Before I continue, I want to send a big shout out to my newest and bestest buddies…Chet & Dave from Baton Rouge. Apparently, they didn’t take too kindly to me referring to LSU as Bubba Gump State, preferring (for some fat-headed, inbred reason) “coon ass” instead. Obviously, the gumbo they’ve been consuming has eaten away not only the linings of their stomachs, but also quite a bit of their gray matter. So in their honor, I will be casting special aspersions on the Plantation Region in which they reside…it was either that or send a couple members of the “family” to drop them in the 107,000-gallon man-eating shark tank at the Blue Fish Grill on Corporate Boulevard. But, I digress.
As I enter this week’s prognostications, I stand at 20-5 overall (80%) after finishing last week with a 5-2 record. I obviously gave Birkenstock State far too much credit and Wazzugly not near enough…something that’s not likely to happen again.
Unfortunately, it’s going to be a really rough week for the teams of the Pac-10 as I expect only 3 wins for the conference (Attention sports writers east of the Mississippi – you may begin your Pac-10 trashing at the sound of the bell).
So without further ado, I once more venture unto the breach with my Week #4 Predictions…
The Toejams of Spoiled Condom have the week off.
Saturday, September 20th
Michigan @ ucks – The delusions of grandeur are running amok in Toilet Seat land. 3-0, a silly 20-something ranking and a $3.5 million locker room can do that to you. The spinmasters at the Boregonian are helping to perpetuate this Freudian acid trip as well. But now it’s taking over the most levelheaded members of uckdom (Yes, Virginia, they do exist). My good friend, Stein the Swede, actually thinks they have a good chance. Please…the only thing the ucks have a good chance of is losing by more than 30. Playtime is over ‘cause Big Blue is gonna pimp-slap UC-Eugene like they owe ‘em money. Michigan 45 – Bananarama 21.
On September 5th, there was a Ducks Unlimited Banquet at Parker Coliseum in Baton Rouge…do we need any other reason to haze and ridicule them?
Idaho @ Washington – Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody even care? If so, I can’t imagine why…Fuskies in a sleep walk as they vandalize Potato U in their second straight paycheck game. UW 38 – Idaho 17.
New Mexico @ Washington State – I hope I’m not the only Beaver fan out there that is feeling bad for our old buddy Rocky Long and his Lobos right now. Coming off a tough home loss to BYU, New Mexico gets to travel into the Palousy and hit head-on with a Wazzugly team that’s smokin’. So sad for the Dogs of the Badlands…Coach Long deserves better than a trip to the woodshed and a 1-3 start to his season. WSU 35 – New Mexico 10.
Chet and Dave are the headliners for Cabaret Night on October 2nd at the Baton Rouge Gallery…I hear they do one helluva can-can!
Arizona @ Purdue – Wow, the Mildcats suck even more than I thought was possible. They made the Chiquita Bananas look all world last week…something even Missy State and U of Janet Reno couldn’t do. Hope they enjoy the weather in West Lafagette and Rust-Ade Stadium because they don’t stand a chance against pass-happy Purdon’t in Week #4 of the Coach Malcontent Death Watch. Purdue 42 - Arizona 10. For fun, check out www.firemackovic.com …it’s a howl!
Arizona State @ Iowa – This one is tough to call. The Scum Devils floundered in their first two games, getting fat while dining on cupcakes that they should have destroyed. Perhaps they were looking past them to this week’s game with the Sockeyes, but I’m not convinced. Meanwhile, Cryowa did exactly what they were supposed to do and slapped around their first three opponents like they were rented mules. The Scum Suckers will raise their level of play, but not enough to win on the road. Iowa 28 – ASU 21.
Chet wants you to know that if you get in any trouble with the law while visiting Baton Rouge, his Uncle-brother Sheriff Soush can get you out of the jam. Just make a sizable contribution to the Department’s “widows and orphans” fund and receive your “get out of jail free” card. I guaranteeeee.
California @ Illinois – Cal State Liberal has been lively and competitive, but their youth has kept them from putting more marks in the “W” column. Unfortunately for Coach Deadford, another loss awaits in Asti Spumanti. Swillinois’ defense held FUCLA to two field goals, which is an amazing feat. Look for trickerations from the Inspector Gadget of NorCal to try to loosen up the home team’s D, but it won’t have much effect. Illinois 31 – Cal 21.
Stanford @ BYU – This game bores me to tears. Bring ‘em Young has the clear advantage having played three games to The Tree’s one against perennial flowerhouse San Josie and the Pussycats. The packed house in Provolone will see Polygamy U win going away. BYU 42 – Stanford 24.
Meanwhile back at Bayou Labatrey, Dave went missing for several days after a run-in with a voodoo lady named Phyllis. Apparently, his weekly taro card reading went horribly wrong.
UCLA @ Oklahoma – The Ruins, with an anemic game against Swillinois that produced a whopping 2 field goals worth of offense in their rearview mirror, depart Westworld for OkeyDokey and the #1 Spooners. A classic horror movie is waiting for FUCLA, who will insist that someone left “Bates” off all the city signs when this slasher is over. In fact, what Norman did in the hotel shower will seem like a group hug. The Ruins defense, however, is pretty decent and will help to keep the score relatively close, which won’t really tell the tale. Oklahoma 31 – UCLA 17.
And last, but never least…
Boise State @ Da Beavs – A slow start this week could mean big trouble against the Bluebells from Papa Smurphy Stadium. Make no mistake…this is a darn good football team we’re hosting. The Beaver secondary better be near flawless, otherwise Spud State QB Cryin Dimwitty will pick ‘em apart. They also run a balanced offense thanks to shifty and tough RB Davey McMuffin. Even still, they have had to replace a bunch of starters and didn’t look especially great in the Kibble Dome last week. I gotta believe Mr. Seigler and Company will keep them in check and our offense will finally start running on all cylinders…even if Steven isn’t 100%. This one doesn’t get decided until the 4th Quarter, when our home field advantage ultimately pushes us over the top. Beavers 28 – Boise State 24.
Well, that’s it for this week.
And as we say goodbye to Chet and Dave, remember this boys…“This is Louisiana, Chief. How do you know who your daddy is? Cause your momma told you so.”
GO BEAVS!!! SMACK THE SMURFS!!!
Tony Saprano can be read every Thursday or Friday before the Pac-10 games begin for the weekend. Soprano can be reached at email@example.com.