"Oh? Well, what can I bring you then, sir?"
"I'll have the large order of rotisserie crow, cooked over mesquite tree bark, served on a bed of granola and bean sprouts with a side of duck sauce."
"Of course but that is a strange order, especially for you Mr. Soprano. Are you sure?"
"Vinny I've never been more sure of anything in my life"
Thanks to me buying the Pig-11 hype, I dropped below 80% on the year (26-8) after a 6-3 record for Week #4. Normally, it's not my style to make a big deal about missing three picks, but I clearly underrated our Pac-10 teams and their chances. So, here's to you, Stanford, Cal and Oregon for coming up with big wins for yourselves and the Conference. That doesn't mean you're off the smack hook for this week it's just a small mea culpa for thinking you were going to get spanked.
Nevertheless, I remain undaunted in my pursuit of excellence (and humor) and proudly present my Week #5 Predictions for your reading pleasure.
Saturday, September 27th
USC @ Cal - The Libs return to Ssssssssssssstrawberry Canyon and play host to the well-rested Toejams. Give credit to young Birkenstock State. They've played gritty for Coach Deadford and, with a couple of breaks, could easily be 4-1 instead of 2-3. Spoiled Condom's early season win over Auburnt isn't looking so huge since they've been proven pretenders rather than contenders. Still, the boys from the Mausoleum are far more talented and should win this game handily. Cal State Liberal will hang in for a while, but it's happy dance time for Coach Christmas Carol. USC 38 - Cal 21.
WSU @ UO - In case you haven't heard, the Road to the Sugar Bowl now goes through Spewegene. Don't believe me? Just ask the Toilet Seat loonies after their unexpected win over a flummoxed Mushygone team. Landing a cover spread on SI, and being declared "elite" by the same, is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Bottom line, they've gone crazier than an outhouse rat. While I understand and appreciate their euphoria, I think that Wazzugly will have something to say about things. Coach Dopa has shown he's far better at the helm than Pimp Daddy Price ever was and he'll have the Bougs ready to play. QB Kegel Exercise is smart and will stretch the gaping uck secondary. Stein the Swede proclaims "Ducks are gonna roll 38-17!" but I'm not so sure. I'll call for a Bananarama win, but in a shootout. If it gets too hairy for the secondary, look for the Wehrmacht uck marching band to lay down some serious suppressing fire with their Lugers and towed 88's. UO 35 - WSU 31.
Stanford @ UW - The Tree stands at 2-0 as they yank up roots and head to The Kennel by The Pond. Unfortunately for them, the Fuskies will be hiking up a hind led on their trunk all day long. Are the pups worth a #18 ranking? Hell no! Are they better than The Tree? Hell yes, especially in their doggy run. QB Grody Pick-it-and-flick-it should be able to chew on Tree DB's at will. No blow out, but a comfortable win for Coach Gabby Hayes. UW 28 - Stanford 17.
TCU @ UA - With a #17 ranking and a 3-0 record, the Horny Toads make a short trip to Tuckandrun for a showdown with the pathetic Mildcats. I feel for these guys I really do. It wasn't too long ago that our beloved Beavs were the laughing stock of the Pac-10 and the country. Thankfully, UA has assumed the mantle due to a lousy coach and a bull mule for an AD. Sucks to be you!!!!!! As long as Malcontent is at the reigns, this team will be heading nowhere fast. All the motivational speeches in the world by Tony Robbins won't help these guys, but an exorcism from the Pope might. Horny Toads in a walk. TCU 41 - UA 20.
San Diego State @ UCLA - Well, now there appears a bit of unrest in Westworld. FUCLA stands at a whopping 1-2 after getting slaughtered by Okie Dokie. It's always fun to give up NCAA records on special teams, isn't it Ruin fans? And now, here comes a pretty good Spaztec team, sporting a 3-1 record, new black uniforms and freshman RB sensation Lynell "George" Hamilton. Hey, uck fans you remember him don't you? He was the kid you paired up with Bongterio on his official visit. The Chiquita's loss is Don Diego's gain as Hammy's racked up over 500 yards rushing this season. Does all this give the Spaztecs a win? No. But they will make it tough. The Ruin offense is inept, but their defense is good enough to propel them to a much-needed "W". UCLA 24 - SDSU 14.
And, saving the best for last
ASU @ Da Beavs - Tough, close wins seem to be the modus operandi for the Beavs over the last two weeks. But wins they have been. You can stuff the controversy of the "fumble" it was only one of several hundred horrible calls made by the Larry, Mo, Curly and Shep of Pac-10 officials. And don't forget, Donkeys, that your kicker blew a 31-yarder to give you the lead in the fourth. Don't worry; you'll have another crack at us next year in Papa Smurphy Stadium. Seriously, though, good luck to Boise State for the rest of the year. You have a terrific team, a scary-good QB and classy fans. Freshsnot could take some lessons from you! Slap 'em around for us on November 21st, please especially since we've already blown our chance.
This week the Scum Devils come limping to Cornvalley after QB Andpew Falter and crew posted a fat doughnut on offense ("Pop! Goes the Heisman "). Some are blaming their sputtering offense on the loss of deep threat WR Gordon Lightfoot. Maybe that's true. But their running back-by-committee strategy has stalled and no other receivers have stepped up to help. Let's hope that our safeties and corners play tough, or the Scum Devils fortunes may turn around in a hurry. Falter has been stinky so far, but he's a great QB and could easily explode for a huge game. Coach Sod Cutter will have them ready to play, but will be singing "The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald" in the locker room after they lose a close one. The Beaver d-line ("Sun Devil, you better take care ") will be the difference maker and SJ's buck fifty will push us over. Beavs 35 - ASU 28.
"How was your meal, Mr. Soprano?"
"The bird was a bit overcooked, but not as bad as I thought."
"Will we see you next week, sir?"
"Yeah, Vinny. But save me a couple of veal cutlets. I think I'll be back to my usual self."
Tony Soprano can be read every Friday on BeaverFootball.com. Tony Soprano can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org.