Thanks, as well, to those who pointed out my error in saying that Kansass State was in Lawrence. In fact, they hail from Manhattan. And, yes, the game was played in Kansas City, not Manhattan. Again, my bad. But, when you get right down to it, who really shives a git? Not me, I assure you. Nevertheless, I will pay closer attention to those minor details in my future columns. If I miss anything, I’m sure somebody will let me know!
So, with my mea culpa out of the way, I run headlong into my Smack-10 Predictions for Week #1B…
Thursday, August 28th
Sacramento State @ Da Beavs: Finally, the wait is over! After 8 long and grueling months, our mighty Beavs begin the 2003 campaign at home against the 1AA Hairnets of SadSack State. This is gonna be blowout of epic proportion with a ton of the #2 and #3 positions getting serious PT. OSU should be up by 2-3 touchdowns by the end of the 1st quarter and 3-4 by halftime. Saclamento will keep it close for the first possession or so, but just won’t be able to hang with the constant pounding of Mr. Jackson and Company. Stay or watch until the end, just because it has been too long since we could. Beavs 49 – Hairnets 13. The SadSack State Athletic Department is proud to announce their latest corporate sponsor…Crisco. After negotiations fell through with PAM Non-Stick Cooking Spray, the folks at Crisco were happy to step in and fill the void.
Saturday, August 30th
UTEP @ Arizona: Dear God…do they really HAVE to play this thing??? Talk about your classic turkey! The Coach Malcontent Death Watch officially starts with the burning question…WHY IS HE STILL COACHING TO BEGIN WITH!!! I don’t know what’s on the pictures in Malcontent’s safe, but they must be humdingers. Anyway, this game will be pure torture to watch and may be the only game the Mildcats win all year. Zona 17 – UTEP 10.
Southern Miss @ Cal: Didn’t I just talk about these guys? Oh yeah, it was that Lawrence/Manhattan/Kansas City thing. Oh well, Cal State Liberal returns to the friendly confines to take on a pretty decent Sour Mash Beagle team. All in all, Birkenstock State did pretty well against KState and should hold serve at home. Cal 32 – Southern Miss 21. In a surprise turn of support, The Fab 5 of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” show up to cheer for the Beagles because they love to say “Mississippi” really loud…
Idaho @ Washington State: The Border War moves east as Wazzugly makes it second Seattle appearance in as many years. Last year, the Bougs drew a bigger crowd than the Chicken Hawks and should do well again. Spud U. loses in grand fashion while the boys of the Palousy give us a glimpse that they’re not as bad as many people think. WSU 38 – Idaho 14.
ucks @ Mississippi State: Closed scrimmages. Media control. $4 million locker room. Exclusive “cool suits” from Uncle Phil. Oooooooo, it must be time for Toilet Seat football! The unusually quiet uck faithful will be in utter shock after the Missy State Bullpups exact revenge for last year at the landfill. The ucks won’t be able to take the heat – literally – down in Starkville, even with their cold suits (assuming they get to use them). Key points…the Pups were pretty darn young last year, have won 6 straight home openers under Coach Shirley and his job is probably on the line. Mississippi State 27 – ucks 17. WARNING: Being a Toilet Seat fan can have the following adverse affects – delusions of grandeur, tunnel vision, hysterical blindness and belief in the “anti-win”.
USC @ Auburn: Spoiled Condom takes their 2003 consensus Pac-10 championship team down to the state of “Allllllllabammmaaaaaaaaaaaaa” (hear Keith Jackson) for a monster of a game against the Tiggers of Auburnt. Most polls are pretty high on both squads with U$C around a #8 and Auburnt around a #6. This should be a heckuva game and I highly recommend you watch. Tough to call this one, but I think the humidity and the War Eagle get the better of the Toejams. Lack of a proven QB and other insufficiently filled holes will become glaringly apparent. Auburn 24 – USC 21. No “happy dance” for Coach Christmas Carol.
Washington @ Ohio State: Let it be known and shouted from the highest hills…THE FUSKIES ARE OVERRATED!!! The Yuckeyes will prove that to everyone, even without Maurice “I swear I had a Rembrandt in the trunk” Clarett. Don’t get me wrong, Cody Pick-it-and-flick-it is a solid QB, a probable early NFL draft pick and has Reggie to throw to. But other than that, what have they got? Their running game is suspect at best and their defense belongs in the cheese section at my local deli. Coach Gimlet suck at Birkenstock State and he’ll suck at The Kennel by the Pond. The Yuckeyes are solid in every respect, except for all the pot leaves on their helmets, and are at home. The Puppies will make a go and should hang for quite awhile, but the other OSU pulls away late in the third. Ohio State 35 – UW 23. Ricky “The Geek” puts the line at Fuskies +10 and reminds you to call for his “Absolute Can’t Miss Mortal Lock” Pick of the Week.
So there you have it. I’m thinking sweep, but we’ll know for sure Saturday night.
Until next time, have a terrific weekend and GO BEAVS!!!
Tony Pulicella can be reached at email@example.com.