The Black and Orange Crystal Ball

WELL, WEEK 1 is in the books for Oregon State and looking back… I don't want to talk about it. You know what I do want to talk about? This awesome crystal ball that has been sitting on my shelf just waiting for me to pick it up and unearth what's going to happen in Week 2 for the Beavs and also some other Pac-12 teams.

Here are my half-dozen, half-baked bulletproof iron-clad locks of the week:

I predict that.. The Oregon State defense will look nothing like the one that we saw on Opening Day. And I don't mean that they will be donning the 4th uniform that Nike didn't release this spring, with unicorns sewn on the seat of the pants and polka dot, pink sports bra jerseys, either.

Honestly I am wishing that I could go all Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind on last week, and Mark Banker is too.

The good news? Hawaii doesn't have a QB who runs out of Scott Crichton tackles like he sweats Vaseline, so all the defense needs to do is stop the pass, which... Well, I sure picked the wrong week to quit drinking cough syrup at breakfast.

I predict that.. The Cal-Oregon State game is going to have so many yards of offense this year that Larry Scott will seriously consider platooning referee crews so that nobody suffers a heart attack.

Cal's Jared Goff hoisted an eye-popping 63 pass attempts for 445 yards last week against Northwestern, and the Golden Bears still lost. That sounds vaguely familiar..

Dear Leader called me Sunday morning and told me that he had it on very good authority that the WAC was, in his words, "putting the band back together, guy," and they were making a strong play for the Beavers and Golden Bears. Stay tuned.

Cal plays Portland State on Saturday, a lowly FCS and Big Sky.. oh, wait… never mind, nothing to see here, move along.

I predict that.. The rest of the Pac-12 still isn't going to know a lot about Utah after this weekend. The Utes take on 1-AA.. err.. FCS and Big Sky Conference opponent Weber State this weekend.

I watched the Utah-Utah State game last week and came away unimpressed with Utah's performance in their 30-26 victory over the Aggies. I mean, at no time should a Pac-12 team like Utah be trailing to Utah State, and yes I know Utah lost to Utah State last year. And no way would a Big Sky opponent from the FCS division be able to hang with a Pac-12… Oh, wait… never mind. Nothing to see here, move along.

I predict that.. Washington State is going to cause Lane Kiffin to have that "I think I forgot to lock the front door when I left for work this morning .. again" expression again this weekend.

I realize this is a little pot calling the kettle black, but the USC program is starting to look a lot like the album cover of Mr. Big's 'Lean Into It.'

Want a preview of how Kiffin's post-game conference this week is going to unfold? Here you go.

Oh, how I am going to miss Lane Kiffin.

I predict that.. I'm running out of ways to be snarky about the Colorado Buffaloes football program. Because at this point, it feels a little like picking on a third grader. A third grader who in all likelihood, could probably still beat you up.

Last week, Colorado's Connor Wood was 33-of-46 yards for 400 yards and 3 TD's in Mike MacIntyre's Boulder debut. Oh, I know it was against Colorado State but why is it that suddenly every quarterback in the Pac-12 is the second coming of Peyton Manning? Half of those yards went to receiver Paul Richardson (10 catches, 208 yards, long of 82).

Colorado visits Oregon State on Sep. 28.

I predict that.. Arizona fans may very well outnumber the home crowd this weekend. And they will wonder what in the crap they are doing playing an away game in Vegas.

Seriously, what kind of payout is that going to be for the Wildcats? I've been to Sam Boyd Stadium – it seats like 70 people and to call it a dump is an affront to well-maintained landfills all around the world. Nobody copy and paste that to the UNLV message board, THIS IS PREMIUM CONTENT, PEOPLE. Ah, who am I kidding.. UNLV doesn't have a message board.

IN CLOSING, I would just like to let everyone know, I'm out of cough syrup. Don't gamble kids, Dear Leader and I take no responsibility for the tax repercussions of doubling your bank account by taking these iron-clad locks of the week and putting them to good use. You've been warned.

Send your comments and suggestions for a good therapist here:

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