong-Fudge grateful to have been permitted to contribute to this report.

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