If it wasn’t for Rick Neuheisel desperately clinging to yet another appeal to remain the head coach in Huskyville, Miami and Va Tech shaking up the BCS world, Kobe getting arrested for sexual misconduct, and the Glove going to Hollywood (boooooo!), I wouldn’t have anything to fill my empty head.
Aha! I know what would help me get through these desperately slow weeks? I’ll give Tim a call and lets dip into my bulbous bag of mail!
Let’s see here, our first letter comes from “Randy”:
Subject: Jake Cookus
What happened to #31 Jake Cookus? I scoured OSU's website for more information, but could not find anything on him. He would be a junior this year.
OA: Well Randy, Jake Cookus graduated following the 2001 season. If you spotted another #31 out there that looked really similar to Jake, you were looking at the new #31, Brandon Catanese, who will be a Senior this year.
BT: Yes Randy, Jake did graduate after the 2001 season. Sadly, NCAA players aren’t allowed to play for eight years, however it does take many Fresno State Bulldogs that long to get their degree. Hope this clears things up.
Our next email comes to us from “Petey Joe”:
From: Petey Joe
If you or anybody else mentions the Heisman and Jackson somebody should rip your tongues out. All that Heisman bull**** is what screwed up Simonton and the Beavers in '01. Please, learn a lesson and give everybody a break especially the Beavers.
BT: Petey Joe. Interesting name. I’m guessing you weren’t exactly a welcome surprise to your parents. Why didn’t they just name you Homer? Don’t you think Simonton’s tough senior season had a little more to do with injuries and turnover on the O-line than people talking about a possible Heisman? If you believe that, I bet you don’t walk under ladders and shudder at the thought of breaking a mirror! Lastly I wouldn’t advise ripping my tongue out. My wife would be seriously pissed if you did that. Pleeease tell me I don’t need to explain.
I like the sounds of this one from “demi”:
Subject: Orange…earn $150 for your opinions!
Dear Mr Attack:
GET PAID FOR YOUR OPINIONS!
Earn up to $150 For an Hour of Work!
Find out How Your Ideas and Insights Can Work For You!
OA: Hey, Demi (your last name isn’t Moore, is it?). Thanks for writing. I am VERY interested in being paid 150 dollars for my opinions.
First of all, I would like to express my opinion that I love college football. Next, I would like to say that I believe that my opinions are worth considerably more than 150 dollars. I’d like to think that 200-250 is pretty fair.
Here’s my first opinion for you. “It is my opinion that I should be free to punch the guy in front of me in the head who cheers loudly before the offense snaps the ball. Worse, he tries to get the rest of the section to cheer with him and waves his arms around while shouting his encouragement. I’m tired of explaining to him that the idea is to be loud when the DEFENSE is on the field, not when the offense is trying to hear the snap count.”
I have many more opinions that I will be more than happy to share, for the bargain price of $250 dollars apiece. Please let me know when I can expect payment.
And if it’s going to be very long, I have an opinion on that too.
Here’s another blast from the past following the UCLA game. I have to add this one in just because it is so funny:
Subject: the pain
I am sorry you lost, Sh*t it kills me, I have kept up with Beaver foot ball
for so long, it kills me, sh*t it was 14 to 0 what the f**k, please tell dennis
erikson I am sorry and don't give up we love beaver foot ball and we love the
respect he brought, the season is not over yet, win the next one
OA: Hey Jeff.. Bud, I read this email almost a year later and it still cracks me up. You are all that is right with college football, my man. Come find me this fall at the tailgater and I will provide you with at least 3 beers.
BT: …As long as you don’t email him after drinking them.
Here’s one from “Earnest Byrne”. We’re hoping that if we finally reply he’ll stop sending us this email 32 times a day:
From Earnest Byrne <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Protect yourself!!
NEW! Automatic removal of many viruses lets you work without interruption.
NEW! Script Blocking detects script-based threats such as the "I Love You" and "Anna Kournikova" viruses, even before new virus definitions are created for them.
NEW! Scans and cleans outgoing e-mail messages to prevent sending infected files from your PC.
BT: Thanks for your offer regarding Norton anti-virus. Unfortunately, my computer is already “protected” by Norton and I’ve gotten two viruses that have wiped out my entire operating system TWICE, and most of my digital photos. From my experience, your product sucks and I wouldn’t pay 10 bucks for it but that’s just me. Consider this a little customer feedback. If however, you have something that protects one from getting Syphillis, I strongly urge you to email JimsaDuck at (email address blocked). The guy is single and walks around with a 24-hour hard-on. Personally, I think he would put the wood to a box of Rice Krispies if Snap, Krackle and Pop had their heads turned and I do believe Furbal would take any virus that Anna Kournikova gave him.
OA: Well.. that about covers it, Tim. I have nothing further to add, your honor.
Oh yeah, this is a good one. Good old fashioned hate-mail:
Subject: OA, you have no clue
When you understand the situation give me a call you just make assumptions the beavers have a good coaching just don’t write stupid sh*t
OA: What’s funny about this one is that I can’t recall ever criticizing the OSU coaching staff. The only thing I can figure is that I made some comment about poor clock management after the ASU game, and wondered why we didn’t try to power the ball in with Jackson.
Tell you what, Lisa. Go ahead and email me your phone number so I can give you a call. I’m not sure that I understand the situation yet, but I’d like to.
BT: Lisa, you are correct. The Beavers did indeed have good coaching last year and still do in my opinion. May I coach YOU a little here? When you email someone, try to exert at least a LITTLE effort so that the recipient has a snowball’s chance in hell of figuring out what the hell it is that you’re trying to say.
Tim whips another one out of his sack. Er, bag. Aw, you know what I mean. I’ll be back after I wash my mouth out with soap:
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BT: Thanks but I don’t need any cookbooks. There are only about 30 or so things that I like to eat and after cooking them for about 25 years, I’ve finally gotten them down. You should really send those cookbooks to my ex-wife. That bitch could burn water.
And from the very bottom of the mailbag comes one from “miller-moe”:
Subject: who are you, anyway?
Why are you even listed as part of the insider? You never write anything?
OA: Hey have you seen that thing called the message board? You know who moderates it on a (mostly) daily basis? Right here pal.
Seriously, my Pac 10 preview should be out in mid-August this year. That should make you happy, even if you don’t think this column counts as “writing something”.
Well, that’s it folks…the mailbag is empty. Well, except for the penile enlargement offers and the Viagra promos, along with the ever-popular low mortgage rate deals.
How many days until kickoff?
Please send your rants, comments, criticism, praise, or dirty jokes (thanks wcbeav!) to email@example.com and firstname.lastname@example.org . We promise not to make fun of you, and your email may be in a future column. Drunken rants receive extra credit.
(Disclaimer: BT might make a little fun of you if you're an idiot.)