118th CIVIL WAR: Duck jokes

THERE ARE FEW things better in college football fandom than giving your rival a hard time - and who could possibly deserve it more than the Ducks?! In that vein, here are a few of our favorite Duck jokes plus a link to a ton more poking fun at all things green and yellow.

Q: What's the difference between a Duck girl and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How do you make it even?
A: Force feed the elephant.


 Click here for a flow chart on how to be a Duck fan.


Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Northwest School, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.

As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all.

They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the Cougar hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for WSU!" as he fell to his doom.

Not wanting to be out done, the Husky threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for U of W!"

Seeing this, the Beaver walked over and shouted "This is for everyone!," and pushed the Duck off the side of the mountain.


"I would like an yellow hat, green pants, green shirt, and yellow shoes," the man said.

The clerk asked, "Are you a Oregon Duck fan?"

"I sure am!," the man said sticking his chest out. "How did you know? The color combination?"

"No," replied the employee. "This is a hardware store."


Two Duck fans were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Duck fan said, "Those are deer tracks."

The second Duck fan said, "No. They're too big to be deer tracks. They must be elk tracks."

As they were arguing back and forth they got hit by the train.


Q: What's black and blue and goes tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A: A Duck in a dryer.


A Duck was driving North from Eugene at the same time a Beaver was driving South from Corvallis and they happened to meet head-on in a horrible crash on I-5. Miraculously, both climbed out of the steaming wreckage...their bodies intact.

They examined the twisted metal and realized that they were truly lucky to be alive.

The Duck said, "This must be a sign from God that we should end the bitter rivalry that we have had since the beginning of time."

The Beaver agreed...he went to his trunk and pulled out an unbroken bottle of whiskey.

"This is truly remarkable," the Beaver fans remarked. "God must want us to toast our new-found friendship."

He twisted the cap off and handed the bottle to the Duck, who took several big swigs, wiped his chin and handed the bottle back.

The Beaver replaced the cap, and without a word, put the bottle back into his trunk.

"Aren't you going to celebrate our luck?" asked the Duck.

"Nah," the OSU fan said with a wry smile.  "I think I'll just wait for the troopers to get here."


Mark Helfrich passes away and is met in heaven by God himself. Upon speaking with Mark, God shows him around heaven and eventually leads him to his new home, a humble abode painted yellow with green trim and with a small UO flag over the door.

Feeling special, Mark begins to smile humbly, but not before looking up the road to a marble mansion on the hill.

Huge black and orange flags decorate the brick laid driveway leading up to the golden gates and enormous trees garner the landscape draped with OSU banners. Hanging over the European doors is a massive OSU flag hanging from a golden flag pole.

Distressed and upset Mark asks "Why does Mike Riley have such a beautiful house while I'm stuck with this shack?"

In all his wisdom and kindness, God smiles gently and politely answered back, "Don't fret Mark, the house isn't Riley's, it's mine."


A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Oregon Duck. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Ducks too.

No one really knowing what an Oregon Duck was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a Duck," Kristen answers.

"What are you?," the teacher asks.

"Why, I'm a proud Oregon State Beaver," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a rebel.

"Well, my mom and dad are Beavers, so I'm a Beaver too," Kristen proudly answers.

The teacher is now angry.

"That's not a good reason!," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? Would you be a moron too?"

"No," says a smiling Kristen, "I'd be a Duck!"


A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to find the best university for him. His first stop was the University of Southern California.

When he got there, coach Seven Sarkisian immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking for several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.

"Well, this phone is a direct line to God," Sarkisian said.  "God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university."

The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick.

"Sure, you can!," Sarkisian said.  "But it's going to cost you $2,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap."

The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. His next stop was at the University of Oregon.

Upon entering coach Mark Helfrich's office, Helfrich immediately picked up a similar golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up.

The boy said, "Hey, I've seen those phones before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?"

Coach Helfrich said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $3,000. Calling Heaven isn't cheap and there's a surcharge that goes to Chip Kelly."

Again, not having that kind of money, the young man left. Who would want to live in Eugene anyway?

His last stop was in Corvallis at Oregon State University.

Upon arrival at the office, coach Mike Riley picked up a golden telephone, talked to God, and said, "Thanks," and hung up.

The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach Riley, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose.

"At USC it was going to cost me $2,000. At Oregon they wanted $3,000. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Oregon State?"

Riley smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."


Q: What did the Duck graduate say when he looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh looky! Donut seeds!"


Q: What does a Duck yell when it sees a rat in the kitchen?
A: Dinners ready!


Q: How do you get to UofO from OSU?
A: Head south until you smell it and east until you step in it.


Ready for more?! Over 70 Duck jokes can be found at the Duck Hate Page.


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