What a glorious day it was. Unbelievable weather, the funeral procession of Chiquita unfaithful rolling up I-5, tailgaters everywhere with open invitations to any and all Coug fans, a packed house and enough electricity in the air to light up Broadway. ASU didn’t stand a chance.
I finished the weekend with a 5-2 record and stand at 31-10 overall, holding at 76% for the season. I’m going to have to pull a sweep here soon in order to get back up over my typical 80%, but there’s a ton of football left to get the job done. In fact, if I’d picked with my heart instead of my head I would have had the sweep last week. Oh well…
As we all know, the results of this week’s games will be a huge factor in the Pac-10 race…a pretty incredible fact so early in the season. Every single game matters and in this Johnny Carson “weird, wild, wacky” Pac-10 Conference, anything is possible.
With that in mind, I present to you my Week 6 Predictions for your consideration and enjoyment…
Friday, October 3rd
Oregon @ Utah – Was last week’s debacle an X-Files episode or a precursor to the rest of their season? We’ll find out soon enough when Banana Republic heads to Rice Crispy Stadium. The Celtic dirge coming out of Spewgene this week was deafening as the aftershock of the thrashing took hold. Triage units were set up all over the state, including emergency shipments of plaster and bandages, to treat the broken bones and other wounds of the unfaithful jumping off the bandwagon. The Sugar Bowl might as well be on Mars for this “elite” team as they are forced to reassess everything. The Utes are no slouch at 3-1 and are playing very well under Coach Urban Renewal. They play a wide open, shotgun style offense and it should give the Chiquita smurf defensive backs fits. The Ute weakness is defense…pretty good for the Mountain West, but not up to Pac-10 standards and it will be their undoing. Look for the ucks to make a “comeback” this week, but not dominate like they have the rest of their OOC schedule. Oregon 28 – Utah 21. In breaking news, due to the thin air in Salt Lake, NIKE will use Cal State Eugene to test their new “Dune” on-field breathing system. Even though Utah is a NIKE program, a lawsuit is not anticipated, as the players have no desire to “look like rejects from an intensive care unit.”
Saturday, October 4th
Due to their odd schedule, The Tree has another bye week and will spend it with a team of top arborists repairing bark and root damage received in Seattle.
Arizona @ Washington State – Like the Jews of the Old Testament, the Mildcats have been delivered from Pharaoh Malcontent with AD Livinbad playing the role of Moses… “Let my people go”… But, while they won’t have to spend 40 years wandering the desert, they will have at least 60 days of wandering around Tucson. On the opposite side of the ball, Wazzugly returned home to the Palousy without touching the ground after destroying the overrated Toilet Seats. Will the combination of an emotional letdown by the Bougs, combined with a paroled and euphorically free Mildcat squad provide us with our next seismic upset? Not a chance. Wazzugly is for real and the Palousy will be ROCKING. The kitties will start strong but won’t be able to keep up as the game wears on. WSU 31 – UA 17.
USC @ ASU – Shell-shocked U$C staggers out of the Mausoleum
after getting sucker-punched by Birkenstock State and spending a week being
treated for Post Traumatic Loss Disorder. At least they get to play a bemused
and befuddled Scum Devil squad this week. What a rough two weeks for Awful State…first
a drubbing at Iowa followed by a streak-breaking trip to the woodshed by our
Beavs. Coach Sodcutter and QB Walter Mitty (a classic pretender) had better
find some answers or they’ll be done in the Pac-10 race. The same goes
for Spoiled Condom. 1-1 and you live to fight another day, 0-2 and you start
looking at airfare prices to Las Vegas or the Silicon Valley. It’s incredible
this game is for survival rather than the title’s driver seat. USC
24 – ASU 13 as the Toejam defense rebounds from their Ssssssssssstrawberry
Canyon let down.
On a side note, big thanks to TV of Troy for showing the Soprano Family some respect in his weekly column. Love your work, TV…keep practicing and, someday, you might “get your button”. Know what I’m sayin’?
Washington @ UCLA – The Fuskies, having spent the last
few weeks feasting on turkeys, head to Westworld for a clash with FUCLA. The
Ruins are proving to be a woefully inept group of clusterbums. They managed
to merely survive their OOC schedule and now get an awakening Fusky team for
their Pac-10 opener. It’s clear that the Ruins have not taken to the new
coaching system and I don’t expect any of them to throw on the switch
this week either. Fusky QB Pick-it-and-flick-it is in a bit of a groove and
their lousy running game is showing some signs of life as well. Look for a low-scoring
affair, but the Pups will take this one from FUCLA. UW 21 – UCLA
And, for the coup de grace…
Da Beavs @ Cal – The best game in the Pac-10 this week is not on television and it’s a shame. Cal State Liberal is loving life after stuffing the Toejams and rightly so. Coach Deadford is a fantastic coach and, like I said last week, are only a handful of plays from a 5-1 record. Think they’ll have an Oregon-sized letdown this week? Not a chance. The Beavs better come to play otherwise it’s a long flight home to Cornvalley. Our defensive line needs to be sharp or The Running Back Formerly Known as Joe will rip them a new one and allow their efficient passing game to gain some traction. But more than anything, we need to play mistake-free ball on offense. From what we’ve seen so far this season, that could prove to be a tall order. Big Steve should have a huge game and may crack the 200-yard mark. The Libs defensive ends and linebackers are good, but a tick slower than the Scum Devils so the off-tackle stuff Riley likes to run will be far more effective. Also look for the return of the play action pass and toss sweep for the same reasons. Bottom line…the Beavers have not been a good road team over the last several years. If they want to show they are making strides, it has to start this weekend. A no-pick, workmanlike performance by Derek (lots of short and safe stuff), a double-scoop of Jackson and Wright and the continuing improvement of our secondary spells another Beaver win. Beavs 28 – Cal 20.
So, as I wrap up this week, I have one request of those who wish to opine…please try to be sober when you do. Hence, the “Drunk and Stupid” Award this week goes to Toilet Seat loony Brian F. who sent me the most incoherent piece of prose since Ozzy Osbourne’s son, Jack, wrote his last term paper. Here’s a tip…if I need a scholar of dead languages to interpret your email, IT WON’T GET ANSWERED!
See you next time and GO BEAVS!!!
Tony Soprano can be read every Friday on BeaverFootball.com. Tony Soprano can be contacted at email@example.com.