As for last week, I pulled in a 5-2 record (71%) and stand at 6-2 overall (75%). U$C surprised most of us, except for those who worship at the Mausoleum, as they clearly showed impressive team speed on defense and a workmanlike performance on offense. The big question, however, is not how good the Toejams are but how bad Auburnt is. As far as the ucks go, it’s a good thing that Coach Shirley of Missy State refused to give up the run and go to a WAC-style “chuck and duck” attack. Otherwise, the “anti-win” excuses flowing out of Dirk Diggler’s mouth would have been epic.
Anywho, I remain ever diligent and submit to you my Smack-10 Predictions for Week #2…
Friday, September 5th, 2003
Da Beavs @ Fresno State – If Beaver fans don’t think this is the biggest game of the year, than they are sorely mistaken. A solid overall win and the stage is set for the rest of the year. Stumble and act a fool, and it becomes a crapshoot. Freshsnot is damn near unbeatable at home since Yukon Cornelius (if you don’t get this, I’m sorry you were raised in a box and your parents should have the book thrown at them for child abuse) took over and we all know about the mental condition of their fans…somebody needs to tell them schizophrenia and alcohol just don’t mix. Yet, with all that they have going for them, it really shouldn’t matter when the final gun sounds. At the time of this post, 7,000 seats remain unsold – a nice bonus. The Beavs are far more talented than Fresneck, especially in the run game. If the Tennessee backs can light up the Steerpups defense, than Mr. Jackson should eat them alive. Derek will have #2 back in the line-up as well as a working with the complete playbook. As long as we maintain our cool and keep the big plays on defense to a minimum, our boys should take care of business. We won’t be putting a 59-19 trip to the woodshed on them like we did last year, but it will be a comfortable win. Beavs 32 – Fresneck 17. “Wahoooooooo!!! (lick, lick, lick, lick)…nothin.”
Saturday, September 6th, 2003
LSU @ Arizona – Reality bites in Speweson as Bubba Gump State comes a callin’. The Shrimpboats are potential National Title contenders and probably BSCS bound. Unfortunately, the Mildcats have nothing to offer except a guaranteed win in Week 2 of The Coach Malcontent Death Watch. If they draw more than 30,000 for this game, I’d be shocked. Look for the “Eye of the Tigers” to overcome their early field confusion, as they don’t paint the 5-yard markers (5, 15, 25, etc.) in Speweson, and roll it up. LSU 48 – UA 10. “Momma says, Stupid is as stupid does.”
Northern Arizona @ ASU – Much as we Beaver fans didn’t really learn much from our “game” with Sacrifice State, the rest of the Pac-10 will learn nothing about the Scum Devils when their scrimmage with Directional Arizona is over. The Slumberhacks should be a pretty good Big Sky team this year, but all they can hope for is to get out alive and in one piece. Momma Boucher says, “The Debils are da Debil!!!” ASU 44 – UNA 13. “I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK…”
Colorado State @ Cal – This should be a good game. Birkenstock State is clearly better than many thought prior to the start of the season and there should be a good crowd at Sssssssssstrawberry Canyon tomorrow to watch what promises to be an offensive display. The Lambs are bumming after losing a heartbreaker to hated rival Colorado and will be looking to get back on track. A tough one to call here, but I think the nod has to go to Coach Spiney Toothpick and his excellent QB Brandy Van Felt. Colorado State 35 – Cal 30. The AD at Cal State Liberal reminds you to “Make love, not war.”
Nevada @ ucks – OK…on paper this looks like an easy victory for the Chiquita Bananas (On a side note, my ophthalmologist says I didn’t suffer any permanent damage from extended exposure to “Lightning” Yellow). While I don’t think they’ll lose, they should have their hands full with the Fudge Pack. Why? Because unlike Missy State, they like to throw the ball! Don’t forget, this is a WAC team we’re talking about. The U of Janet Reno also has their star RB back after a season-ending ACL tear last year. Unfortunately, their defense is worse than the ucks and Barney Fife/Clarence Clemmons should be able to orchestrate more points. Remember the days of “Air Coryell” at the San Diego Chargers? Whoever had the ball last, won the game. The ucks better get used to that. Bananas 42 – Nevada 35. Kevin Bacon reminds the uck somewhat faithful to “Remain calm! All is well!”
San Jose State @ Stanford – For the last two years, San Josie and the Pussycats have been getting their arse handed to them by The Tree. Still, hope springs eternal for the nattily clad Fartans, especially after The Tree lost a “controlled scrimmage” to UC Davis. San Josie also has two games under its belt while this will be the first for Sanford and Sons. Regardless, I just don’t think they are bad enough to lose at home, even though Coach Spuddy couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel. Stanford 24 – San Jose State 21.
BYU @ USC – Like I said before, I was wrong about U$C…they look like a pretty darn good football team and the Boogers of Polygamy U are their next victim. “Just a walk in the park, Kazanski” for Christmas Carol and his speedy D as the Toejams roll at the Mausoleum. USC 33 – BYU 13.
Indiana @ UW – Team Supervisor Gabby and the Fuskies get some manna from Heaven in the form of the Spoogers. And boy, do they need it after getting pimp-slapped by the Yuckeyes. Cody who? Reggie who? Good thing the Cryee Club didn’t dump a ton of upfront money into their Heisman campaigns. Five will get you ten that the Kennel by the Pond isn’t full for the Fusky home opener. This one is a joke. UW 56 – UI 6. Headline in today’s Compost-Unintelligence… “No Huskies Arrested This Week. AD Hedges Demands Investigation.”
UCLA @ Colorado – Hmmmmm…the debut of Coach Karl Dumpell and the new-look Ruins takes place at the home where the Barfaloes roam. There are far too many questions to be answered about these guys at this time. As always, the talent level at FUCLA is high and things just have to be better since they replaced Coach Sponge Bob Large Pants. But the Barfaloes are riding high after FINALLY surviving the CSU Lambs in their opener in Piled High Stadium. That will serve Coach Scary Hairnet and his chargees well as they pick up Win #2. Colorado 28 – UCLA 24.
WSU @ Notre Dame – Wazzugly heads to South Bent to face the Golden Groan on NBC (the Neutered Dame Broadcasting Network). No embarrassing outcome here for the Bougars, however. As usual, Neutered Dame is overrated, but their home field advantage is huge…having Touchdown Jesus staring down at me all game would give me a sphincter-factor of 9.8 (and I’m Catholic!) Gotta give the nod to Coach Swillingham over Coach Dope-a, but it will be close. Notre Dame 21 – 17.
That’s it. Big thanks to those of you for your positive feedback, especially the Toejam fan that good-naturedly pointed out how WRONG I was about his boys from South Central.
Until next week, take care and GO BEAVS!!!
Tony Soprano is a longtime Beaver supporter and if you don't like his predictions...well let's not got there. Soprano can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.